Monday, August 24, 2009

Bruised Coccyx

Same thing I said when I was told I have one. It all happened on Thursday afternoon, I just got back into the truck after trekking the famous 2.2 mile trail that opened up a couple of months ago. Sweat was pouring off me and I can smell the salt escaping my dehydrated body, mixed with the fish oil pills I have consumed over the past month seeping out every pore of my skin made the smell unpleasant. The deodorant I wore that morning had begun to wear off and a hint of onion filled the cabin of the truck. As the aroma of a Punjab and Japanese slowly set in, I rolled down the windows and turned off the ac, it was so hot outside, that the beige cloth seat was sticking to the back of my legs and I could feel my socks fill up with the sweat dripping off my balls and taint!

I need a shower; a long hot shower! I peeled off the grey Nike shirt and drenched running shorts, and set the water on high heat. This is gonna be great, I thought as I pryed my nuts loose from my sweat soaked stripped jokey briefs! I extended my right arm to feel the temperature of the water and grinned with a sigh of relief as the water fell through the finger tips of my right hand. I slowly lifted my right foot over the tub, shifted my weight onto the right leg followed by my left leg looking like a flamingo in pre flight and BAM!! My foot slip out from under me and I landed right on my ass!

My left leg didn't make it over the tub wall and it was hanging over the edge in a 90 degree left angle. My right leg was fully extended and my foot was wedged under the faucet. A sharp pain raced up my spine, leaving me light headed and confused, at this point luke warm water was hitting me at the bottom of my neck. They only thing that I can think about was, you have to be fucking kidding me. I was worried that I had broken my back. I could feel my legs and I was able to take my left leg and place it into the tube, but, that action sent another sharp pain running up my spine to the back of my head causing my dizziness. I sat there and collected my breath as the pain was causing me to hyperventilate.

Now I had been knocked out before, I have had broken bones, torn ligaments, dislocated jaw and shoulder and in each occasion I knew exactly what hurt, this time I was confused on where the pain was coming from,my hole body had felt the jolt. So, I managed to push my self forward and turned off the water, and laid there for a good 30 min, for things to settle in and figure out where exactly the pain was. I was now prepared to exit the tub. My first attempt I pussied out with the first hint of pain. The way I moved wasn't exactly the way to get out. I tried as anybody else would get out of the tub. I placed my hands on the edges of the tub brought my feet towards my ass and try to lift myself. After what felt like 5 minutes the pain form the initial attempt subsided. I rolled to my left onto my stomach, threw my right leg over the tube, at this point I looked like an out of shape fat gymnast that racked himself on the balance beam. I slowly transferred the weight of my body towards the the bath room floor and just let my body fall. At this point the pain was..well to bad to put in words. But the determination and the will to beat the odds was overwhelming.

I brought myself to the edge of the toilet and let my upper body pull the weight of my legs under me and stood up. It was a little shaky at first, like a baby taking there first steps, but, I made it. I clothed myself with a towel and proceeded to grab a beer from the fridge went out side and smoked a cig.

I was pretty sore the rest of the day and found it hard to sit in a correct posture, so I sat on the right ass cheek the rest of the day, during the night it was amazingly peaceful as I am use to sleeping on my stomach anyway.

Don't worry people I am okay, no insurance so, I have taken upon myself to self medicate. I was at a bar on Friday doing exactly that, the ride to the bar was painful as hell but as long as I was standing I was okay. I am able o sit a little bit today which is why I posted this today and not Thursday.

Need to install a mat on the floor of the tub this week,not having one in the first place, apparently I wasn't thinking at all.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Booty Call

I have been thinking about this slang term for almost a week now and I still can't put my finger on it. Of course I have to explain why. Last Monday my phone rang at about 1:48 A.M. Now, being a boring old man these days, my first thought was, oh lord I hope someone is not in trouble. So, I do what any panicked individual might do, since my phone doesn't ring much these days especially at that time of the morning on a Monday. I jump up in search of the phone and hoping I would get to in time. No name on the caller Id, so for sure it was something bad, I thought!

A strange woman came on the line "hey you...whhhaattt are you dooooing?!
What the fuck? I thought to myself, it doesn't sound like someone is in trouble it sounded like a drunk teenage cheerleader on boones farm!

So after a It's me and a who? do I quickly figure out who decided to bless me with a phone call that interrupted my dream of screwing two Swedish models with a 30 inch dildo attached to my forehead! oh yeah it was a good one! They kind that puts a smile on your face in the morning like you really got laid the night before!

Anyway, It was this chick I use to fool around with along time ago. We had chit chated a few times over the years, it was nice knowing her, but, she became too attached to fast, and so you know the rest of the story on that one. I suppose I shouldn't have been showing off in the bedroom like I did!

She goes on to explain that she had been drinking all night and was on her way home and that she needed someone to keep her awake. I should have just hung up the phone. But, I thought I would pay it forward, since there have been so many people over the years that I have called for the same reasons. My friends of course because anyone other then my friends would have been a booty call. And that's when it hit me. Was this a booty call or does this chick think I am one of her friends.

She gets home we chat for about an hour or so and she goes to bed. I wake the next morning to a text message stating she was so hungover and to thank me for keeping her up. Now I was bothered, what the fuck is wrong with me, how did I let a drunk chick drive all the way home when she could have easily stayed at my house! Did I pass up a booty call or was this girl full of shit. Which lets me wonder what exactly is a booty call this days.

Since, I have never really done a booty call before, I think I tried once but I was so fucked up I couldn't talk and it backed fired. I wake the next morning fully clothed beside a naked woman and as my eyes open I hear "so did you really mean what you said last night? WHAT? UH? Yup, it went just like that. So I never did it again., same goes for today. Don't even think about calling a female if she is not a friend!

But what warrants a booty call. The time of day? O.K, I figure that can be anytime of day, since one is just calling for a piece of meat! I've been horned up at ten A.M hoping someone called into work today! How bout after they have been drinking? Ive been known to be drunk at 2 in the afternoon, walk outside the bar as a blast of sun light burns my retinas, thinking its gonna be a long day, I have a date in a few hours. So these questions or rules are not acceptable.

This is the way that booty call should have happened, one should not have to think if its a booty call or not. Or if the receiver is just being nice and don't want a booty call! Here is what the conversation should have been like so that miscomunication does not occur!!

"hey whhhhaattt are you ddooinngg"? Its me? You don't know who this is?! We use to fuck each others brains out! Does this ring a bell?

At this point she needs to put the phone on speaker and begin to make gagging and dripping wet slurping noises like she was actually sucking a dick while she drove.

"oh yeah I remember you! wwhhhaatt are you doooing?"

"I had way to much to drink and so I'm driving home, as a matter of fact I was in you area and was thinking about you so bad, so bad, I thought I must have spilled a drink in my lap that's how wet I am! "oh my god that sounds horrible, why don't you stop by my house and grab a towel, I just finished laundry last night?"
"your so silly, I have towels at home, but, how bout I come over to watch a movie" Nah I cant all my T.V's are broken!"

" Well, can I stop by just to say hi! I haven't seen you in a few years and it would be nice to give you a hug"

"That does sound like a good idea, but I stopped having sex with fat chicks, my buddies told me they saw you a couple of weeks ago and they told me you looked like you gained another person, I do have a fantasy about twins, but I don't think one person weighing the same as two people is NOT the same thing, how bout I talk on the phone with you till you get home safe, I can help you stay awake!!"

That's the way the conversation should have gone, now that girl thinks it's okay for her to call me at all times of the morning and talk, or drop subtle hints of a booty call. Now I have read this a few times thinking this could be offense but fuck it, If you weren't the one calling me Monday at 1:45 in the morning you have nothing to worry about!! What the hell was I thinking I should have just hung up phone!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Small Talk

My eyes open about 6:30 this morining to the sound of two mating cats. Now if anyone has heard this strange encounter one knows that not only is it a not pleasant sound, but definetly not a sound you would like to hear at that time of the morning. So I go through my morning ritual. Make breakfast, brew some coffee watch some news, get depressed turn it to sports center get tired of listening about Michael Vick. Read a few pages out of this book title "Diamond Age". Think about rubbing one out but it wasn't even noon yet so I decide to workout.

I head out to this new hiking trail that opened up a couple of weeks ago. San Antonio has nothing exciting going on unless its a mother who eats her newborn baby, you see its either nothing of something fucking extreme. Just like my life. Anyway the news made a big deal about this new 2.3 mile hiking trail in the medical center, had bands playing, the mayor ran it, high school cheerleaders. I can see why they made a big deal about it, San Antone is full of allot of over weight Mexicans, my self included. So they hype it up to get people out there.

So I'm there stretching out and all I see are white people. LOL go figure. Anyway I start the trail on the starting point, for those that don't know its the mile marker that reads .o miles. As the trail begins I am quickly reminded why I stopped running hiking trails, it is freaking painful! Its called a hiking trail for a reason. The trail begins with an asphalt paved trail, like a reassurance that its gonna be ok. They don't tell you about the jagged uneven terrain that San Antone is known for, hills that look like a mile long and slopes that drop off after you endure a painful trek up hill. And just when you think you should just turn back at half a mile the trail is paved again. They mind fuck you with that cause half a mile later it gets worse! At this point I should have just turned around. But I suck it up and complete it. I'm dying of pure exhaustion, you see, it wouldn't have been so bad but the trail is enclosed in a canopy of mesquite trees and brush so there is not wind at all. So if feels like your in a baking oven.

I dive onto the nice dirt and I'm on all fours dry heaving, which made me look like a dry humping dog making a few gag like gestures that would indicate one is about to throw up breakfast when I hear. "Are you okay?!" I turn to look in the direction trying not to be embarrassed and there she stood 5 foot 8 thin, beautiful, support bra and tight workout shorts but...blonde. "Shit" I was thinking myself this should be interesting.

Not that I have a problem with blondes I just have bad luck with white people in San Antonio. They often and I mean very often offend the hell out of me. They are so use to being around Mexicans and their Mexican friends that they say stupid shit. In Houston white people understand that just because they have a Mexican friend doesn't mean they can joke with every Mexican like that. Granted I should be use to it by now right Jake.... Anyway, I respond "yea I'm fine I just pushed myself today is all, but thank you for your concern."
"how many times did you go around?" she said.
What how many times did I go around!? I was thinking to myself, uh once! but instead what do I say " 3 times."
At this point you can tell by the expression on her face she was caught in between saying bullshit with a laugh or wow. So i quickly respond with a laugh and say i'm just kidding, once but it felt like i went around 3 times.

She busted out laughing, which proved she wanted to call bullshit. She was like "I was gonna say i lapped you twice!" I didn't even notice that's how spaced out I was trying to finish the fucked up trail.

So we get to talking while we have our post workout stretch, I show her a couple of different ways to stretch out different areas of one muscle. We talk about life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. All that bullshit. The hole time not one offensive mexican joke came out her mouth. I was impressed and relieved. Then she asks me what my last name was, so I tell her. And this look took hold of her face like are you serious followed by "and your first name is Jacob." Uh yeah, this dumb bitch busted out with "wow, are you a Mexican Jew or did you mom just marry a Mexican?"

Now as all of you know I was about to unleash the inner asshole, but I couldn't help trying to figure out her way of thinking or what the fuck was she thinking frame of mind. I have been called many things in my life time but this one took the cake. I had no words, just an expression of "are you fucking kidding me?" Instead I tell her no, that My great grandmother left Mexico to visit the holy land and was so taken back by the Jewish faith that she converted to Judaism and decided to make it her home. During WWII she was raped by a Nazi who converted to Judaism after the attack because he felt that it was the only way he could be forgiven by god. That his catholic savior would not forgive him because he raped a Jewish woman and thus must ask for forgiveness from their God. He got her out of Europe and they settled in Texas but because of the hatred towards Jews and Germans at the time he changed his name to Juan Diaz Davila to blend in with the migrant workers! Then I tell her that she was very impressive that she was able to spot that out!

I was waiting for her response boy was I waiting for it. Then she slowly opened her mouth and busted out in uncontrollable laughter. She was like you almost got me on that one, you look nothing like you came from German descent. Turns out she is Jewish and marrying a Mexican next week.

Never no who you're gonna meet these days. I came home, took a shower and wondered what would have happened had I gone offended angry Mexican route....glad I was thinking today!

Monday, August 3, 2009

An End to a bad day!

Anyway I have been in a shitty mood today. Cant understand why? Could have been the day of drinking on sat. SO, I decided to watch some porn. You know it usually cheers me up. The only problem I have is that all the good stuff is back in san antonio, hidden in a labyrinth of password protected folders. If I could I would have voice recognition software just to protect my porn from female judging eyes! What a man would do to hide his porn. I know that married guys get busted all the time but all it takes is that one time to get busted and its usually the type of porn that has a couple of animals, huge contraptions with 50 inch dildos attached to them, ramming every orifice that is available. Maybe some midgets in the mix somewhere, anyway you get the point.

So In the quest to find some porn, I come across the site that offers free downloads, and what would you know it had porn on it too. Now before those eyes start to judge...what would you expect me to do? That's right I clicked and downloaded everything that showed up on the screen. I felt like a fat kid in a free candy store! just grabbing stuff I know I probably wouldn't like!

Now I have to warn you about these downloads just because it is titled "hot babe with huge jugs"
does not mean it is exactly that!! I was anticipating the first down load and watching as the file completion percentage was increasing...98%, 99%....100% YAHHOOO Then, the magic words pop on the screen your download is complete!! Now you go thru a little ritual of watching porn, I know everyone has one, but I will share with you mine!!! well, my parents are in the next room ritual. Carefully take a stroll through the house so that I know if anyone is home and what they are doing so that I know they are heavily distracted doing something else. Then I gently close my door and lock it. As to not make that much of a sound. Then I pull up my media player and check the sound adjustments

So that when the entertainment begins, "fuck that pussy" is not blaring over and under the door to were your parents can hear it. Then I make sure I select play with media player because real player has horrible quality. I move the mouse every so gently to the file and click play, my heart skips a soft beat as I'm thinking my parents are in the next room I cant believe that i am doing this.

The title appears and you carefully place the mouse cursor over the volume control and lean in the direction of the speaker and BAAAMMMMM!!!!! Two huge fat chicks pop up on the screen in what can only be described as a murder suicide live feed!!! At this point and time I'm thinking to myself turn this shit off. But the curiosity just gets overwhelming and then you move your cursor and slide it across the bottom to fast forward. Fuck they got me. I will spare you the details.

But then the inner rage took hold of my mind. Who in the hell plays a fucked up prank like that! If i have anything remotely close on my computer to what i had just witnessed it would be titled "killer whales mate with a blue marlin!!" You could not see this guy he was about 16o and the beasts where well over a deuce and a half. You saw his feet hanging at the edge of the bed as one rode him and the other on his face. Horrible just horrible. The guy that ruined my last hope of cheerfulness eye fucked me so hard I had post traumatic blindness! It's a wonder I am able to type this post!

Going back to this dickhead. I really want to know who this guy is? Does he have friends? If you dig the biguns I can handle that, esp if you can, but, to title this mpeg with the thoughts of opening and viewing something magical is beyond a sick joke. Its a sick individual that is capable of ruining the last part of my day!

So I downloaded more, hey, you cant let one idiot ruin it for you right. It doesn't mean that everyone on the internet is as demented as this guy. So I downloaded and open another my surprise I watched two black midgets dressed in a diapers and baby bonnets humping the shit out of a six foot thin hot blond. Now I had to watch this shit....but that's another story. guess I didn't learn my lesson. But then again I wasn't thinking!!

Houston Baby Houston!

Houston is where the heart is but SA is where I belong! I had a good weekend drank a little too much talked a little to much shit.

Friday did a good deed and was repaid by a couple of phone calls from two particular women I thought i had lost. Saturday i went to only the best Baby shower ever!!!!!! Ice cold beer and plenty of good friends to drink it with. All these years I'm thinking a baby shower is a bunch of women playing games with the pregnant woman. One in particular comes to mind. Its where the woman takes a banana holds in between her legs while walking to a jar about 5 feet away and attempts to drop it in the jar by positioning herself over the empty jar and opening her legs.

As I glanced around the party in a drunken gaze, I saw married couples and couples and i starting to wonder where all the good pussy has gone. Apparently I haven't had any since I am still single or not married. I believe that it has become my personal duty to sniff one out, slay it and mount it on my mantle so that one day I can tell my grand kids, that particular piece was the last of the greats and your grand papi had it. Of course when they ask what ever happened to her I probably will say something like kids let me tell you a little story.

I met her in ought 9, it was a grand year that year. The first time a black man became president. I turned 30, your grandmother had just gotten off work from the jaded palace in san antone. What's that you ask little Peter. Its were men go and give these green pieces of paper with numbers on them, the higher the number the more she falls in love with you! Just about that time a harmonious song comes on to the loud speakers and she rubbs her body on you like a mechanical bull. They dont have them anymore, President Hillary Clinton outlawed those places 8 years after the herpes virus became airborn!

Anyway Peter North Jeremy Davila III, I was on my way to this place that gives you a massage, its a place where you go in and a woman comes out and touches you in places that make you really happy to be alive. The price is pretty expensive but its the same as taking a date on the night of the town and dropp her off and go home and take a long shower. Except when you come home from this place you take a hot shower for different reasons.

Any way I walk in and took off my clothes with a wad of green papper tucked in my sock. and wait for this lady to come in. To my surprise it was not a place that I thought it was. She became outraged when I asked her to touch grandpappi's smoking pipe! I apologized explained that this was just a big misunderstanding. It was a prank I was doing for school. I wound up giving her my business card, we talked over lunch, and thats her piece sitting on that mantle. What happened you asked.

I thought it was the best piece ever so I married it, then years later it changed on me. Became very cold to the touch, its stopped purring with extasy, and took all my money and left me broke. But I still have the trophy! To prove that ther might be another one out there. What little Ron Jeremy Davila II, no, grandma wasnt it. But it is her sister! ooouuuchhhhhh

Just off the wall stuff i was really thinking!!!