My eyes open about 6:30 this morining to the sound of two mating cats. Now if anyone has heard this strange encounter one knows that not only is it a not pleasant sound, but definetly not a sound you would like to hear at that time of the morning. So I go through my morning ritual. Make breakfast, brew some coffee watch some news, get depressed turn it to sports center get tired of listening about Michael Vick. Read a few pages out of this book title "Diamond Age". Think about rubbing one out but it wasn't even noon yet so I decide to workout.
I head out to this new hiking trail that opened up a couple of weeks ago. San Antonio has nothing exciting going on unless its a mother who eats her newborn baby, you see its either nothing of something fucking extreme. Just like my life. Anyway the news made a big deal about this new 2.3 mile hiking trail in the medical center, had bands playing, the mayor ran it, high school cheerleaders. I can see why they made a big deal about it, San Antone is full of allot of over weight Mexicans, my self included. So they hype it up to get people out there.
So I'm there stretching out and all I see are white people. LOL go figure. Anyway I start the trail on the starting point, for those that don't know its the mile marker that reads .o miles. As the trail begins I am quickly reminded why I stopped running hiking trails, it is freaking painful! Its called a hiking trail for a reason. The trail begins with an asphalt paved trail, like a reassurance that its gonna be ok. They don't tell you about the jagged uneven terrain that San Antone is known for, hills that look like a mile long and slopes that drop off after you endure a painful trek up hill. And just when you think you should just turn back at half a mile the trail is paved again. They mind fuck you with that cause half a mile later it gets worse! At this point I should have just turned around. But I suck it up and complete it. I'm dying of pure exhaustion, you see, it wouldn't have been so bad but the trail is enclosed in a canopy of mesquite trees and brush so there is not wind at all. So if feels like your in a baking oven.
I dive onto the nice dirt and I'm on all fours dry heaving, which made me look like a dry humping dog making a few gag like gestures that would indicate one is about to throw up breakfast when I hear. "Are you okay?!" I turn to look in the direction trying not to be embarrassed and there she stood 5 foot 8 thin, beautiful, support bra and tight workout shorts but...blonde. "Shit" I was thinking myself this should be interesting.
Not that I have a problem with blondes I just have bad luck with white people in San Antonio. They often and I mean very often offend the hell out of me. They are so use to being around Mexicans and their Mexican friends that they say stupid shit. In Houston white people understand that just because they have a Mexican friend doesn't mean they can joke with every Mexican like that. Granted I should be use to it by now right Jake.... Anyway, I respond "yea I'm fine I just pushed myself today is all, but thank you for your concern."
"how many times did you go around?" she said.
What how many times did I go around!? I was thinking to myself, uh once! but instead what do I say " 3 times."
At this point you can tell by the expression on her face she was caught in between saying bullshit with a laugh or wow. So i quickly respond with a laugh and say i'm just kidding, once but it felt like i went around 3 times.
She busted out laughing, which proved she wanted to call bullshit. She was like "I was gonna say i lapped you twice!" I didn't even notice that's how spaced out I was trying to finish the fucked up trail.
So we get to talking while we have our post workout stretch, I show her a couple of different ways to stretch out different areas of one muscle. We talk about life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. All that bullshit. The hole time not one offensive mexican joke came out her mouth. I was impressed and relieved. Then she asks me what my last name was, so I tell her. And this look took hold of her face like are you serious followed by "and your first name is Jacob." Uh yeah, this dumb bitch busted out with "wow, are you a Mexican Jew or did you mom just marry a Mexican?"
Now as all of you know I was about to unleash the inner asshole, but I couldn't help trying to figure out her way of thinking or what the fuck was she thinking frame of mind. I have been called many things in my life time but this one took the cake. I had no words, just an expression of "are you fucking kidding me?" Instead I tell her no, that My great grandmother left Mexico to visit the holy land and was so taken back by the Jewish faith that she converted to Judaism and decided to make it her home. During WWII she was raped by a Nazi who converted to Judaism after the attack because he felt that it was the only way he could be forgiven by god. That his catholic savior would not forgive him because he raped a Jewish woman and thus must ask for forgiveness from their God. He got her out of Europe and they settled in Texas but because of the hatred towards Jews and Germans at the time he changed his name to Juan Diaz Davila to blend in with the migrant workers! Then I tell her that she was very impressive that she was able to spot that out!
I was waiting for her response boy was I waiting for it. Then she slowly opened her mouth and busted out in uncontrollable laughter. She was like you almost got me on that one, you look nothing like you came from German descent. Turns out she is Jewish and marrying a Mexican next week.
Never no who you're gonna meet these days. I came home, took a shower and wondered what would have happened had I gone offended angry Mexican route....glad I was thinking today!