Monday, November 23, 2009

That Bar!

My roommate and I drove into Htown today. It takes me 3 and a half hours to drive into htown from San Antone, and 4 hours to drive back from Houston. The time is longer to get back to the bachelor pad cause I get so wasted that in my drive back I feel that if I get pulled over the cops will make me take a breath a lizer test and based on the amount of booze I intake, I will still register a 1.8 after 2 days of sobering up. My roommate made the time in 2 hours and 30 minutes, I thought I died twice and saw my life flash before me several times, once with a truck with deer hoofs sticking out the bed of his truck, a 4 door kia sportage, and twice with an eighteen wheeler!

I relax with my parents, my mom tells me stories about my nieces and nephews, while my dad busts my balls about anything and everything including the cowboys win. After about 8 hours it is time to hit a bar. We decide a pub that all of us hadn't been to in over 6 years. The last time us 3 were in there, one was throwing up,and the other 2 were talking about there receding hair line. We were boys then, but tonight we gathered around a pitcher of cheap beer, just like we always did and suddenly I realized that those boys just trying to figure out life together are now men trying to make sense of it all.

The conversations tonight were about bachelor parties and how kids get the best of you. Marriage and bills and bills and marriage. It was no longer "dude what time do you have to be at work tomorrow', now it was "I took vacation time, I'm off tomorrow" and "when is this bachelor party so I can take some more vacation time." Instead of chipping in cash to pay for a tab it was how much is it without a worry and can I get a receipt. Instead of the bar cutting us off, it was "man I got to get home."

In those moments where I saw a difference and should have been sad that youth was gone, my heart filled with pride with the men we have become. okay, okay. Lost myself there for a second. I was proud to see my boys become men, and proud that I didn't bust there balls with "pussy, there was a time when you didn't give a shit" and try to make them stay out later with "dude I have beer at my house, or whose house are we going to now!" Today there was a sense of understanding and shit me too, i have to get to my parents house, I don't want them to worry or wake them at 5 in the morning because I am a guest in there home now, here for a visit and a nice home cooked meal.

It was nice to see and will remember it always, but tomorrow is a different story. We came home because we plan to really party tomorrow, we will talk about the hair that is gone and the young ass we can no longer get, then talk about how good the ass was when we were that age, only to justify it by saying "I wouldn't want a young girl like that anymore I have to teach her" one will throw up, the other complain about the bills and marriage while the other contemplates his decision of getting married! I WILL sit back and enjoy the men we are today, but, laugh at the men we will be tomorrow! Boys we once where and boys we will always be, laughing joking and talking shit, thinking of ways to express our thoughts in a mature manner!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Sex Addiction

No not me, I may suffer from a lack of, but, my thoughts have never been overwhelmed with pride that I may suffer from this rare diseases. The reason I bring up this subject is because I recently saw a show on T.V. that filled me with envy which was sadly expressed with laughter. It is a group of people ranging from celebrities to the average joe. They are checked into a clinic and given treatment. It is basically a betty ford clinic for the oversexed. During the show, one may feel sad for these individuals, of course those feeling sorrow are probably those with a great sex life or those that can obtain a human being with ease for sexual gratification or in some cases enough money to pay for what cannot be obtained for free. Unfortunately, I do not fall under any of the for mentioned situations. So I will sit and make jokes about these unfortunate souls that suffer from this "rare" disease.

Since I had nothing better to do at the time, I watched not only a full episode but sat there and watched the second episode. Which brings me to my thoughts about this show. First point, the physcologist of this show really tries to emphasize how rare this disease is, I get it, it's rare. I don't need a guy to pop up on the screen in a white lab coat behind a desk, who is charming good looking and rich every 10 min to tell the viewers how rare this is. It is rare because where I come from it usually has another name for it. Whore, Slut, Ho, Studs, womanizer, hustler, Johns, you get the point. Then I started to become sensitive and try to understand why it is so rare. Millions of people in the world and only a small percentage have come forward with and confessed that they suffer from this "rare" disease. And then it hit me! millions of people in the world and only a small percentage of them are rich, powerful and beautiful. No wonder why they describe this as being rare, if it happens to the poor ugly and fat the CDC would be using the media as a platform to inform America that an epidemic has hit in our backyards. The war against sex would begin! Scientists would try to find a vaccine that would suppress our animal mating instincts! Strip clubs would close, prohibition would take full effect. But, as we all know the GOV waging war against something would lead to a different outcome then winning the war it started. Hell in it's quest to find the anti-sex vaccine we might find the cure for cancer. In its efforts to oppress the people within its borders from great and fantasy like sex, we will manage to stop the steady flow of drugs from coming across our borders.

But that's not the case here. Of course drugs and alcohol play a role in some cases. Hell, had I not had a substance or two in my system I would have definitely not experienced some of the sexual acts I have encountered throughout the years. Naturally I wake the next day asking myself what the hell did I do, and forget it if someone else saw me. I would have to weasel my way out it like some of these guys on tv, "man i know what your thinking I'm not a whore, I'm a sex addict, I need help!" That's all it is, some of these women and some men have been poked and stuck by more cocks then a hen on a chicken ranch in one night. Get busted, hang there head in shame by the acts they committed and claim it is due to a sexual addiction!
Naw dumbass its probably the addiction to drugs or booze that leads you to radical and strange sexual acts, but, not an addiction to sex.

No my friends sex addict is a term the rich and beautiful made up so that they can feel better about themselves. Because everyone knows the rich and beautiful could never be considered Whore, Slut, Ho, Studs, womanizer, hustler, Johns, of course one doesn't have to posses both, being rich or beautiful will do. Let them fools go broke and see what reality show they appear on next..."The rich and famous suck dick for money"

I know it's a sensitive subject, i may have stepped on a few toes. But lets think for a minute. If your ugly the only problem with sex you might have is the lack of. If your fat then the only problem you might have with getting laid is dependent on the amount of alcohol the other person next to you had. If your broke the only problem with sex you might have is getting someone to sleep with your broke ass. What if one of the people you just described might have a sex addiction Jd150807? Well, I'd have to say they are full it, finding one person to fuck them is hard enough, I seriously doubt they can find several for it to be a problem. Sex addiction is a Rich persons disease its not an average persons problem. If a married average Joe claims to be a sex addict, they are full of shit too. They are just tired of fucking you and got busted.

When I hear sex addict, I want to hear that the person had to check themselves into the ER with lacerations to there genitals, because, they couldn't stop masturbating. When asked why they didn't use a high end lubricant. I want the response to be that they were to embarrassed to go back to the adult store because they were just in there this morning and bought 6 of the finest bottles. Then when asked why they masturbated so much, i want to hear that there sexual partners no longer wanted to have sex because they were experiencing health problems concerning there back, legs, knees, and genital areas. When the doctor looks at him with a concerned look and then asks "were you under the influence of illegal or legal drugs at the time?" I want to see him look down in shame and say "no".

"hello everyone, my name is Jacob and I'm addicted to midget porn, heat soothing lotions, over sized condoms,cheap booze, and thinking outside the idiot box!"

Thursday, November 12, 2009


This past weekend was filled with allot of laughs. Saturday I went to a going away party for a buddy, he is moving to the valley for a job promotion. So they reserved an area at a swanky bar, not my cup of tea but I felt obligated to go. Typical high end bar, the drinks were over priced, the men looked like carbon copies of each other. All wearing tucked out shirts with sports coats and same style of hair hoping to catch a hot chick with there clothes and goals to reach corporate wealth. The women were on a desperate prowl to find an educated guy with money and all they brought to the table was a high school education, 15 hours of community college and a job at HEB to offer in return but they were hot! Its a funny sight.

I like the bars that you can go to do what it was intended for, to drink and bullshit. When you can have a conversation with a stranger all night, and never knew what they did for a living. If you find out it's just by chance. Then find out the they own one of the largest dealerships in San Antonio and has a single daughter to hook you up with.

Anyway, other than my negatives about the place, I had a great time! Saw some very beautiful women with great sweater meat! Talked to a guy that knew a guy, that knows a guy which will lead to me knowing a guy that knew a guy. Probably wont lead to much just me not knowing shit, but, social networking happens that way sometimes.

Sunday was special, hung out watched football, got annoyed with Dallas fan, while checking out hot Dallas fan women. Got cut off at a bar, went to another bar, cut ourselves off and ended the night at Jim's. Jim's is equivalent to an IHOP or Denny's. Denny's and IHOP really struggle in this town since people here are opposed to change. I have heard this and that about Jim's, how Denny's and IHOP don't have shit compared to this place. My buddy is telling me that he cant believe i have never been. One would think that this place is unique and special. But, Jim's is all over the place here. They have one at every corner like McDonald's in this town. Anyway we walk in half slanted and crossed eyed. I know we smell of cheap draft beer and cigarettes. We sit at the dinning bar were we can see the short order cook do his impersonation of a bennihanna chef with breakfast meats and eggs. I was too drunk to read the menu, so I just order what I wanted, two eggs over easy, 8 strips of bacon, and french toast. My buddy takes my lead and orders off the menu. I am pretty sure Jim's menu had a crafty name for what I ordered but I was too drunk to make sense of the names.

We bullshit with the manager and waiter talk about this and that, and then BAM. Our plates arrive. They placed a platter of bacon before me, at a quick glance it looked like it was 3 inches high. The french toast looked like half a loaf of bread. I look over at my buddy's plates, and the pancakes were stacked in a layer of three, but each pancake was as thick as my dick! he had about 8 pieces of Texas sized toast, that looked like they placed the whole loaf on a plate.

In my drunken stupor I inhaled the eggs and french toast and a couple of slices of bacon. Then I realized, these bastards fried up about a lb of bacon and severed it to me. It was a moment of man vs food. By buddy says "damn foo, you gonna have bacon all week" and then I reply "shit, I'm gonna eat all this shit right now" A look of your fucking crazy could be seen on his face and it was at that moment that I had to put my money were my mouth was.

I grabbed a slice of half lb Texas toast and crammed as much bacon as I could so that it would fold into a taco. I repeated this technique twice and after that second taco, the bacon level on the platter hadn't gone down an inch. What the hell did I get my self into! At this point the manager, the waiter and the fucking cook where looking at me like there is no way this dude can do it. My jaws were getting sore, my stomach felt like it was about to tear, I was dipping the bacon into syrup so that I wouldn't be able to taste all the bacon that had begun to fill my mouth.

I did it! The sense of drunk idiot pride took over and I felt like I had just done something great. I stood up from the table and walked out with a John Travolta Saturday night strut. I hop in the truck and it hit me. The smell of bacon and syrup aroma was coming off my upper lip, the bacon and bread could be felt just below my Adams apple and the urge to puke was calling. I pulled over got some fuel, dropped my buddy off and headed home without incident. About half a mile from my house I stuff my cheek with chewing tobacco, to settle my stomach, I then somehow swallowed a bit of the juice. The tobacco juice mixed with the half digested bacon and bread didn't mix at all. What then occurred could only be described as a bulimic
model on a purge while driving a pickup. I choked and gagged and my insides where now hanging on the outside of the closed drivers side door. I would have pulled over but there was no place to do so. I got home just as the smell of bacon and booze engulfed the cab of the truck and rushed to the shower. One would think the worst was over, but I laid in bed the rest of the night with indigestion and heart burn. I was so miserable I couldn't sleep. I was in a dark room with just my thoughts, "what a fucking idiot all this pain and embarrassment with no t-shirt, no photo on the wall at Jim's, no nothing. at least man vs food, is praised and admired for stunts like this, me?just another drunken idiot". The greatest piece of pork fat to ever be discovered for consumption is now on the do not eat list! I got up the next day and washed my face, stared in the mirror and with a grin thought to myself what the hell was I thinking last night!

Monday, November 9, 2009

why not

The years have gone by and I still miss you the same. The hours and days that separate our last hello may have turned into anger and hate, it may be your guilt and it may be your pride, but those feelings I didn't initiate.

I loved you more than life itself that is why I let you go, a beautiful smile, a laugh out loud and a knee slap chuckle was something I could no longer give. In the arms of another is where you found it, then in the arms of another is where you need to be. I let it go and I'm sorry to say that those reasons, excuses, and justifications has lead me to believe in my own self deprivation.

so when he holds you in that moment. I ache with envy and self loathing, that he figured out what I could not. He understands that the meaning and warmth of love, is the same as what you perceive it to be! I cherish the feelings that belong to you and because there yours; I challenge my heart to not feel the same type of happiness.

So I tip my glass, and just maybe my hat. You found something I could never possess, a liar, a cheat and a thief of my heart.

I hang on to our last good bye and our first hello

Jacob D. I love you ALL!!!!