Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I've gone and done it NOW!

I've been getting back into working out, I've never really stopped over the past three years, but, then again I never really changed my life style to maximize and benefit from the cardio and weight training I was doing. After the my birthday I decided I needed to live healthier, so I can see my Goddaughter and her little sisters grow old and become doctors, lawyers, vets, have kids, or whatever makes them happy.  Really, I want to be in peak physical condition so I can beat the shit out of the young studs they're gonna be dating in the near future, I know their daddy can handle it, but every batman needs a robin! 

Taking the advice from a bestfriend of mine, I started to work out just before the sun comes out.  It took me a month to accomplish that task. Since the only thing I get up for that early in the morning is fishing, golfing, and the occasional Texan tailgate. I have had many a day when thats the time I finally stop partying but waking up to a brutal workout...thought never crossed my mind.  One particular morning I took a detour off my usual route and passed by a jiu jitsu gym. In my teens and early twenties, I took kung fu, boxing and dabled a little in jiu jitsu and judo. Thats right before UFC blew up.  But, I was more intreseted in being twenty one and chasing tail.

If any of you don't know, some, not all of these gyms open up about four in the morning or a little after.  And the doors are always locked. This is were the club fighters come in and train. Some training to become pro and some professional. They get there and come in before classes start for regualar joes that watched a UFC fight a couple of weeks before and wanted to get in on the latest craze.  Although, most of them will go to an academy that says MMA(mixed martial arts) on the front of the Gym, some do wander in places like the one I showed up to take a look, but, this particual one trains in one area only, jiu jitsu.  After a couple of weeks the regular joes get bored because they want to learn how to fight like the guys on tv then quit. Cause they realize, take downs are they key, while body postions are the ultimate goal in jiu jitsu, they quickly learn that  punches or what UFC anouncers call ground and pound hardly ever take place. The instructors really dislike people like that, but money is money and times are tough.

I tried for the door and it was open. My heart skipped a beat, I walked in so that I could watch a little sparring session. If you never seen some of these guys train its almost better that an actual fight. You get to see first hand how the moves are done in slow motion and then repeated in lighting fast speed. If one happens to be a challenger and thinks he can take out the champ of that academy, you talk about an intense battle of control.  Sometimes the challenger will not tap and thats when, arms, legs, and joints will pop and snap. But this is amercia not brazil. I heard stories of Gracie fighting camps, that in order to join you have to fight that same the day you want to sign up, and it always ends in something of yours getting broken, there is no such thing as a tap out down there.  

Anyway, I watched a little and then decided to head back out, the coaches that were yelling at the fighters  were starting to give me an evil look, hell, I know when I'm being sized up, and I also know what an ass whooping feels like, and I wanted nothing of the sort that morning. I reach for the door and I hear "hey big guy!" shit I thought, should I just pretend like I didnt hear that and start running or respond. That little dare devil voice spoke up and said fuck it. I turned around and answered "what's up" in no way was I going to go into explaing what I was doing there, at least not at this point.  I wasn't asked a direct question to begin with anyway.  "Can I help you something?" he said in an arrogant tone.
"Nah, I was just passing by and thought I might get a chance to watch some great sparring sessions." I replied, hating the fact that I put myself in this mess. With these guys I know too well it can go either way. Had they been american dudes, I wouldnt have worried so much, but these guys were brazilian. Not that its a bad thing but they will test you to see what kind of metal you got between your legs.

"You fight?!" he asked with a grin on his face. "Nah, like I said, I just wanted to see a sparring session."
"well, make yourself comfortable  its going to get exciting, then he moitioned to one of the fighters and yelled something in portugeues, what ever it was it wasnt good, the guy took off in a huried trot to the back room then to front door and locked it. At that point a bead of sweat dripped slowly off my nuts as the shrank up into my stomach. Im fucked now I thought, better not show an ounce of fear or your definatley gonna be fucked with, and don't kiss ass, but be respectful. My dads words and advice taking over. To my surpirse I was in for a treat, great fighing was taking place. And I was left alone to be a grateful spectator.  I was careful not to let out any type of satisfaction or excitment when one guy got the best of the other. Cause they do hate that.

At the end the guy comes over and asked what I thought.  I thought it was great, instead, I told him it was exciting to watch the small guy (6 foot 1) take on the big guy (6 foot 3) and thanked him for letting me in his gym to watch. "Watch?!" he said with a cocky smile.  "That was my sales pitch, spectators are not allowed in here. "See that guy" he pointed to the big guy(6"3 and 235lbs) solid muscle and fast. "Yea" I said, "he's pretty good." knowing damn well that guy was a machine. He goes on to tell me that he out weighs everyone here, and is his only heavywieght. Which is a problem cause he has no one to spar and train with, and asked if I wanted to join.  It was easy to see, the smaller guy gave him no real comeption and it wasnt cause he was good, just outwieghed. Without hesitation I tell him that I was not intrested, what I didnt tell him was I was not intrested in messing with that fucking animal, got someone in the 200 range maybe someone thats a pussy or rookie.  We go into specifics, I tell him I dont have money to spend on a member ship and I have no medical insurance. Done deal he said, "i'll waive the fee and you can train for free, but, you have to be here at 5 am 3 days a week to train with that guy( i cant use real names so im just gonna call him "the machine"). 

At this point all my excuses had been exhausted and matched by this guy, and the only thing left was for me to say I'm a big pussy and want nothing to do with this.  I couldn't say that I was a pussy...cause I'm not, but, waking up 5 am to be a punching bag for a trained and skilled fighter 3 days a week. Im not fucking crazy. The dare devil voice spoke to my macho ego then forced my mouth open and said "fuck it, that guy needs to get at least one good ass whooping before a pro fight, and it might as well be me, at least it wont affect his pro record."  The guy laughed and shocked that I had said that infornt of his fighter and asked "how you plan to take him down." I looked at him with a serious look and said " if my elephant gun wasn't so damn heavy to carry around I'd use that, but, a quick shot to the nuts would be just effective."
"and if that doesnt work" said the machine.  "well, depends on how fast you run doesn't it!?" I was careful to not get carried away with the shit talking.

They both laughed and told me that they had a feeling they were going to like me. They liked that I wasnt scarred of shit, but, quickly said it was because I didnt know what I was getting myself into. Little did they know that I had some martial arts training as well as boxing. But, i didnt tell them that just yet. Everyone says they do, then have to turn aroud and take their foot out their mouth or ass, which ever came first, and I was just gonna let my body do the talking.  I signed my life away on waivers and agreed that after a month of training I would become this guys beating toy.

I was weighed and measured, I was nervous to hit the scales, last time I got on one i didnt like what it told me. I looked down at the number and read 275. The machine got on and it read 250. He may have had me by 4 inches in height, but, I got him by 25 lbs. Though my body isn't anywhere cut up like his is. But Im solid, so I felt good. We move on to see how many pushup I could do after they found out I wieghed more than what I looked. They said I looked like I was in the 240 to 250 range. It was a good thing, I got away from the weights and been doing pushups. I hit 50 non stop, the most I had ever done in a row, the adrenaline was kicking in, and the urge to show I was strong and not some lazy fat ass willed me to do more, but I was told to stop and it couldn't come sooner, I felt light headed and was about to pass out. Then we moved on to what they called a dead man something or other, couldn't really tell with the accent these guys have but I was like what the fuck is that.  I knew these guys were gonna fuck me up sooner or later just not this soon.  But to my surprise, its just letting your body limp and the other guy dragging you around then eventually picking you up over his shoulder using no particular technique. I dont want to toot my own horn, but, TOOOT TOOOT. The machine had a hard time throwing my ass around, but when my turn was up, I had no problem. This is where I would like to think all the fat girls in my past, without letting me throw you around naked and drunk, i would not be the man I am today. So, thankyou, again.

They finally let me go after some more casual talk and getting to know each other.  I walked back to my apartment, and couldnt help but think, what the hell did I just get myself into. Peer pressure is a mother fucker.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Reading Rainbow for Adults!

Tropical Storm Hermine landed and passed.  Nothing serious, but, it was enough to close down many roads in San Antonio for a few days due to the rising creeks, and trust me there are a shit load. So stuck in the apartment for two days I deccided to pick up a few books my roomate had around. I managed to read three in two days, they where not books I would normally read, but I recently went to half price books and sold back all the books I had aquired over the years. Had I not done that, I probably would have reread a couple of them and retained the little intelligence I thought I had.

For the first time since grade school I read a book with pictures in them. No, they weren't Cat in the Hat or The Velveteen Rabbit, they were autobiographies about a football team in Texas, Jenna Jameson, and Tommy Lee. Friday Night Lights was one that I really enjoyed, it talked mainly about the racial divide in a rural Texas town in the eighties. Its plot was loosely set on Friday night football and the amazing things it can do for a poor and economically stresssed town, but, it quickly took a detour and wrote in detail about the flawed educational system, the oil idustry; its bloom and bust, and rivalries between two neighboring towns that caused them to maliciously hurt each other rather then unite and become a stronger community.

I have to admit I was hopeing to read more about teen drama, and sexual drunkin stories, but there wasnt any stories recanting the sexual experiences involving a football star named Bobby Ray with the captin of the cheer squard Betty Jean underneath the bleachers. I finished the book and moved into something that would give me what I really wanted.  A story with juice, drama, and sexual deviency. Jenna Jameson's. How to make Love like a Porn Star. A cautionary tale.

Nope, 500 pages later, most of which where pictures, the book should have been written in crayola. This book is a good read for strippers, pornstars, and any young woman out their looking to break into the mutimillion dollar sex industry. As well as any sexual repressed women looking to live bicariously through a "respectable" whore...uh, I mean a "sexualy enlightened" woman using her sexuality as a tool to give herself a sense of empowerment. A how to manual if you will, followed by small stories of sex, drug abuse and teen agnst.  It was one of New york Times best Sellers, after I finished the book  I couldnt help but think "damn, theres allot of fucking strippers and porn stars in the world as well as those formentioned, either way theres a shit load out there!"

But it did give insight to how "strippers" are just like ordinary good church going folks, looking to get ahead in life.(If you didn't get my sarcasim then please stop reading.)  I know what I was reading and who it was written by, I will say, I have never been a fan of her on camera, and have never wanked to her. Thankgod, because that would have made my reading expericene much more uncomfortable. She glorified stripping and porn so much it turned me off to the whole idea, here I was jerking off to women who I thought were just dirty whores when in fact there where just hard working women like my grandmother. I havent watched porn sense, but I see what you did Jenna, you made me see that women are not just lustful objects to drool or fantasize over, rather women exploiting the immature mentality of grown men with an apetite for things that could never obtain. Im not a fan of strip clubs to begin with anyway, but, I will never step foot into one now. I have never purchased a porn DVD but when I do, I will make sure the movie was produced and sold by companies that do not exploit their "actresses" and show utmost respect for them regardless of how many men dump cum on their face or breasts. To all the men that think strippers like them, I advise you head over to the nearst bookstore or an online site and buy a used copy of this how to book. It will change your mind about serval myths and taboo's within the sex industry, granted it is just a ploy to take your hard earn dollars ,but, it will also open your eyes in ways you couldn't pathom. If you like not knowing then I'd advise to not read this book. If your wife or girlfriend want to read this book by all means buy it for them. She might be inspired to do that dirty thing you fantasie about so much.

 Over all this book was good, but, it didnt not staisfy the jucie I was looking for, I moved over to Tommy Lee's book.  The cover was the least attractive of the other two books but to my surprise, He gave me what I was looking for.  The guy really surprised the shit out of me with that one.  It was funny and full of good stories. He didnt glorify his life or make it out to be the best ever, or try to persuade you to be a drummer or rock and roll stud.  He didnt rant and rave about the system he was a slave to or regret that he choose to be a slave to the system like the other books.  I laughed and enjoyed his tales,I didn't put the book down enlightend, but I didn't expect to from this author, but, I walked away knowledgeable about several things.  All men do see their penis as a human being and often talk to it in private( I thought I was the only one), stay away from drugs,  a threesome with two chicks is overrated and should be done as a foursome with three chicks. Football jocks are just large pieces of meat used to benefit coaches, school districrts and cheerleaders, and pornstars and strippers are just there for the enterainment of the rich and famous.

After reading these books, I know someday I would eventually be more knowledgeable and wiser, someday, but today I realized yet again what was I thinking judging a book by its cover.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Knight In dull armor!

It has been an eventful week. Disturbed and crazy? No. But, I felt as though I was a clumsy hopeless romantic character in a film played by Cameron Diaz, or Kevin James' character in Hitch. Lets start with Monday, after the 31st birthday I decided to settle down a little bit. I said a little, not marriage or girlfriend. But, slow up in the booze department and late nights and focus more on health and meaningful sex, by meaningful, I mean remembering the first and asking for the last name and hopefully waking up with a smile instead of wanting to gnaw my arm off at the elbow joint to escape that embarrassing morning after sex. So, this particular Monday I strolled over to my apartment complex gym to do a little stationary biking. In order to get to the gym you have to enter in through the pool which is not a bad route by any means. There is always women  tanning and always in the smallest swim wear known to man. Since I have become a regular at the gym, I have met quite a few friendly faces.  Nothing extreme just a simple friendly smile followed by a shy hello. This day I strolled around the pool with my head held high, shoulders back, and gut sucked in, trying to give myself a slimmer profile and that's when I saw my little friend, crying while talking on the phone. Judging from the tears, expressions, and tone of her voice it was definitely a boyfriend or soon to be ex.

I finished my 2 minute workout which seemed to never end and pretended to stretch the muscles  that I felt were about to rip off the bone. A half bend at the waist and a slight touch of the toe which was accomplished by forcing my longest finger to stretch as far as it could  and with the help raising my toe, the toe touch was accomplished and my cool down was complete! I exit the gym exhausted and my little friend is still there.  During those 2 minutes of hell I was thinking about my last relationship and how hard the break up was. Good thing I had very good friends to support me and get shit faced with then have the patience or the ability to block out my drunken rants of anger. After studying her tight body very carefully, I noticed she was drinking alone, everyone knows if you have friends and your going through a breakup one of your friends will be there.  But none where in sight.  So, as I passed  her trying not to breath like a fat boy running for a snack.  I said hi and asked if she was ok. She nodded yes then with a look of confusion she started to tear up again.  At that point I knew I would be there for awhile, I asked if she wanted to talk about it.

To my surprise she holds nothing back, she moved form another city to San Antone, lives  alone, he lives with his cousin on the northeast side of town and she caught her boyfriend of four years cheating on her during a pregnancy scare, her parents hate him but she loves him. She caught him twice before cheating on her, and now she was fed up with it, she was going to break her lease and move back where she came from the next day. She asked my view point and why he did what he did, and a simple "he's just an asshole that's all" was uttered from my mouth which was dying for some fucking water.

I then start making jokes, trying to make this pretty girl laugh was my only goal at this point, any advice given to her would not only fall on deaf ears,but, I didn't want to come across as a guy she can vent to, I wanted to be the guy that she can have Mandingo sex with to help her move on from this tragic relationship!
So, I stared to ask silly questions about there time together and spinned it into sexual jokes. Granted I had to put myself down and use me as the joke to not come across like a sex crazed man. And to my surprise it was actually working.

The conversation went into me telling her with a laugh to signal that  I was about to be full of shit. "you know what you should do? go out there and have a couple of strange one night hookups, cause you know the first guy that gives you the pipe you' re gonna be thinking about the ex,not that its a bad thing  but sex with a new person can be disappointing and uneventful.  thus, ruining the whole experience. Your gonna feel guilty like you cheated on your boyfriend, its going to be uncomfortable and you might think you did something really slutty and whore like" Which you did, but, but I don't judge and there is no need to feel bad for thinking about the ex. right?" A look of concern washed up across her eyes and at that point i felt that I had gone just a little too far. She then says with a sneaky smile" so what are you volunteering?"

Quick to be witty I chuckled and said " why would I want a woman I'm having sex with be thinking about anyone else besides me? Do I look crazy to you"  I said  as I threw my head back with a big laugh. At that point her phone rang, by the look on her face I could tell that it was him ,so, I excused myself before she answered, and we said our good byes.  As I approached the gate to leave the pool area I felt really good about making her laugh and lending my ear, and I actually listened, about 50 feet after the gate, I could not help but laugh at what the fuck just happened. An open invitation to stranger sex and I freaking tanked it. Maybe not an open invitation cause god doesn't like me that much to place a gorgeous woman at my feet like that. But, at least a feeble attempt to answer yes would have been better than my original reply.  I should have replied "hell yea I'm volunteering, I love charity work and giving of myself to help the needs of others. and if she asked "are you serious" I would have answered with"  what? why would it bother me, What ever it takes for you to bust a nut would  not only make my job easier, but, I would  feel like I did something to help  you  in your grieving process, what kind of man would  I be not helipng a  woman in need, her "Knight in Shining Armor" if you will. Then I would have picked her up in my arms and ran to the closest aprtment! I  may have been exhausted from my 2 minute workout, but I would have had to dig deep to find an extra burst of energy before she changed her mind!

My man card has been suspended quite a few times over the years and always based on taking the wrong woman home or by not living by the man code. Yes ladies it is not a myth we actually have rules we live by, granted some are more stupid than others but what can ya do. But, this is the first time I will have my man card taken away and it was very well deserved.

After telling my experience on Monday, I hope she doesnt think I was a really "nice" guy!