Thursday, December 31, 2009

One more before the year is over!

2009 has been a good year, wouldn't say that it was the greatest, but, a damn good year! Just like any other year the year was filled with disappointments, struggles, and heart ache. Shit the way I look at it at least I only had one trip to the ER this year. Come to think of it, 07,08, and 09 I had trips to the hospital! Can't wait to see what kind of trouble I get into this new year! This year is gonna be different, I can see it already, New business opening up, say goodbye to school. Pussy level will probably stay the same, but, hell what's new. Friends are married, some are getting married while others are just stuck on stupid pussy. Ah "i remember when I had my first beer" Lets break down ought nine! Love, anger and drunkenness in the time of H1N1.

I fell in love about 340 times this year plus an almost 15, meaning it could have been 355 days total!I'd say I averaged about 20 a weekend. Don't get it conflicted i didn't say I slept with 340 women and averaged 20. I don't know their names, they don't know mine,we never talked, but, got damn they looked good from across the bar as I slowly drank ice cold beer, some on a pole, showing me everything but there anal cavity and the others bringing beer then my check. Maybe a few around the jogging trail, a couple of distant stares at the stoplight and some waiting at the red box in an uncomfortable silence as we stood side by side waiting for the prick in front of us to choose to pick a fucking movie, but, whose counting. This year will be different, I may just decide to tell them how great it would be to cuddle, share awkward moments, and eat fruit while naked in the hall way floor! The other 15 days lets just say, there are some crazy ass women out there! Those 15 days made me think asking for a table for one is not the most embarrassing or lonely thing to do in a crowded restaurant.

This year was filled with "when am you getting married", "when am I going to settle down" and the one I like the most the two part question "your not married? Do you have a girlfriend? . To my critics out there, shut the fuck up! Please. And the ones worried that I might take fruit with my tossed salad, I got something for you too! ahh, which leads me to the next subject; anger. That was a constant thing this year. Lets put that number at 364 days this year! Angry that Obama was elected president, Palin didn't have a sex tape. Angry that McCain probably couldn't jack himself off with his fucked up arms, which left his mind cloudy. That the town I chose to live in is... well, great fucking people...don't want to offend any of my future customers, but you know who you are and just so happens that they drive on the highways too. Sopranos left me thinking "this fucking show sucked". The amount of young kids meeting there maker by the hands of their fucked up parents. In turn the parents that aren't fucked up have fucked up kids doing fucked up things. The war in the beach. Why cant we just conquer and kill all that oppose us in the middle east, one might say, "don't you think we are doing that?. Good point, but, one word comes to mind and can you say INDIANS. It work well when we did it to the native American Indians! And the ones that are left after we play cowboys and Indians, give em some land so that they can become drunkards and addicts, the smart ones, we will let them build casinos and those tribes we feel absolutely horrible about we did to eradicate them off the face of the earth, give the living a couple of bucks and make films about the injustice we brought down upon them for the sake of democracy, and give them a few pages in our history books, which we will print with words that are misspelled to explain everything except the truth to our fucked up kids.

I'm angry that beer commercials aren't what they use to be. I'm angry that the one beer commercial I absolutely loved, was not Mexican! You know what I'm talking about the fucking most interesting man on the world for dos equis! That's right that guy is from England or somewhere where the speak English with an "English" accent, point is, he isn't Mexican. I'm angry that roses don't last all year long in a vase filled with water and aspirin, Martha Stewart is full of shit! I'm angry that I can't shave my face without thinking about how much fucking money I spent on 4 cartridges, then complain, and for that one dumb ass to tell me "why don't you buy an electric razor?" good point asshole. Let me guess you have one right? I can go on to explain that I like a close shave and I can't get one with an electric razor, then, he will go on to explain that the Remington kklfdakjgs 500 wet series or what ever the fuck he has is bad ass and if his response is yes to my original question, then, you must not shave your goddamn balls!! I don't like telling strange men that or that I like mine smooth to the touch and so do women. None of his fucking business, but, I will share it with people on the blog right? you get the point, anyway, what really makes me angry is the fucking clothes designers. They put XXL on t-shirts that are made like a goddamn large. I bought t-shirts from old navy 6 months ago, I go back and the fuckin shirts are twice as small. I get on the scale yup it tells me the same thing it did 6 months ago and I weigh 10 pounds less! Look, I know Americans are getting bigger, I see how get fit America is advocating good health and wight loss. But give me a fucking break. Changing the cloths size is not gonna make me feel bad about myself, it is going to make me fell angry towards fashion designers.

As you can tell 2009 had allot of anger which is the reason why 2009 had allot of booze involved. Cant wait till 2010! In 2010 I'm sure it will be the same as all the other years, but with the knowledge and wisdom learned form the past years will make it easier to deal with each struggle a new year brings! Did I just right that, shit, what the hell was I thinking!

Friday, December 25, 2009

He doesnt Exist?

everyone is doing what they are suppose to be doing today. Some working, others shoping and many wrapping presents. I know that some kid is waiting for The Great Santa Clause to land on a roof top with his great golden slay, dressed in his soft velvet red suit lined with shiney white cotton lapels and gray beard. Hoping that they have been nice enough to recieve that present they asked for, some of the catholic children are gonna say a prayer at mass tonight to ensure its delevery, while the jewish kids are waiting for that last big present in a long drawn out ordeal, the black kid from africa is hoping the tempatures dont fall below 90 degrees since he has no winter clothing. The asian kids are just to discipline to give a shit. And the russian kids really know that there isn't a santa claus.

Every year I sit in joy as my little nieces and nephews attack the presents, all anitcipating it being that one special present. Upon tearing the final piece of gift wrap from the box, and quickly figuring out that its not it, they hold it for a photo with a shit eatin grin and toss it asside for the next one. They will repeat it a few more times and once all the presents are opened I will immediatetly hear there parents reassure those depressed faces that The great Santa claus left presents under their christmas tree last night. At that point the kids start whining to go back to the their house.

Ah, "The Great Santa Claus" if I was 5 years old again and believed in him like I once did, this is what I would have said to his fat ass! Better yet this is what I have to say about him now, knowing what I know now.

What really pisses me off about you oh "Great Santa Claus" deliverer of happiness and joy! You have not written or answered any of my letters for over 25 years!! No letter explaining why I didnt get shit cause I had been naughty or nice. I spent one whole winter thinking about that trip to the prinicpals office for having a boner in class. And regretting and dwelling that it was that specific situation that led me play with play doe and not HE-MAN castle of grace skull that was suppose to be under the tree christmas eve. little did I know, I couldnt have controlled that damn thing even if i wanted to, but, the teacher, and classmates, made such a big deal about it, I suffered mentally and physically. Knowing what I know now, I should have whipped it out and played with the damn thing, I would have had joy in my life at least at that moment.

No "great santa Claus" I suppose that it's not your fault, I should have wrote mother nature about the situation instead of blaming you. But that was just one in many situations... bottom line, I'm grown now and I realize that I had been dooped and conned all those years by you and I see my little nieces going through the same thing!I found out that all the presents that I did get from you, where actually bought and wrapped by my parents! Cmon man, what kind of shit is that. If there was a santa claus which i know there isnt one. But i would love to meet the guy that promotes deceptions lies, and cons. This drunkard has every little kid thinking that he is awesome. Millions of kids across the globe place this red neck which stands for love and joy above their parents!

I feel bad for ever trusting that fat ass, and never thanking my parents for all those gifts I thought that son of a bitch bought me. Imagine the pain my parents went thru seeing my eyes light up when opening presents, knowing they would never get credit for it, which leads me to think what does the "great Santa Claus" have over them? Did he really catch momma kissing a sant claus impostor, You have heard the songs! There has to be a reason for them right, where there is smoke there is fire! He was like "I'm gonna tell your husband if you dont put my name on little johnny's present saying that it was from me. Can you say "BLACK MAIL"

Just think, when we have been at that age where we all found out that "the great santa claus" doesn't exist! We were so damn confused and hurt! How could this be? Mom and dad said they saw him, they told me about the guy in the first place?! The shame of going to school knowing the truth and try telling your buddies that, then you get bombarded and called stupid cause they believe in him and tell us that our parents are lying, there is a santa claus...more confusion. Then we grow up and we began to tell little kids that santa does exists! What the fuck? I'm the first one to say that he does exists and as a matter of fact I saw him once on a christmas eve many years ago! And then see the little kids face light up when they turn to their knuckle head cousins and say "see, i told you there is a santa claus" I just couldnt do it, not because I didnt want them to know the truth or hurt them, shit If i had to go through it then guess what, your little ass has to figure it out the hard way too.

In the end I do have to say christmas will be great and I will go along with this lie, and tell every kid that believes in him that there is one. Cause it just wouldnt be christmas with out good ole saint nick! And the reason we older folks keep santa alive is because if those little knuckle head kids found out the grown ups buy all the gifts we wouldn't be able to say shit like, "Santa must have not gotten your letter" or "it was because you were naughty" when they didnt get that speacial gift. When the real reason is are asses are broke, they are too young for it, or you're just gonna throw it in a closet and never play with it after a month!

Then we turn around and use the idea of santa claus as a disiplinary tatic. "if your not good santa aint goona get you that new four wheeler!"
I have seen kids running, yelling, and causing prue hell in a house, and once santa's name is uttered, those little bastards will freeze in their tracks and think about their next move. The really guilty ones might shed a fucking tear. Sometimes I wonder who is playing the games, us or the kids. I have seen some say "so, I dont like him anyway!" Watch out cause that little bad ass kid is the ring leader, and in the future will spread that dirty little rumor that "the Great Santa Claus" doesnt exist!

Happy Holidays to everyone and may your day be filled with joy and happiness.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Ass

I think of Robert Frost's poem "The road less Traveled" from time to time. I dont have it memorized, cause I just dont. But, I know what it says and the interpetaion that different people have to say about it. I just dont have one. Some times you just choose a fuckin road and dont even think about, that's the way I look at it. "Hey jake why did you choose this road?" "Just felt like it, or dont know bro, I wasnt relly thinking about it at the time!" And of course some asshole can come along and can explain and even interpet what the hell I was thinking. Like there are fucking "cleo,(jamacian accent) call me now fer yer free readin"

interpet this one!

I go to bed thinking of the day that just passed,
My actions, reactions, that have caused those to blush
from the words and thoughts that escape my ignorant mind
and lead them to guilt they thought one could never find.
and when I awake, those thoughts haunt me till another days end,

Yet in my dreams is where I find that peace, that fantasy silence, justifactions of my actions that I know are lucid,
whether waking in sweats or exsaperated breath
I know today might be another day filled with regret.
I may repeat my actions one more time
and say that the wishkey was just to high grain
Tell you I'm sorry and swear my words were not intended for a
selfish gain.

A bowl of menudo, 2 cups of coffee,
the warmth of a blanket made by your mother
will make you believe that guy, that man, could never be me.
Im off to dream land to be set free.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Things change

Im back home, that's right in houston, baby, houston. Unfortunately it's not for good, but, that will change someday. The ride into town was one of the best drives ever. I left san antone about 6:30 in the pm and arrived in houston shortly after ten. I missed every kind of traffic, and some deer on the way in. But, it wasnt those reasons that made the trip pleasnt. There was a silent piece about it all. The radio was on, but, not loud enough to where it drowned out the sound of the tires along the black top roads or the wind finding its way into the cab of the truck. It was if it was the first time I had ever taken a road trip for the first time alone. No one yelling to turn up the radio or to change the track, no one complaining about the drama going on in their personal life or the dreaded "I have to pee". There was no one to interupt the comfortable silence or feel that they had to talk about something to make the trip seem shorter than what it was. It was the forgotten excitment of being on the road alone.

For some reason I thought it was strange. Little did I know how strange it would be. I had a real conversation with my mother for the first time in a long time. It wasn't a conversation that began with questions from her digging into my personal life, leaving me feeling like I was being interogated or have to explain my life. We sat in the living room while she sewed a quilt for a grandchild and she shared stories about the funny things that has happened to her and my father at old age. My dad was recently fitted with a pair of dentures and he bought this denture glue that apparently worked to well, he couldn't take them off and he needed help, so they stayed up laughing all night, with my father making a comment that he use to come home drunk and he needed help talking off his boots now he needed help taking off his goddamn teeth! My mother and I began laughing till we ran out of breath and tears rolled down the sides of our face. As she relived the experince and as I pictured the image in my head.

After a few more stoies, I began to ask her certain things about myself that only a mother could explain. Questions that people ask me in regards to my likes and dislikes. Red meat, for example. I like it, enjoy it, yet its not the first thing I think about when figuring out the menu for my trip to the grocery store. People that I meet for the first time, or those I engage a conversation with will assume I eat allot of red meat, yet, I will prefer chicken everytime.

So I asked my mother was there a reason why I dont eat red meat? Have I always prefered chicken over beef? Growing up there was always red meat for dinner, whether it was a dish with ground beef, pot roast, steak, the list goes on, my father is a big red meat eater, so that was usually on the dinner menu. As she gently pushed the neddle with bright red thread through the material her eyes opened wide, her brow raised and at that moment I knew she could explain why I dont eat read meat as much. She went on to explain to me, that one night I was eating a steak and I choked on a piece, I turned blue and almost passed out, she ran for the phone to call 911 and when she came back, I had somehow stuffed my whole hand in my mouth to free the lodged piece of meat from the back of my throat. I do not remeber any of those seconds of my life. Although it did explain why I get nervous everytime I eat red meat with the fat attached to it.

I then asked her what my favorite subject was in school. I have always been a math type of person, numbers fascinate me, they always have. But, for some reason, I enjoy writing and telling stories. It's a hobby of mine, a blog is part of it, but, I have been keeping journals for over 15 years. I learned today, something I had no idea of. Apparently, I was good at it. She showed me elementry school and jr high news letters, where the english teachers printed allot of things I wrote for creative writing classes. Hell, in one of those pieces, is a picture of my mother, with a story about her father picking cotton and supporting a family in the early 30's and 40's. As soon as I saw that I knew what I must have been thinking when I wrote it, black people weren't the only ones doing that shit!! And yes it was written and published during black history month.

I also asked what kind of women was I into cause she met a few and she just replied, "apparently not the good ones cause you would have been married with kids by now!" Good ole mom, always ready to cut me when she gets a chance. I learned allot about myself tonight, I asked if I was always a hot tempered person, which she explained that no one would no there was something wrong until I exploded. Then it all came out, I could have been having a bad day and she could have served corn and I would have thrown a fit. It was great to hear certain things and stories that would explain allot of my reactions to things in life, because grwoing up we forget those innocent situations that shows our character, as adults we tend to hide those traits in situations where it is not socially exceptable. My mom said that as a kid I always liked big boobs and when I was around women do anything to hug those women and put my head on them, my mother and I looked at each other, I grined and she said "aye Jacob go to bed" That would explain it, and I was thinking it was an aquired fascination!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Who Won!?

Tonight I was watching Monday night football and a good friend called me in the middle of the fourth quarter and wanted to talk. All you know I'm a football fan, but I'm not the guy that stays glued to the tube to see what my fantasy player will do. Then again I'm not married or have a girl. When and If I do catch an unlucky one, then I'll be the guy that says "baby Im watching the game can't this wait till later!!" No, I'm the guy that watches cause it allows me to drink beer on a Monday night and it is socially acceptable. Plus I have to have something to talk about when the women are inside and I'm left outside with married or tied down men. I cant tell them all them all the fun it is to be single, they will look like I'm bragging. Instead I hear "dude don't ever get married" but, I also hear that one guy that says "dude marriage is a beautiful and loving experience" by the look of the other men that have been married for over 6 years and knowing what I know. One, she wears the pants. Two, she doesn't know how much control she has, which by the way she is learning from all the other married wives inside while we talk about football, and three, they are newly weds!!! Or four, which is the rare occasion that the man is smart enough not to say a word for or against marriage and just wants to enjoy other men, cold beer, and the fact his wife is not glued to his side!!!

Plus I'm a Baseball man call me during a baseball game and you will get " babe, I'm watching the game what's wrong" in a concerned voice Cause I also know baseball game last four fucking hours I can talk for two and wont miss a thing! Anyway, we have allot of catching up to do and I have to tell her all my crazy ass stories plus give her tips on dating men. That's right fella's, I give away all the man tips to this woman and to tell you the truth she learns allot! She is my greatest student ever. Got side tracked oh I know.

I was on the phone and everyone that has been to my house knows that damn sliding door that leads to the back yard is fucked up. People cant open it to get out and people cant open it to get back in the house. I have woken up in the morning to bodies lying all over the place like a Roman orgy had just been completed at my house and find that the sliding door is off the hinges, and carefully placed next to the wall. causing the weather and bugs to enter the house. Tonight I tried to slide the door open to smoke a cig and the door fell and shattered!! I am happy to say that I was sober when it happened, meaning I only had ten beers, which all of you know is pretty fucking sober. Many of drunk people, both women and men have knocked that glass sliding door off the hinges and it never broke! Well friends and strange one nighters that have been to my home it finally happened.

But not to fear, I was on that door with cardboard and duck tape like a wetback nigger rigging the family car, tub, toilet, roof, windshield, condom...Ok not condom but I have heard some stories!!! And at the end of the job I was so proud of the master carpentry that I didn't feel bad about the damage I caused! I knew at that point I was a real mexican. I cut cardboard boxes and fit it to that sliding door like a glass cutter at Home depot with out the proper tools!

Since I was on the subject on married couples or tied down folks. I have to share with you the shit that I witnessed today at the CVS. I went in there cause, in case you people don't know, CVS sales beer and they always have beer on sale, and since it was Monday night I had a craving for Modelo's with beer salt and lime. Anyway, I pick up a 12, yes people a twelve, to me a twelve pack is like a normal guys 6 pack, enough to catch a buzz and relax but not enough to get fucked up! I'm not an alcoholic, and if at this point you laugh thinking "shit twelve beers is allot", if you know the chemistry behind a mans weight and alcohol consumption, I weigh more than the average male, thus, increasing my tolerance. If you add in the years of drinking, my tolerance is exceptionally high. I know it's not good, my bar tabs are fucking expense it a curse a really!

Any way Im in the longest CVS line ever, apparently the pharmacy check out counter is closed. There was a very pretty young lady standing in front of me. WIth my first glance she had great tits, nice ass, and she seemed troubled. She didn't seem like she had anything to pay for, no chips, hair products, makeup, which lead me to believe she is paying for medication.

The guy at the check out counter was new and frustrating everybody. Well the guy in front of her decided to flirt with the girl. Before I go on he looked like he read men's health magazine and read every article from how to dress, cut hair, and work out, he also read Cozmo magazines to learn what women are about, yes you got it, dumbass what to be player.

"Damn this guy must be new" he says as he turns toward her. She just has this fuck I want to get out of hear cause I have to take a shit look, the same look I had cause the beer was getting hot and the game is about to start!

She ignores him, he looks at me and in that instant thinks that i think he struck out, and he cant handle that.

"so what are you doing after this guy figuers out what he is doing?" again she says nothing. At this point I'm like dude, she dont want to talk leave it alone. But this guy cant take it the hint.

"i'm gonna make it a movie night at my house I live around the corner, why don't you come by, I just moved here and would like some company" Damn he pulled I just move here. I did it to when I first moved here, I couldn't hate on him for that, but I was at a bar drinking and so where they!
She looks at him and says with an annoyed voice, " my boyfriend is outside waiting for me!" His eyes dart to me and I give him your an idiot grin, he couldn't take it.

So he reply's " well, I don't mind, you can swing by after your done" And I swear in all that is holy she don't say shit to him, but, she unfolds her arms and shows him what she has. A pregnancy test!!!! I fucking laughed out loud, that dumbass turned around and just hung his head, what a fucking dumbass. Now for those that think well at least he ass, she was throwing him signs that said leave me leave me the fuck alone, shit a pitcher gets more signs from his catcher in an extra inning baseball game! I didnt stop the occasional giggle till that dumbass finally checked out and walked out the doors!!!!

A fucking pregnancy test...lmfao. What doesn't say more than leave me the fuck alone than a pregnancy test!! If that guy had balls, he would have said great that means I dont have to go to aisle 9 and pick up some condoms! Today was what the fuck are these dumbasses thinking!!

Monday, November 23, 2009

That Bar!

My roommate and I drove into Htown today. It takes me 3 and a half hours to drive into htown from San Antone, and 4 hours to drive back from Houston. The time is longer to get back to the bachelor pad cause I get so wasted that in my drive back I feel that if I get pulled over the cops will make me take a breath a lizer test and based on the amount of booze I intake, I will still register a 1.8 after 2 days of sobering up. My roommate made the time in 2 hours and 30 minutes, I thought I died twice and saw my life flash before me several times, once with a truck with deer hoofs sticking out the bed of his truck, a 4 door kia sportage, and twice with an eighteen wheeler!

I relax with my parents, my mom tells me stories about my nieces and nephews, while my dad busts my balls about anything and everything including the cowboys win. After about 8 hours it is time to hit a bar. We decide a pub that all of us hadn't been to in over 6 years. The last time us 3 were in there, one was throwing up,and the other 2 were talking about there receding hair line. We were boys then, but tonight we gathered around a pitcher of cheap beer, just like we always did and suddenly I realized that those boys just trying to figure out life together are now men trying to make sense of it all.

The conversations tonight were about bachelor parties and how kids get the best of you. Marriage and bills and bills and marriage. It was no longer "dude what time do you have to be at work tomorrow', now it was "I took vacation time, I'm off tomorrow" and "when is this bachelor party so I can take some more vacation time." Instead of chipping in cash to pay for a tab it was how much is it without a worry and can I get a receipt. Instead of the bar cutting us off, it was "man I got to get home."

In those moments where I saw a difference and should have been sad that youth was gone, my heart filled with pride with the men we have become. okay, okay. Lost myself there for a second. I was proud to see my boys become men, and proud that I didn't bust there balls with "pussy, there was a time when you didn't give a shit" and try to make them stay out later with "dude I have beer at my house, or whose house are we going to now!" Today there was a sense of understanding and shit me too, i have to get to my parents house, I don't want them to worry or wake them at 5 in the morning because I am a guest in there home now, here for a visit and a nice home cooked meal.

It was nice to see and will remember it always, but tomorrow is a different story. We came home because we plan to really party tomorrow, we will talk about the hair that is gone and the young ass we can no longer get, then talk about how good the ass was when we were that age, only to justify it by saying "I wouldn't want a young girl like that anymore I have to teach her" one will throw up, the other complain about the bills and marriage while the other contemplates his decision of getting married! I WILL sit back and enjoy the men we are today, but, laugh at the men we will be tomorrow! Boys we once where and boys we will always be, laughing joking and talking shit, thinking of ways to express our thoughts in a mature manner!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Sex Addiction

No not me, I may suffer from a lack of, but, my thoughts have never been overwhelmed with pride that I may suffer from this rare diseases. The reason I bring up this subject is because I recently saw a show on T.V. that filled me with envy which was sadly expressed with laughter. It is a group of people ranging from celebrities to the average joe. They are checked into a clinic and given treatment. It is basically a betty ford clinic for the oversexed. During the show, one may feel sad for these individuals, of course those feeling sorrow are probably those with a great sex life or those that can obtain a human being with ease for sexual gratification or in some cases enough money to pay for what cannot be obtained for free. Unfortunately, I do not fall under any of the for mentioned situations. So I will sit and make jokes about these unfortunate souls that suffer from this "rare" disease.

Since I had nothing better to do at the time, I watched not only a full episode but sat there and watched the second episode. Which brings me to my thoughts about this show. First point, the physcologist of this show really tries to emphasize how rare this disease is, I get it, it's rare. I don't need a guy to pop up on the screen in a white lab coat behind a desk, who is charming good looking and rich every 10 min to tell the viewers how rare this is. It is rare because where I come from it usually has another name for it. Whore, Slut, Ho, Studs, womanizer, hustler, Johns, you get the point. Then I started to become sensitive and try to understand why it is so rare. Millions of people in the world and only a small percentage have come forward with and confessed that they suffer from this "rare" disease. And then it hit me! millions of people in the world and only a small percentage of them are rich, powerful and beautiful. No wonder why they describe this as being rare, if it happens to the poor ugly and fat the CDC would be using the media as a platform to inform America that an epidemic has hit in our backyards. The war against sex would begin! Scientists would try to find a vaccine that would suppress our animal mating instincts! Strip clubs would close, prohibition would take full effect. But, as we all know the GOV waging war against something would lead to a different outcome then winning the war it started. Hell in it's quest to find the anti-sex vaccine we might find the cure for cancer. In its efforts to oppress the people within its borders from great and fantasy like sex, we will manage to stop the steady flow of drugs from coming across our borders.

But that's not the case here. Of course drugs and alcohol play a role in some cases. Hell, had I not had a substance or two in my system I would have definitely not experienced some of the sexual acts I have encountered throughout the years. Naturally I wake the next day asking myself what the hell did I do, and forget it if someone else saw me. I would have to weasel my way out it like some of these guys on tv, "man i know what your thinking I'm not a whore, I'm a sex addict, I need help!" That's all it is, some of these women and some men have been poked and stuck by more cocks then a hen on a chicken ranch in one night. Get busted, hang there head in shame by the acts they committed and claim it is due to a sexual addiction!
Naw dumbass its probably the addiction to drugs or booze that leads you to radical and strange sexual acts, but, not an addiction to sex.

No my friends sex addict is a term the rich and beautiful made up so that they can feel better about themselves. Because everyone knows the rich and beautiful could never be considered Whore, Slut, Ho, Studs, womanizer, hustler, Johns, of course one doesn't have to posses both, being rich or beautiful will do. Let them fools go broke and see what reality show they appear on next..."The rich and famous suck dick for money"

I know it's a sensitive subject, i may have stepped on a few toes. But lets think for a minute. If your ugly the only problem with sex you might have is the lack of. If your fat then the only problem you might have with getting laid is dependent on the amount of alcohol the other person next to you had. If your broke the only problem with sex you might have is getting someone to sleep with your broke ass. What if one of the people you just described might have a sex addiction Jd150807? Well, I'd have to say they are full it, finding one person to fuck them is hard enough, I seriously doubt they can find several for it to be a problem. Sex addiction is a Rich persons disease its not an average persons problem. If a married average Joe claims to be a sex addict, they are full of shit too. They are just tired of fucking you and got busted.

When I hear sex addict, I want to hear that the person had to check themselves into the ER with lacerations to there genitals, because, they couldn't stop masturbating. When asked why they didn't use a high end lubricant. I want the response to be that they were to embarrassed to go back to the adult store because they were just in there this morning and bought 6 of the finest bottles. Then when asked why they masturbated so much, i want to hear that there sexual partners no longer wanted to have sex because they were experiencing health problems concerning there back, legs, knees, and genital areas. When the doctor looks at him with a concerned look and then asks "were you under the influence of illegal or legal drugs at the time?" I want to see him look down in shame and say "no".

"hello everyone, my name is Jacob and I'm addicted to midget porn, heat soothing lotions, over sized condoms,cheap booze, and thinking outside the idiot box!"

Thursday, November 12, 2009


This past weekend was filled with allot of laughs. Saturday I went to a going away party for a buddy, he is moving to the valley for a job promotion. So they reserved an area at a swanky bar, not my cup of tea but I felt obligated to go. Typical high end bar, the drinks were over priced, the men looked like carbon copies of each other. All wearing tucked out shirts with sports coats and same style of hair hoping to catch a hot chick with there clothes and goals to reach corporate wealth. The women were on a desperate prowl to find an educated guy with money and all they brought to the table was a high school education, 15 hours of community college and a job at HEB to offer in return but they were hot! Its a funny sight.

I like the bars that you can go to do what it was intended for, to drink and bullshit. When you can have a conversation with a stranger all night, and never knew what they did for a living. If you find out it's just by chance. Then find out the they own one of the largest dealerships in San Antonio and has a single daughter to hook you up with.

Anyway, other than my negatives about the place, I had a great time! Saw some very beautiful women with great sweater meat! Talked to a guy that knew a guy, that knows a guy which will lead to me knowing a guy that knew a guy. Probably wont lead to much just me not knowing shit, but, social networking happens that way sometimes.

Sunday was special, hung out watched football, got annoyed with Dallas fan, while checking out hot Dallas fan women. Got cut off at a bar, went to another bar, cut ourselves off and ended the night at Jim's. Jim's is equivalent to an IHOP or Denny's. Denny's and IHOP really struggle in this town since people here are opposed to change. I have heard this and that about Jim's, how Denny's and IHOP don't have shit compared to this place. My buddy is telling me that he cant believe i have never been. One would think that this place is unique and special. But, Jim's is all over the place here. They have one at every corner like McDonald's in this town. Anyway we walk in half slanted and crossed eyed. I know we smell of cheap draft beer and cigarettes. We sit at the dinning bar were we can see the short order cook do his impersonation of a bennihanna chef with breakfast meats and eggs. I was too drunk to read the menu, so I just order what I wanted, two eggs over easy, 8 strips of bacon, and french toast. My buddy takes my lead and orders off the menu. I am pretty sure Jim's menu had a crafty name for what I ordered but I was too drunk to make sense of the names.

We bullshit with the manager and waiter talk about this and that, and then BAM. Our plates arrive. They placed a platter of bacon before me, at a quick glance it looked like it was 3 inches high. The french toast looked like half a loaf of bread. I look over at my buddy's plates, and the pancakes were stacked in a layer of three, but each pancake was as thick as my dick! he had about 8 pieces of Texas sized toast, that looked like they placed the whole loaf on a plate.

In my drunken stupor I inhaled the eggs and french toast and a couple of slices of bacon. Then I realized, these bastards fried up about a lb of bacon and severed it to me. It was a moment of man vs food. By buddy says "damn foo, you gonna have bacon all week" and then I reply "shit, I'm gonna eat all this shit right now" A look of your fucking crazy could be seen on his face and it was at that moment that I had to put my money were my mouth was.

I grabbed a slice of half lb Texas toast and crammed as much bacon as I could so that it would fold into a taco. I repeated this technique twice and after that second taco, the bacon level on the platter hadn't gone down an inch. What the hell did I get my self into! At this point the manager, the waiter and the fucking cook where looking at me like there is no way this dude can do it. My jaws were getting sore, my stomach felt like it was about to tear, I was dipping the bacon into syrup so that I wouldn't be able to taste all the bacon that had begun to fill my mouth.

I did it! The sense of drunk idiot pride took over and I felt like I had just done something great. I stood up from the table and walked out with a John Travolta Saturday night strut. I hop in the truck and it hit me. The smell of bacon and syrup aroma was coming off my upper lip, the bacon and bread could be felt just below my Adams apple and the urge to puke was calling. I pulled over got some fuel, dropped my buddy off and headed home without incident. About half a mile from my house I stuff my cheek with chewing tobacco, to settle my stomach, I then somehow swallowed a bit of the juice. The tobacco juice mixed with the half digested bacon and bread didn't mix at all. What then occurred could only be described as a bulimic
model on a purge while driving a pickup. I choked and gagged and my insides where now hanging on the outside of the closed drivers side door. I would have pulled over but there was no place to do so. I got home just as the smell of bacon and booze engulfed the cab of the truck and rushed to the shower. One would think the worst was over, but I laid in bed the rest of the night with indigestion and heart burn. I was so miserable I couldn't sleep. I was in a dark room with just my thoughts, "what a fucking idiot all this pain and embarrassment with no t-shirt, no photo on the wall at Jim's, no nothing. at least man vs food, is praised and admired for stunts like this, me?just another drunken idiot". The greatest piece of pork fat to ever be discovered for consumption is now on the do not eat list! I got up the next day and washed my face, stared in the mirror and with a grin thought to myself what the hell was I thinking last night!

Monday, November 9, 2009

why not

The years have gone by and I still miss you the same. The hours and days that separate our last hello may have turned into anger and hate, it may be your guilt and it may be your pride, but those feelings I didn't initiate.

I loved you more than life itself that is why I let you go, a beautiful smile, a laugh out loud and a knee slap chuckle was something I could no longer give. In the arms of another is where you found it, then in the arms of another is where you need to be. I let it go and I'm sorry to say that those reasons, excuses, and justifications has lead me to believe in my own self deprivation.

so when he holds you in that moment. I ache with envy and self loathing, that he figured out what I could not. He understands that the meaning and warmth of love, is the same as what you perceive it to be! I cherish the feelings that belong to you and because there yours; I challenge my heart to not feel the same type of happiness.

So I tip my glass, and just maybe my hat. You found something I could never possess, a liar, a cheat and a thief of my heart.

I hang on to our last good bye and our first hello

Jacob D. I love you ALL!!!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Killing Lions

Nothing new going on in the personal life. No crazy stories no nothing. Then again I haven't been drinking. I have been in Houston the last couple of weeks on business. So it's not like I can get bent all sides ways at my favorite Houston watering hole, pick up some strange and deranged women and bring them back to the parents house. I would imagine I could, but, I would hate to wake my parents up in the middle of the night to the sounds of whales mating! Could give my poor folks a heart attack or something.

But, I have been male bonding with my father, not that we have a bad relationship, its great, but, living in San Antone these past couple of years has put a strain on our relationship. Feel like we have lost touch a little bit. We are usually able to look at each other from across the room and a simple grin be on the same page. Then I sat back and realized that we haven't lost touch at all. We are just two men at different stages of our lives. One filled with pride and confidence ready to take what the world has to offer and the other filled with pride and confidence that he has taken everything the world gave him and made it work.

When I was younger my father stood eight feet tall, killed lions with his bare hands, and drank whiskey from the largest of bottles.

My dad is 69 now and judging from his weathered hands and sun damaged skin I'd say he proved what I knew all along, just a little shorter now. My dad told me a fucked up story the other day and I'm sure there was a message in there somewhere. He has never been the one to lecture. I can't remember a day that he ever did. But he always knew when I needed some advice. He would just tell me a story. We were sittin on the couch the other day bullshittin and telling jokes, of course my mom was not home, otherwise we wouldnt have been talking like a bunch of drunken sailors.

Anyway he tells me a story about one of his cousins and his cousins girlfriend. Dad was my age at the time, already married with about four kids. He was drinking his whiskey and shooting the shit when his cousin's girl makes a pass at him. My father being the man that he is, thanks her for the gesture and quickly degrades her. Words were exchanged and that was the end of it. Well, she goes back and tells his cousin that my father was making a pass at her and she was deeply offended. Words were then exchanged between dad and his cousin and all hell broke loose. The cousin takes out a gun and cocks the handle, my dad quicky slaps the gun down as the cousin raises it from just below his waist line. Dad picks up the gun, releases the clip and cocks the gun to remove the bullet from the chamber. Takes his knife from his back pocket tooses it to his cousin and says "here you mother fucker, if you want to kill me, your gonna have to get some blood on those hands." My father said that his cousin to a long look at him and then the knife and asked him to leave. The cousin married the woman had several kids, but, my father and him didn't speak for over 20 years. The man dropped by the house several years ago and him and dad drank some beers and thats when the cousin told my dad that he and the wife were divorced, the reason...she had been cheating on him for 10 years.

A quick" I ain't shittin you" was said in response to my laugh. I would like to say that my father went on to explain the conversation between the two of them or if they still keep in touch. But that was it. That short that simple. Knowing how he tells a story, I would have asked questions and he would have replied "shit I don't know what that son of a bitch was thinking", or "I didn't ask no questions I just left". So I kept my questions or comments to myself.

I'm sure there are allot of lessons to take from that one. The balls my dad had. Are you kidding me, I'm thinking to myself "let me disarm you and then give you another weapon to harm me?" I don't think so. The restraint from not wanting beat this shit out of him after a weapon was pulled. Especially coming from a man that got into a fight in front of church after the mass was over. Trust me it sounds bad, but its not, well only if you were the other guy,you would have to hear the whole story about that one later. I didn't understand why dad didn't go on to explain his side of the story. Then again, the cousin wouldn't have listened to him anyway, judging from his reaction to the whole situation.

In the end only time will tell what good his story will do for me one day. But, today I'm thinking I want to be just like my dad when I grow up. 8 feet tall and Killing Lions with my bare hands!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Longest night we all forgot!

I was at home tonight chillin with my parents and a best friend of mine brought up an old story. It was December 15 2002. A date that I could never forget. I had been dating this chick for about seven months, things between us was serious, but, I was too wild and afraid of commitment at the time. I hadn't brought her around any of my friends much, so, they didn't know too much about her. Besides none of my running buddies had serious girlfriends so why would I fuck up a good thing! Anyway, that weekend was her birthday and it just so happened that one of my oldest and closest friend shared the same birthday; December 15. It was trouble from the start. They both planned big birthday celebrations on the same day. I told the girl I was dating I would show up and would give her a call when I left my sisters house and let her know I was on my way to meet her and her friends. What she didn't know was that I was going to my friends birthday party first. I never showed up to her party and I didn't call her for days after that night. And here is the reason why, the night took me and three of my buddies on the longest night ever.

We started the night off at our friends birthday party. We drank, howled at the moon, and had a blast. Jello shots were passed around. Dancing and more dancing. Before I knew I had forgotten all about the girl I was seeing. Then we got the call... hot chicks and another party was going down in the Northside. Hell, why not!? Four young dirty southside studs looking to invade the northside! My buddy Peanut packed four guys in a 2 door green Honda civic Standard. Peanut was a guy I met freshman year in high school and been friends since. In that small ass car were 2 other big guys like myself. A big country redneck boy from Pearland,Tx named Bama. He lived in Alabama and told us a story of hunting for deer with buck shots and hound dogs, so we busted his chops for that then and till this day. Another white boy that claimed he was Mexican went with us, it took me a couple of years to come around to believe him. Didn't know him too much he was Peanut and Bama's boy

We hauled ass to the north side of town and this party was just going down. The DJ was busting old school jams, the whole back room of this house was gutted out, party lights, streamers, light show, smoke machine. It was a fucking Nightclub in the middle of the North Side Barrio. In the back yard the owner of the house had a craps table. From growing up in the southside and talking so much shit about northsiders these mother fuckers knew how to party! At the time we all got our kicks off when chicks were wearing thongs, yup, that's how long ago and young we were. We stood there staring with drunken eyes and and 22 year old boners. Then forget about it when these dirty girls started dancing on each other. We couldn't control ourselves. I drank so much that I blew chunks next to the craps table, my vision blurred, speech off center and legs were going out on me. About the same time my running buddies were just about to hit the same mode. And then all hell broke loose. Screaming, cussing, and swearing snapped my ass back into shape and I ran into the house.

Some guys at the party started fighting and this big ass brawl took place. Apparently there was a naked chick, someone with a gun, and someone else coming back with a gun that had just gotten out of prison. That was just way to much hard core shit for 4 pussies, so we checked the hell out of that place quick. Being with two white guys didn't help our situation either. We jammed back into the car and I passed the fuck out dreaming of daisies and thongs. When I came too, the car was swerving across five lanes and then back two, I shut my eyes and then I heard a click! Bama somehow managed to squeeze himself into the seat belt of that small ass car. I was afraid to even look at the way Peanut was driving and figured If we crash and die at least I wont see it. Our destination... back to our friends house in the southside...the safe side!

When we got there we pretty much sobered up, so it was back to drinking and bullshittin. Well, I thought I had sobered up until I fell off the back of a parked car. I was sitting on the trunk with a beer in the hand and saying dirty jokes. Bama apparently was in agreement with some off the wall nigger joke I said and leaned toward me to give me a high five. In my drunken state I swung my arm to meet his with a macho slap and missed his fucking hand. I do a 180 mid air twist and landed on my right shoulder, pain jolted up my arm as laughter and words of dumb ass filled the air, there I was laying in damp grass and beer spilled all over my chest. As I was helped up, the sight of a toddler bike caught my attention and the need to go for a bike ride was so overwhelming. I take it for a spin break the pedal and eat my shit again. That poor little girl was so upset that 9 years later she still remembers me as that big ass guy that broke her bike.

Everything started to wind down, well, not really but all the booze was gone. We drive back to peanuts house and I get in my truck to take off. By this time it was about 7 in the morning and I was spent. He offered to let me stay at his place but I was fine, the last drink I had was on me from when I fell off the damn car. I drove safe all the way home. I got about a block away from my house and decided to give the truck a little gas since I was in the clear. Next thing I know cop lights are flashing behind me. I pull over half a block away from my house. I was so close. I roll down the window and get the standard questions. When he asked if i had been drinking I said yea I was, last night. Technically I was correct, by this time it was 730 in the morning and I had my last drink just before midnight. But the thick smell of what the officer described as a mix booze, throwup, and piss filled the cab of the truck was enough to take me down. I was released on Tuesday afternoon. I told the story to my buddies exactly like it happened.

But what I told the girl I was seeing was a different story. She was so mad she never wanted to talk to me again so I did what any man would do when he likes a girl I lied!!!I told her I was picked up for DUI and was in jail about 7 pm the day of her party. Thats why I never called, answered any of her calls and would justly explain my no show. After showing proof that I was in fact locked up she forgave me and I was out of the dog house. But it didn't end there I milked that story for all that it was worth, told her i would never do something to ever hurt hur blah blah blah. I was safe, I had pulled off the biggest lie of my life. We were happy, I finally settled down and committed my self to her. She was part of the group everything was great.

We had just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and decided to meet all the guys up at cellar bar one night. We were sharing stories as usual. My girl was seated to my right Bama was in front of me, peanut, and the other white guy that was with us that night were off to my left. The conversation started about my DUI that one long night years ago. I was telling the story the way I had told my girl the story. I had to keep up the lie up. And every time I told the fake story Bama would interrupt and so "no stupid we had just come back from the north side party" I immediately kicked his damn legs and with facial expression was trying to tell the guy to shut the hell up. But Bama wasn't on the same page as me or anybody else that was there on that long night. I finish up the story, to my surprise my girl doesn't say shit, the night goes on we climb into out truck and then i hear "what the fuck is going on". Apparently when I was kicking Bama under the table to shut up he was kicking back but he wasn't kicking me he was kicking my girl at the time!

The guys and myself gave him so much shit for bustin the man code, the girl managed to overlook that night and stayed with me for a couple more years before she moved on. And today we sit and still talk about all that.

BAMA you know who you are buddy, this blog was just for you!

A girl named Dick

Okay people. I think that I am now ready to share this story with you. After months of drinking beer,bar-b-queing, and watching countless hours of pure heterosexual porn I feel like a man able to tell this story proudly. I often do things out of the ordinary just to say that I have done that or this, I like to meet strange and unusual people and talk with them just to get a sense of others view points about the world. Instead of the viewpoints that everyone else has. You know them, afraid to standout because they don't want people to judge them. They find themselves giving into the media and how the media should show us how to talk, feel, and believe. But I was not prepared for what I was faced with on that one Saturday several months ago. I was caught between being a loyal friend and male pride. A friend of mine decided to go to this house party that night and wanted me to go with him. I'm not a big fan of house parties where I do not know the owner personally, as I tend to get into trouble with those that feel they have to be guard dog to their friends house. If that doesn't happen then you are stuck with trying to mingle with people that are in there own comfortable zone and do not like outsiders having more fun then them.

So my buddy has a thing for the girl throwing the party, and he is trying to get close. The only problem for him is that he is being cocked blocked by a cocked eyed male who is obviously just a friend to the girl, but, will not let other men hit on her. Hate those guys. This guy looked like Uncle Fester with an eye that wandered endlessly through out his right eye socket. It was my duty to get this guy into a conversation that would keep him occupied so that my friend can get close to the chick. Not a problem, piece of cake. It's San Antonio, all I said was "man fuck the cowboys!" And there we go, a heated conversation about the damn cowboys began. After about 30 minutes of this guy ear fucking me about the cowboys I look over and my buddy seems to be cocked blocked again. Except this time it wasn't the fat overprotective girlfriend, it was worse than that, I can handle a fat one. Her gay best friend was doing the blocking! Now this guy was out there, flamboyant, talking extremely loud about sucking dick and laughing like Fran Dresser. As i stood there and watched my buddy stare at this guy is total disgust, I couldn't help but laugh. Him being from a small town people usually don't come across gays. So when they are around one its pretty funny to see the confusion and shock on there faces.

I step outside for a smoke and my buddy joins me and goes on to explain how the fag is now cock blocking. I was like your fucked, might as well go home now and rub one out. He gives me a look like man I really need a piece of pussy! And tells me for me to go and interrupt and talk to him, because I can talk to anyone and he knows that I can care less about someones sexual preference. Against my better judgment I am now a wing man to my heterosexual buddy with a big loud homosexual!!

This took some planning, extreme self confidence in my own sexuality and a couple of shots of tequila. I was about to take on the task that no heterosexual man should ever have to endure. I also had to understand that this buddy will never think about doing this for me if ever a time calls for it in my lifetime. It was like I was behind enemy lines, I was on my own in a strange place. I have trained my whole life to be a wing man for overprotective girlfriends, jealous hot friends, cousins, sisters, moms, dads, overprotective male friends, but, not fruits. This mission I was totally out of my element and comfort zone. At this point and time I feel that it is something that I must do, I have to do, to grow and become more understanding, I have met homos before but they were not queens like this guy was. It was a strange and awkward position to be in. So I walk over to the two and my buddy is next me in a typical anti-cock block formation. I was standing in front of the person i was suppose to distract. After standing there till there was a pause in the conversation, I uttered the words "what was your name again?" "Richard", he replies. Now I had to reply with something that was rude and offensive to see what this guy was about, if he had gotten mad, we would have left the party and I would have dodged this situation big time. "Wow, How ironic is that a gay guy named Dick!" I said with a smile. He laughed his ass off.

And then it began. We began to talk about night clubs, drugs, how men are assholes, how he had been single for too long and how he couldn't find a decent man. How all the men he has met have always played mind games. That there doesn't seem to be anyone out there for him. Shit I thought to myself I feel same about women in my situation. It was cool, we were having a good time, my buddy was inside with the chick and I had gay man outside involved in a conversation that made me vomit in my mouth several times. And then it began,

So you're not gay right?! he said with a twinkle in his eye. aakkkwwaarrrdddddd I had to come back with you kidding me if I was gay I'd have you sucking my dick right now playa!

"Damn your saucy" he uttered with a bigger twinkle in his eye. I knew at this point I fucked up. Where was my buddy?! I hope to God that white girl is doing large amounts of kinky shit to his ass! I better hear how she had him in a hucklebuck for a good 5 minutes! I am now caught in a battle of wits and words to show this homo that I like to joke and laugh but I don't play! I go on to explain that I am in fact a straight male with a taste for strictly pussy. That there is nothing better than to press my head against two soft sweet melons that are located on the chest of a woman, or have my ear drums popped by to tight inner thighs as I munch on a womans delight. yes I do fantasize about going balls deep in a tight ass, but the ass should not have a cock and balls attached to the bottom of it! And the reason for such a fantasy was probably because no good women has ever allowed me to do it. Had they allowed me to do it every time I probably wouldn't want it. Of course I was lieing, if a woman offered an alternative place to jab my pecker in whenever I wanted to, I'd be in it all the time. If I could fit my dick in her ear you better believe she'd really have a headache all the time. But, I couldn't tell my new pal Dick that, he would have turned it on me and made some weird comparison to gay anal sex. I had to stay sharp and focused, one step ahead of this guy. It was like talking to one of my best friends back home, I had to becareful not to slip or I'd hear "yea, that's what you moms likes!" or "I bet you like spicy sausage".

Every chance I had I would use my body language to show I wasn't a fruit, I would slowly bring the bottle of beer to my mouth not to draw attention in any kind of way that invoke a sexual fantasy to my gay pal. I gripped the long neck with a full fist and chugged it back like a redneck homo hater. I snorted and spit constantly, I placed chewing tobacco in my mouth and spit generously on the ground. I would have grabbed or tugged at my nuts but I didn't want to draw attention there either!

After it was understood that I wasn't shopping for dick, and neither was he ,we go on to the questionnaire part of the conversation. Why does a penis turn you on? For the same reasons a piece of pussy turns you on he replies. So when where you diagnosed with homosexuality? Around the same time you were diagnosed with being a heterosexual. I gathered from this type of back and forth shit that he was a girl in the relationship. Only a woman would give confusing question type answers. At the end of all this I find that gays have allot of hot girlfriends and that he was willing to hook me up with about half of them because I was so cool and different. He pulled out his phone and flipped through an inventory of hot friends. The only problem was that I don't think I would have been able to tell this story had I given this guy my number, even though I had already taken a major hit for a brotha in arms by putting myself in a situation where I could be torn apart by my heterosexual friends. I had to bow out gracefully and with little pride I had left.

Oh my friend...nope no action, I think they just talked all night with maybe a make out session with cloths on. What a waste! Of course I busted his balls every time I had the chance, but, then I would ease off in fear that he would say something smart like "well at least I wasn't outside talking to a fag all night!"

In the end it felt like I was talking to a strange woman about her likes and dislikes. But, being a wing man for the same sex? I'm thinking I'll never do that shit again!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Bruised Coccyx

Same thing I said when I was told I have one. It all happened on Thursday afternoon, I just got back into the truck after trekking the famous 2.2 mile trail that opened up a couple of months ago. Sweat was pouring off me and I can smell the salt escaping my dehydrated body, mixed with the fish oil pills I have consumed over the past month seeping out every pore of my skin made the smell unpleasant. The deodorant I wore that morning had begun to wear off and a hint of onion filled the cabin of the truck. As the aroma of a Punjab and Japanese slowly set in, I rolled down the windows and turned off the ac, it was so hot outside, that the beige cloth seat was sticking to the back of my legs and I could feel my socks fill up with the sweat dripping off my balls and taint!

I need a shower; a long hot shower! I peeled off the grey Nike shirt and drenched running shorts, and set the water on high heat. This is gonna be great, I thought as I pryed my nuts loose from my sweat soaked stripped jokey briefs! I extended my right arm to feel the temperature of the water and grinned with a sigh of relief as the water fell through the finger tips of my right hand. I slowly lifted my right foot over the tub, shifted my weight onto the right leg followed by my left leg looking like a flamingo in pre flight and BAM!! My foot slip out from under me and I landed right on my ass!

My left leg didn't make it over the tub wall and it was hanging over the edge in a 90 degree left angle. My right leg was fully extended and my foot was wedged under the faucet. A sharp pain raced up my spine, leaving me light headed and confused, at this point luke warm water was hitting me at the bottom of my neck. They only thing that I can think about was, you have to be fucking kidding me. I was worried that I had broken my back. I could feel my legs and I was able to take my left leg and place it into the tube, but, that action sent another sharp pain running up my spine to the back of my head causing my dizziness. I sat there and collected my breath as the pain was causing me to hyperventilate.

Now I had been knocked out before, I have had broken bones, torn ligaments, dislocated jaw and shoulder and in each occasion I knew exactly what hurt, this time I was confused on where the pain was coming from,my hole body had felt the jolt. So, I managed to push my self forward and turned off the water, and laid there for a good 30 min, for things to settle in and figure out where exactly the pain was. I was now prepared to exit the tub. My first attempt I pussied out with the first hint of pain. The way I moved wasn't exactly the way to get out. I tried as anybody else would get out of the tub. I placed my hands on the edges of the tub brought my feet towards my ass and try to lift myself. After what felt like 5 minutes the pain form the initial attempt subsided. I rolled to my left onto my stomach, threw my right leg over the tube, at this point I looked like an out of shape fat gymnast that racked himself on the balance beam. I slowly transferred the weight of my body towards the the bath room floor and just let my body fall. At this point the pain was..well to bad to put in words. But the determination and the will to beat the odds was overwhelming.

I brought myself to the edge of the toilet and let my upper body pull the weight of my legs under me and stood up. It was a little shaky at first, like a baby taking there first steps, but, I made it. I clothed myself with a towel and proceeded to grab a beer from the fridge went out side and smoked a cig.

I was pretty sore the rest of the day and found it hard to sit in a correct posture, so I sat on the right ass cheek the rest of the day, during the night it was amazingly peaceful as I am use to sleeping on my stomach anyway.

Don't worry people I am okay, no insurance so, I have taken upon myself to self medicate. I was at a bar on Friday doing exactly that, the ride to the bar was painful as hell but as long as I was standing I was okay. I am able o sit a little bit today which is why I posted this today and not Thursday.

Need to install a mat on the floor of the tub this week,not having one in the first place, apparently I wasn't thinking at all.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Booty Call

I have been thinking about this slang term for almost a week now and I still can't put my finger on it. Of course I have to explain why. Last Monday my phone rang at about 1:48 A.M. Now, being a boring old man these days, my first thought was, oh lord I hope someone is not in trouble. So, I do what any panicked individual might do, since my phone doesn't ring much these days especially at that time of the morning on a Monday. I jump up in search of the phone and hoping I would get to in time. No name on the caller Id, so for sure it was something bad, I thought!

A strange woman came on the line "hey you...whhhaattt are you dooooing?!
What the fuck? I thought to myself, it doesn't sound like someone is in trouble it sounded like a drunk teenage cheerleader on boones farm!

So after a It's me and a who? do I quickly figure out who decided to bless me with a phone call that interrupted my dream of screwing two Swedish models with a 30 inch dildo attached to my forehead! oh yeah it was a good one! They kind that puts a smile on your face in the morning like you really got laid the night before!

Anyway, It was this chick I use to fool around with along time ago. We had chit chated a few times over the years, it was nice knowing her, but, she became too attached to fast, and so you know the rest of the story on that one. I suppose I shouldn't have been showing off in the bedroom like I did!

She goes on to explain that she had been drinking all night and was on her way home and that she needed someone to keep her awake. I should have just hung up the phone. But, I thought I would pay it forward, since there have been so many people over the years that I have called for the same reasons. My friends of course because anyone other then my friends would have been a booty call. And that's when it hit me. Was this a booty call or does this chick think I am one of her friends.

She gets home we chat for about an hour or so and she goes to bed. I wake the next morning to a text message stating she was so hungover and to thank me for keeping her up. Now I was bothered, what the fuck is wrong with me, how did I let a drunk chick drive all the way home when she could have easily stayed at my house! Did I pass up a booty call or was this girl full of shit. Which lets me wonder what exactly is a booty call this days.

Since, I have never really done a booty call before, I think I tried once but I was so fucked up I couldn't talk and it backed fired. I wake the next morning fully clothed beside a naked woman and as my eyes open I hear "so did you really mean what you said last night? WHAT? UH? Yup, it went just like that. So I never did it again., same goes for today. Don't even think about calling a female if she is not a friend!

But what warrants a booty call. The time of day? O.K, I figure that can be anytime of day, since one is just calling for a piece of meat! I've been horned up at ten A.M hoping someone called into work today! How bout after they have been drinking? Ive been known to be drunk at 2 in the afternoon, walk outside the bar as a blast of sun light burns my retinas, thinking its gonna be a long day, I have a date in a few hours. So these questions or rules are not acceptable.

This is the way that booty call should have happened, one should not have to think if its a booty call or not. Or if the receiver is just being nice and don't want a booty call! Here is what the conversation should have been like so that miscomunication does not occur!!

"hey whhhhaattt are you ddooinngg"? Its me? You don't know who this is?! We use to fuck each others brains out! Does this ring a bell?

At this point she needs to put the phone on speaker and begin to make gagging and dripping wet slurping noises like she was actually sucking a dick while she drove.

"oh yeah I remember you! wwhhhaatt are you doooing?"

"I had way to much to drink and so I'm driving home, as a matter of fact I was in you area and was thinking about you so bad, so bad, I thought I must have spilled a drink in my lap that's how wet I am! "oh my god that sounds horrible, why don't you stop by my house and grab a towel, I just finished laundry last night?"
"your so silly, I have towels at home, but, how bout I come over to watch a movie" Nah I cant all my T.V's are broken!"

" Well, can I stop by just to say hi! I haven't seen you in a few years and it would be nice to give you a hug"

"That does sound like a good idea, but I stopped having sex with fat chicks, my buddies told me they saw you a couple of weeks ago and they told me you looked like you gained another person, I do have a fantasy about twins, but I don't think one person weighing the same as two people is NOT the same thing, how bout I talk on the phone with you till you get home safe, I can help you stay awake!!"

That's the way the conversation should have gone, now that girl thinks it's okay for her to call me at all times of the morning and talk, or drop subtle hints of a booty call. Now I have read this a few times thinking this could be offense but fuck it, If you weren't the one calling me Monday at 1:45 in the morning you have nothing to worry about!! What the hell was I thinking I should have just hung up phone!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Small Talk

My eyes open about 6:30 this morining to the sound of two mating cats. Now if anyone has heard this strange encounter one knows that not only is it a not pleasant sound, but definetly not a sound you would like to hear at that time of the morning. So I go through my morning ritual. Make breakfast, brew some coffee watch some news, get depressed turn it to sports center get tired of listening about Michael Vick. Read a few pages out of this book title "Diamond Age". Think about rubbing one out but it wasn't even noon yet so I decide to workout.

I head out to this new hiking trail that opened up a couple of weeks ago. San Antonio has nothing exciting going on unless its a mother who eats her newborn baby, you see its either nothing of something fucking extreme. Just like my life. Anyway the news made a big deal about this new 2.3 mile hiking trail in the medical center, had bands playing, the mayor ran it, high school cheerleaders. I can see why they made a big deal about it, San Antone is full of allot of over weight Mexicans, my self included. So they hype it up to get people out there.

So I'm there stretching out and all I see are white people. LOL go figure. Anyway I start the trail on the starting point, for those that don't know its the mile marker that reads .o miles. As the trail begins I am quickly reminded why I stopped running hiking trails, it is freaking painful! Its called a hiking trail for a reason. The trail begins with an asphalt paved trail, like a reassurance that its gonna be ok. They don't tell you about the jagged uneven terrain that San Antone is known for, hills that look like a mile long and slopes that drop off after you endure a painful trek up hill. And just when you think you should just turn back at half a mile the trail is paved again. They mind fuck you with that cause half a mile later it gets worse! At this point I should have just turned around. But I suck it up and complete it. I'm dying of pure exhaustion, you see, it wouldn't have been so bad but the trail is enclosed in a canopy of mesquite trees and brush so there is not wind at all. So if feels like your in a baking oven.

I dive onto the nice dirt and I'm on all fours dry heaving, which made me look like a dry humping dog making a few gag like gestures that would indicate one is about to throw up breakfast when I hear. "Are you okay?!" I turn to look in the direction trying not to be embarrassed and there she stood 5 foot 8 thin, beautiful, support bra and tight workout shorts but...blonde. "Shit" I was thinking myself this should be interesting.

Not that I have a problem with blondes I just have bad luck with white people in San Antonio. They often and I mean very often offend the hell out of me. They are so use to being around Mexicans and their Mexican friends that they say stupid shit. In Houston white people understand that just because they have a Mexican friend doesn't mean they can joke with every Mexican like that. Granted I should be use to it by now right Jake.... Anyway, I respond "yea I'm fine I just pushed myself today is all, but thank you for your concern."
"how many times did you go around?" she said.
What how many times did I go around!? I was thinking to myself, uh once! but instead what do I say " 3 times."
At this point you can tell by the expression on her face she was caught in between saying bullshit with a laugh or wow. So i quickly respond with a laugh and say i'm just kidding, once but it felt like i went around 3 times.

She busted out laughing, which proved she wanted to call bullshit. She was like "I was gonna say i lapped you twice!" I didn't even notice that's how spaced out I was trying to finish the fucked up trail.

So we get to talking while we have our post workout stretch, I show her a couple of different ways to stretch out different areas of one muscle. We talk about life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. All that bullshit. The hole time not one offensive mexican joke came out her mouth. I was impressed and relieved. Then she asks me what my last name was, so I tell her. And this look took hold of her face like are you serious followed by "and your first name is Jacob." Uh yeah, this dumb bitch busted out with "wow, are you a Mexican Jew or did you mom just marry a Mexican?"

Now as all of you know I was about to unleash the inner asshole, but I couldn't help trying to figure out her way of thinking or what the fuck was she thinking frame of mind. I have been called many things in my life time but this one took the cake. I had no words, just an expression of "are you fucking kidding me?" Instead I tell her no, that My great grandmother left Mexico to visit the holy land and was so taken back by the Jewish faith that she converted to Judaism and decided to make it her home. During WWII she was raped by a Nazi who converted to Judaism after the attack because he felt that it was the only way he could be forgiven by god. That his catholic savior would not forgive him because he raped a Jewish woman and thus must ask for forgiveness from their God. He got her out of Europe and they settled in Texas but because of the hatred towards Jews and Germans at the time he changed his name to Juan Diaz Davila to blend in with the migrant workers! Then I tell her that she was very impressive that she was able to spot that out!

I was waiting for her response boy was I waiting for it. Then she slowly opened her mouth and busted out in uncontrollable laughter. She was like you almost got me on that one, you look nothing like you came from German descent. Turns out she is Jewish and marrying a Mexican next week.

Never no who you're gonna meet these days. I came home, took a shower and wondered what would have happened had I gone offended angry Mexican route....glad I was thinking today!

Monday, August 3, 2009

An End to a bad day!

Anyway I have been in a shitty mood today. Cant understand why? Could have been the day of drinking on sat. SO, I decided to watch some porn. You know it usually cheers me up. The only problem I have is that all the good stuff is back in san antonio, hidden in a labyrinth of password protected folders. If I could I would have voice recognition software just to protect my porn from female judging eyes! What a man would do to hide his porn. I know that married guys get busted all the time but all it takes is that one time to get busted and its usually the type of porn that has a couple of animals, huge contraptions with 50 inch dildos attached to them, ramming every orifice that is available. Maybe some midgets in the mix somewhere, anyway you get the point.

So In the quest to find some porn, I come across the site that offers free downloads, and what would you know it had porn on it too. Now before those eyes start to judge...what would you expect me to do? That's right I clicked and downloaded everything that showed up on the screen. I felt like a fat kid in a free candy store! just grabbing stuff I know I probably wouldn't like!

Now I have to warn you about these downloads just because it is titled "hot babe with huge jugs"
does not mean it is exactly that!! I was anticipating the first down load and watching as the file completion percentage was increasing...98%, 99%....100% YAHHOOO Then, the magic words pop on the screen your download is complete!! Now you go thru a little ritual of watching porn, I know everyone has one, but I will share with you mine!!! well, my parents are in the next room ritual. Carefully take a stroll through the house so that I know if anyone is home and what they are doing so that I know they are heavily distracted doing something else. Then I gently close my door and lock it. As to not make that much of a sound. Then I pull up my media player and check the sound adjustments

So that when the entertainment begins, "fuck that pussy" is not blaring over and under the door to were your parents can hear it. Then I make sure I select play with media player because real player has horrible quality. I move the mouse every so gently to the file and click play, my heart skips a soft beat as I'm thinking my parents are in the next room I cant believe that i am doing this.

The title appears and you carefully place the mouse cursor over the volume control and lean in the direction of the speaker and BAAAMMMMM!!!!! Two huge fat chicks pop up on the screen in what can only be described as a murder suicide live feed!!! At this point and time I'm thinking to myself turn this shit off. But the curiosity just gets overwhelming and then you move your cursor and slide it across the bottom to fast forward. Fuck they got me. I will spare you the details.

But then the inner rage took hold of my mind. Who in the hell plays a fucked up prank like that! If i have anything remotely close on my computer to what i had just witnessed it would be titled "killer whales mate with a blue marlin!!" You could not see this guy he was about 16o and the beasts where well over a deuce and a half. You saw his feet hanging at the edge of the bed as one rode him and the other on his face. Horrible just horrible. The guy that ruined my last hope of cheerfulness eye fucked me so hard I had post traumatic blindness! It's a wonder I am able to type this post!

Going back to this dickhead. I really want to know who this guy is? Does he have friends? If you dig the biguns I can handle that, esp if you can, but, to title this mpeg with the thoughts of opening and viewing something magical is beyond a sick joke. Its a sick individual that is capable of ruining the last part of my day!

So I downloaded more, hey, you cant let one idiot ruin it for you right. It doesn't mean that everyone on the internet is as demented as this guy. So I downloaded and open another my surprise I watched two black midgets dressed in a diapers and baby bonnets humping the shit out of a six foot thin hot blond. Now I had to watch this shit....but that's another story. guess I didn't learn my lesson. But then again I wasn't thinking!!

Houston Baby Houston!

Houston is where the heart is but SA is where I belong! I had a good weekend drank a little too much talked a little to much shit.

Friday did a good deed and was repaid by a couple of phone calls from two particular women I thought i had lost. Saturday i went to only the best Baby shower ever!!!!!! Ice cold beer and plenty of good friends to drink it with. All these years I'm thinking a baby shower is a bunch of women playing games with the pregnant woman. One in particular comes to mind. Its where the woman takes a banana holds in between her legs while walking to a jar about 5 feet away and attempts to drop it in the jar by positioning herself over the empty jar and opening her legs.

As I glanced around the party in a drunken gaze, I saw married couples and couples and i starting to wonder where all the good pussy has gone. Apparently I haven't had any since I am still single or not married. I believe that it has become my personal duty to sniff one out, slay it and mount it on my mantle so that one day I can tell my grand kids, that particular piece was the last of the greats and your grand papi had it. Of course when they ask what ever happened to her I probably will say something like kids let me tell you a little story.

I met her in ought 9, it was a grand year that year. The first time a black man became president. I turned 30, your grandmother had just gotten off work from the jaded palace in san antone. What's that you ask little Peter. Its were men go and give these green pieces of paper with numbers on them, the higher the number the more she falls in love with you! Just about that time a harmonious song comes on to the loud speakers and she rubbs her body on you like a mechanical bull. They dont have them anymore, President Hillary Clinton outlawed those places 8 years after the herpes virus became airborn!

Anyway Peter North Jeremy Davila III, I was on my way to this place that gives you a massage, its a place where you go in and a woman comes out and touches you in places that make you really happy to be alive. The price is pretty expensive but its the same as taking a date on the night of the town and dropp her off and go home and take a long shower. Except when you come home from this place you take a hot shower for different reasons.

Any way I walk in and took off my clothes with a wad of green papper tucked in my sock. and wait for this lady to come in. To my surprise it was not a place that I thought it was. She became outraged when I asked her to touch grandpappi's smoking pipe! I apologized explained that this was just a big misunderstanding. It was a prank I was doing for school. I wound up giving her my business card, we talked over lunch, and thats her piece sitting on that mantle. What happened you asked.

I thought it was the best piece ever so I married it, then years later it changed on me. Became very cold to the touch, its stopped purring with extasy, and took all my money and left me broke. But I still have the trophy! To prove that ther might be another one out there. What little Ron Jeremy Davila II, no, grandma wasnt it. But it is her sister! ooouuuchhhhhh

Just off the wall stuff i was really thinking!!!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Beginning of a long day!

Dream land is were I am suppose to be right now. Women prancing across an open field, nude, flowing hair; searching for the lions den. Instead I woke to the sweet sounds of a growling stomach. I looked at the clock and to my surprise it read 5:30. I rolled over and tried to slip back into REM to continue that dream, that one dream that makes the world seem right, nah. I'm too fucking hungry.

Telwink, Franks grill, mamas hash browns, bacon, sausage, ham, Texas toast, coffee and orange juice.
I took all the breakfast meats diced them up and stuffed them into a perfectly rolled three egg omelet. Today my friends is the day we feast like kings! I shredded the potatoes, cooked the breakfast meats, poured the eggs out of the box. (egg beaters, tried to make this breakfast healthy!) Placed a slice a cheese ever so gently on the meat filled masterpiece! I ate only half, damn I should have just slept. So I did what any other adult over the age of fifty would do at that time of the morning after breakfast and coffee.

Watched the news, got depressed and changed the chanel to animal planet. Leave it to the Real Beavers was the title. As I sat there thinking of my next move on the business, Beavers became an all to familar joke and the young boy came out. I heard when the beaver gets angry, the hairy beaver, the beavers hair serves a disticnt purpose, and the one that left me in tears, a mature beaver can wreak havoc on the innocent farmer! I couldnt help myself i rolled laughing, so hard that the coffe and greasy food crept upon me like vietcong in the jungle, swift, dangerous and without warning!!! It was though the oil had lubed up the large instestine causing the coffee to act like a flowing river pushing debris to the mouth of the ocean.

Tomorrow morning, bowl of ceral minus the coffee! I wasnt thinking much this morning but I learned my lesson.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

This Should surprise YOU!

I was chatting it up with a very good friend of mine. She bought her special beau a little present and asked if it was appropriate. The price tag was not very large although the time and effort that was put into finding this little keepsake was a considerable amount.

So I had to give a bit of advice that was sweet and nice, characters that are hidden deep within, surrounded by walls of mistrust and bitterness of past relationships. A gift which the dictionary defines the word; as
something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation. Nice and easy not much to it. Yet we have found a way to complicate the hell out it.

When we were kids and I know that everyone has had that "little Johnny or Susie crush". They were the ones we had innocent crushes on, sometimes we made them love you cards, bought them teddy bears, or anything that we could get a hold of that would signify the feelings we had towards them. In that quest to find them that perfect little gift. There was never a thought of negativity in terms of what was appropriate, did we know them long enough, what will he or she think, would they think its too much or not enough, will they think we spent all this time looking for it and have them think it's psycho because of the amount of time we put into something simple or too extravagant. It was here johnny or here Susie back then! We would blush and the gift exchanged from our hands to theirs making them happy or not, but we didn't really stress over it much one way or the other, it was innocent and from the heart.

When did it change? Of course as adults we have all the answers. But when did we arrive at those answers and consider them just? Where they told to us from our friends that a gift should be bought in terms of the time and length of knowing someone? Did we read in a magazine that lists the amount of months each of has been together then quickly suggest and explain the gifts we should buy?! Or over the course or the years the price of the gift should increase? When we take away all the what if's the answer is still so simple.

If you feel the desire to buy that special someone a present, do it. Hell, buy the first thing you think of. If a car is what you want to buy, a boat, a hood ornament, sex toy, key chain with their name, salt shakers. Just buy it because you want to share with them and want to express that little gesture of I thought about you, I love you, and I want nothing in return. Maybe we complicate it because of what we expect in return. A hug, a shy grin, words of acceptance, give a gift tomorrow and dont explain the reason it was givien. See what happens!

As kids it was innocent and I think that the gifts and the love behind them should still be as adults. we have just found a way to complicate it....I believe that now but when I hear or read advice or thoughts about gift giving it always make me think shit... What have I been thinking?!


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Yes I did and No I'm not proud!

I woke early today, and did some random things like make breakfast tacos for like eight people and coffee for six. It's kind of hard to cook for one. So I took some over to my business partners house so that his visiting mother and grandmother could enjoy.

I was conversing with a friend of mine and an old story came up. And for that brief second I couldn't not figure out how i forgot that story, mush less forget to tell it. So I have decided to share it with all of you.

Back in ought 7, I was dealing with a bad break up. My final exams had just finished and I felt like unwinding a little. So I picked up a case of natural light put them on ice and decided to drink. At the time I had just moved to ole san antone, I must have been here six months, so not having many friends i could trust, I was left to down the case on my own. A task that wasn't much of a challenge but, drinking by myself had not been a hobby of mine, at that time anyway.

My roommate had taken his girl to dinner and the other was out of town. Somewhere between twenty beers, a couple shots of tequila, sad country music and tejano songs that where leading me towards tears as well as blissful thoughts of hookers. I changed the music to a more party theme. Not that I would have gone to pick one up, just the thought of having angry hate my ex ass pounding was tempting me. The kind that only a hooker could satisfy. I'm guessing for an extra fee I could have changed her name to the ex's too, but then that would have just been down right creepy.

So I decide to change it up to some ass shaking dance music. There I was in the middle of my living room dancing and signing to "aahhh FREAK OUT!" having a great time. Now I'm not to sure how it all happened but my shirt was all of a sudden off and draped over my right shoulder and I was sweating like a hooker in church. Then Eminem "Shake that ass feat. Nate Dogg" came out and I felt the sudden urge of getting crazy with it. I was in the zone, music was blaring on the surround sound and I had it on repeat. This song was just one of those songs that described me during that breakup. And you know when that special song plays you can relate to comes on....its all over with, forget about it. You're a crazed fool trying to sing it louder than the speakers are playing it.

About the 5th or 6th time on the CD player, I was yelling along with the lyrics like there was no tomorrow, dropping it, shaking it, just acting like a dumb ass that lost his mind. As I'm in the middle of a new made up dance move, I heard a woman's voice yelling "OH MY GOOOODDD!!!!

As I take a swig of beer I turn my attention to the voice just over my left shoulder, and turn around, my roommates girl shot straight back to the front door, I thought that was weird, I shrugged my shoulders rewound the song to my favorite part and noticed as I bent down, I was butt ass naked with only my flip flops on and a cold natural light in my right hand. At that point I was so wasted Instead of running for something to put on, I finished the rest of the song and beer and not only did my roommates chick get to see me for a second time when she came back inside but my roommate did too!

Now the only thing that I can do at this point in my life, is to laugh about it and try to figure out, dancing alone to eminem naked and getting wasted.....What was I thinking!?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Smells and Tastes like "Roses"

Well, most of the time I'm alone here in good ole San Antone. So I have allot of alone time on my hands, no people, its not what you think. I didn't say my hands are always full. Anyway, I often venture off about town just to get out of the house and make new friends. I came home from the park tonight, yes I was working out. And I just couldn't get over the conversation I heard two women talking about. Don't get me wrong, I was not eavesdropping, I'm not that kind of man. The only reason I was behind these two young ladies was because they decided on wearing workout shorts so tight and small that the "scoot to the poot" was extremely noticeable. Now I wasn't looking very hard but when the left leg extended to take a forward step, I heard angels sing, which in turn casued me to look and focus in the direction of this strange yet lovely noise. You know I have to admit it's in my nature to be curious.

So, I continued to walk behind them so that the other gentlemen wouldn't make fun of them about what they were wearing. So as I was locked into man mode my eyes gazed at there backside as they pranced around the track like gazelle in heat. Then I heard "I'm going down on a girl and she doesn't taste or smell like roses, is there a polite way to back out?" The singing stopped and then the question set in. "she doesn't taste or smell like roses?" "Is there a polite way to back out?" Had I looked into the mirror at that point, my face would have shown deep concern rather than the overwhelming excitement that men experience when they figure out they are in the presence of lesbians. I should have been thinking "yes she's a lesbian let me continue to listen!" then her girlfriend responded "Hold your breath and very slowly redirect your attention: Kiss your way up past her navel to her breasts. Give each of her nipples a swirl with your tongue, then kiss her shoulders, collarbone, and neck. She'll think you were going for the all-over body smooch from the get-go."

Okay, before we move on, the workout was great the scenery was nice, but my legs were cramping, my stomach was upset, I was about to pass out. Which I must admit is a big improvement, I felt like that half way around the track a month ago.(the track is a quarter mile one time around, i don't think its right.) and tonight I made it one time around!

Anyway, back to my point. "she doesn't smell or taste like roses?" she had to have been one of these co-eds that are trying this out for this first time. Then it hit me, does she think her mound of heaven smelled like roses let alone taste like it? What gave her that impression? What man lied to her? who was her man? what part of the world did this woman come from? Can she lick her own snatch?(now that would be impressive). I have been around the vaginal area a few times in my day. Hell, I have even tasted it once! okay, twice, okay I cant lie, four times. I've read books, magazines, I have even surfed the net to find out more about it. That's how mysterious gods greatest gift is, there is not enough information on the female reproductive system and the ways to which we should excite it! But c'mon! look... I'm not Emeril, but i know if a piece of fish is fresh or not and I'm no Martha Stewart but I know that the only thing that can possibly smell like a rose... is a fucking ROSE! I've never tasted a rose so I'm stuck there. But, you get the point. I may go out and eat a pedal after this but that's a other post!

Now I didn't stick around to hear what in the hell she did after she noticed it didn't smell or taste like a goddamn rose. I can only describe to all of you the expression of pure "what the fuck?" that took over my face in response to what her lovely workout partner said. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT? look, I'm understanding and sensitive i get it. You don't want to hurt the feelings of the person getting munched on, I've had to fight off the wrath of two angry inner thighs locked onto the side of my head during a moment of "cooter" pleasure because of the lack of oxygen. In the moment of pure desperation I had to reach around with a clubbed fist and punched her in the stomach to unleash me. It was a little radical but, one will do things to SURVIVE, don't judge.

Anyway. "Hold your breath and very slowly redirect your attention: Kiss your way up past her navel to her breasts. Give each of her nipples a swirl with your tongue, then kiss her shoulders, collarbone, and neck. She'll think you were going for the all-over body smooch from the get-go". Direct your attention to what? how? why? Your upper lip smells like god knows what! I'm guessing at this point it was a bad piece, if "I" go down expecting to smell and taste roses and don't get roses, I'm gonna be pretty freaking upset! I might roll her ass over to find the panties I squeezed her out of, to see if I can find a warning label stating "objects found inside may not be life like". I'm not going to give her a full body smooch. Now, anyone that has had a bad pie raise your hand?....................(putting my hand down)OK I guess I'm the only one man enough to admit it at this point. Once you have moved away from the danger zone, the smell may not be as intense but it lingers, and I have a beard. It lingers a little stronger. I can just imagine the look of this poor girl. Had this been her first experince she should just stop now. I didnt get close enough to her face to take a wiff but I had to shave my beard after my first experience and the smell still lingered.

Every time someone asked what that smell was, beads of sweat began to form over my brow as I drifted to the nearest sink to wash my face. OK, redirect to other parts of the body to make her think your going for the all-over the body experience. Shit, this friend giving the advice sucks, now any person knows when it smells it smells and don't take long for one to figure it out. But if you are down there a second maybe 2 seconds, maybe your sinuses are acting up and then decide to go for the "all body smooch" move around. Your partner knows something's up. 1.)you're either a tease 2.)you don't like munching so you are not going to get the same treatment or 3.)their pussy stinks. You cant play it off. What her "Friend" should have said was get the hell out then go on to explain the levels of pussy smell. Vagina smells, there is three levels of vagina smell, good meaning continue, bad but we have been dancing all night bad, but continue yours smells the same, and get the fuck out. If its get the fuck out smell, then erase her number from your phone, change email address, block her from the dating site your on, myspace, face book, don't even think about twittering. Then check into the nearest clinic for tests just to be sure!

If she was a real good friend she would have laughed so hard she pissed herself, make fun of her for thinking it smells and tastes like roses, dog her out the rest of the workout. Call her to make sure she got home safe, dogged her out some more, then when they go out, dog her ass some more around the rest of her friends, make sure she gets the memo passed around with picture and date of birth of the suspected smelly snatch and this dogging behavior should continue at least a life time or so, cause she is a real good friend and would be around forever right?!!!

The younger generation was suppose to be smarter than mine. After this incident.....What was I THINKING?