Wednesday, January 19, 2011

If I had a dog

Honestly people I would have been updating more but my laptop caught a virus from all the porn my dog downloaded. Fuckin Carlos, yea that is his name. His full name is Carlos Paulino Sanchez Dezavala. I didnt know that you could give dogs names like that and they actually give them a birth certificate with the name you give him. So I'm like fuck it. His is a pure bred lab, which makes him a "white" dog, since we as a society thinks mexican dogs are those little anoying things that come from a certain province of mexico. But his real breed is a choclate lab or cheasapeak bay retriever. Anyway, I'm teaching carlos how to speak spanish, so all my comands I've been teaching him are done in spanish. So now the fucker thinks he is mexican, and I found this out by all the porn he down loaded on my laptop. Rucas Dog park #85. I've learned that after he has had a few bowls of budlight, he picks fights at the dog park,he's become a big fan of soccer, tripa tacos, Vicente Fernandez and instead of barking he yells gritos. So I stareted to get worried that I turned him into more of a mexican than me, so now I try to break his habits, but he is rebelling. Instead of tacos his diet consists of turkey club sandwiches and veggies,he didnt mind the turkey club, but, the veggies he took a dump on literally. I switched him to guiness and he doesn't mind, but ,he is starting to hangout with irsih setters, and the irish are just as much of drunks than mexicans. So, I switched him to a jamacian lager and I wouldn' be damned if I  caught him smoking a fatty on the back patio. I switched him to oduls and the son of bitch tried to shank me when I got home he almost shanked me. He managed to take a spork from taco bell and file it down into a prison knife. We fist fought for a little bit and then he took off. He's back now and had to take him to the vet cause he caught a VD from some hoes from the west side.  I've bailed him out of the pound a few times already I told him I couldnt be doing this anymore but he just cut a fart and shot me the bird. I'm sending him to a dog barking speacialist to try to get rid of his accent, it only comes out when he's wasted and barking but, I got a feeling the white nieghbors will call the cops soon.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I've gone and done it NOW!

I've been getting back into working out, I've never really stopped over the past three years, but, then again I never really changed my life style to maximize and benefit from the cardio and weight training I was doing. After the my birthday I decided I needed to live healthier, so I can see my Goddaughter and her little sisters grow old and become doctors, lawyers, vets, have kids, or whatever makes them happy.  Really, I want to be in peak physical condition so I can beat the shit out of the young studs they're gonna be dating in the near future, I know their daddy can handle it, but every batman needs a robin! 

Taking the advice from a bestfriend of mine, I started to work out just before the sun comes out.  It took me a month to accomplish that task. Since the only thing I get up for that early in the morning is fishing, golfing, and the occasional Texan tailgate. I have had many a day when thats the time I finally stop partying but waking up to a brutal workout...thought never crossed my mind.  One particular morning I took a detour off my usual route and passed by a jiu jitsu gym. In my teens and early twenties, I took kung fu, boxing and dabled a little in jiu jitsu and judo. Thats right before UFC blew up.  But, I was more intreseted in being twenty one and chasing tail.

If any of you don't know, some, not all of these gyms open up about four in the morning or a little after.  And the doors are always locked. This is were the club fighters come in and train. Some training to become pro and some professional. They get there and come in before classes start for regualar joes that watched a UFC fight a couple of weeks before and wanted to get in on the latest craze.  Although, most of them will go to an academy that says MMA(mixed martial arts) on the front of the Gym, some do wander in places like the one I showed up to take a look, but, this particual one trains in one area only, jiu jitsu.  After a couple of weeks the regular joes get bored because they want to learn how to fight like the guys on tv then quit. Cause they realize, take downs are they key, while body postions are the ultimate goal in jiu jitsu, they quickly learn that  punches or what UFC anouncers call ground and pound hardly ever take place. The instructors really dislike people like that, but money is money and times are tough.

I tried for the door and it was open. My heart skipped a beat, I walked in so that I could watch a little sparring session. If you never seen some of these guys train its almost better that an actual fight. You get to see first hand how the moves are done in slow motion and then repeated in lighting fast speed. If one happens to be a challenger and thinks he can take out the champ of that academy, you talk about an intense battle of control.  Sometimes the challenger will not tap and thats when, arms, legs, and joints will pop and snap. But this is amercia not brazil. I heard stories of Gracie fighting camps, that in order to join you have to fight that same the day you want to sign up, and it always ends in something of yours getting broken, there is no such thing as a tap out down there.  

Anyway, I watched a little and then decided to head back out, the coaches that were yelling at the fighters  were starting to give me an evil look, hell, I know when I'm being sized up, and I also know what an ass whooping feels like, and I wanted nothing of the sort that morning. I reach for the door and I hear "hey big guy!" shit I thought, should I just pretend like I didnt hear that and start running or respond. That little dare devil voice spoke up and said fuck it. I turned around and answered "what's up" in no way was I going to go into explaing what I was doing there, at least not at this point.  I wasn't asked a direct question to begin with anyway.  "Can I help you something?" he said in an arrogant tone.
"Nah, I was just passing by and thought I might get a chance to watch some great sparring sessions." I replied, hating the fact that I put myself in this mess. With these guys I know too well it can go either way. Had they been american dudes, I wouldnt have worried so much, but these guys were brazilian. Not that its a bad thing but they will test you to see what kind of metal you got between your legs.

"You fight?!" he asked with a grin on his face. "Nah, like I said, I just wanted to see a sparring session."
"well, make yourself comfortable  its going to get exciting, then he moitioned to one of the fighters and yelled something in portugeues, what ever it was it wasnt good, the guy took off in a huried trot to the back room then to front door and locked it. At that point a bead of sweat dripped slowly off my nuts as the shrank up into my stomach. Im fucked now I thought, better not show an ounce of fear or your definatley gonna be fucked with, and don't kiss ass, but be respectful. My dads words and advice taking over. To my surpirse I was in for a treat, great fighing was taking place. And I was left alone to be a grateful spectator.  I was careful not to let out any type of satisfaction or excitment when one guy got the best of the other. Cause they do hate that.

At the end the guy comes over and asked what I thought.  I thought it was great, instead, I told him it was exciting to watch the small guy (6 foot 1) take on the big guy (6 foot 3) and thanked him for letting me in his gym to watch. "Watch?!" he said with a cocky smile.  "That was my sales pitch, spectators are not allowed in here. "See that guy" he pointed to the big guy(6"3 and 235lbs) solid muscle and fast. "Yea" I said, "he's pretty good." knowing damn well that guy was a machine. He goes on to tell me that he out weighs everyone here, and is his only heavywieght. Which is a problem cause he has no one to spar and train with, and asked if I wanted to join.  It was easy to see, the smaller guy gave him no real comeption and it wasnt cause he was good, just outwieghed. Without hesitation I tell him that I was not intrested, what I didnt tell him was I was not intrested in messing with that fucking animal, got someone in the 200 range maybe someone thats a pussy or rookie.  We go into specifics, I tell him I dont have money to spend on a member ship and I have no medical insurance. Done deal he said, "i'll waive the fee and you can train for free, but, you have to be here at 5 am 3 days a week to train with that guy( i cant use real names so im just gonna call him "the machine"). 

At this point all my excuses had been exhausted and matched by this guy, and the only thing left was for me to say I'm a big pussy and want nothing to do with this.  I couldn't say that I was a pussy...cause I'm not, but, waking up 5 am to be a punching bag for a trained and skilled fighter 3 days a week. Im not fucking crazy. The dare devil voice spoke to my macho ego then forced my mouth open and said "fuck it, that guy needs to get at least one good ass whooping before a pro fight, and it might as well be me, at least it wont affect his pro record."  The guy laughed and shocked that I had said that infornt of his fighter and asked "how you plan to take him down." I looked at him with a serious look and said " if my elephant gun wasn't so damn heavy to carry around I'd use that, but, a quick shot to the nuts would be just effective."
"and if that doesnt work" said the machine.  "well, depends on how fast you run doesn't it!?" I was careful to not get carried away with the shit talking.

They both laughed and told me that they had a feeling they were going to like me. They liked that I wasnt scarred of shit, but, quickly said it was because I didnt know what I was getting myself into. Little did they know that I had some martial arts training as well as boxing. But, i didnt tell them that just yet. Everyone says they do, then have to turn aroud and take their foot out their mouth or ass, which ever came first, and I was just gonna let my body do the talking.  I signed my life away on waivers and agreed that after a month of training I would become this guys beating toy.

I was weighed and measured, I was nervous to hit the scales, last time I got on one i didnt like what it told me. I looked down at the number and read 275. The machine got on and it read 250. He may have had me by 4 inches in height, but, I got him by 25 lbs. Though my body isn't anywhere cut up like his is. But Im solid, so I felt good. We move on to see how many pushup I could do after they found out I wieghed more than what I looked. They said I looked like I was in the 240 to 250 range. It was a good thing, I got away from the weights and been doing pushups. I hit 50 non stop, the most I had ever done in a row, the adrenaline was kicking in, and the urge to show I was strong and not some lazy fat ass willed me to do more, but I was told to stop and it couldn't come sooner, I felt light headed and was about to pass out. Then we moved on to what they called a dead man something or other, couldn't really tell with the accent these guys have but I was like what the fuck is that.  I knew these guys were gonna fuck me up sooner or later just not this soon.  But to my surprise, its just letting your body limp and the other guy dragging you around then eventually picking you up over his shoulder using no particular technique. I dont want to toot my own horn, but, TOOOT TOOOT. The machine had a hard time throwing my ass around, but when my turn was up, I had no problem. This is where I would like to think all the fat girls in my past, without letting me throw you around naked and drunk, i would not be the man I am today. So, thankyou, again.

They finally let me go after some more casual talk and getting to know each other.  I walked back to my apartment, and couldnt help but think, what the hell did I just get myself into. Peer pressure is a mother fucker.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Reading Rainbow for Adults!

Tropical Storm Hermine landed and passed.  Nothing serious, but, it was enough to close down many roads in San Antonio for a few days due to the rising creeks, and trust me there are a shit load. So stuck in the apartment for two days I deccided to pick up a few books my roomate had around. I managed to read three in two days, they where not books I would normally read, but I recently went to half price books and sold back all the books I had aquired over the years. Had I not done that, I probably would have reread a couple of them and retained the little intelligence I thought I had.

For the first time since grade school I read a book with pictures in them. No, they weren't Cat in the Hat or The Velveteen Rabbit, they were autobiographies about a football team in Texas, Jenna Jameson, and Tommy Lee. Friday Night Lights was one that I really enjoyed, it talked mainly about the racial divide in a rural Texas town in the eighties. Its plot was loosely set on Friday night football and the amazing things it can do for a poor and economically stresssed town, but, it quickly took a detour and wrote in detail about the flawed educational system, the oil idustry; its bloom and bust, and rivalries between two neighboring towns that caused them to maliciously hurt each other rather then unite and become a stronger community.

I have to admit I was hopeing to read more about teen drama, and sexual drunkin stories, but there wasnt any stories recanting the sexual experiences involving a football star named Bobby Ray with the captin of the cheer squard Betty Jean underneath the bleachers. I finished the book and moved into something that would give me what I really wanted.  A story with juice, drama, and sexual deviency. Jenna Jameson's. How to make Love like a Porn Star. A cautionary tale.

Nope, 500 pages later, most of which where pictures, the book should have been written in crayola. This book is a good read for strippers, pornstars, and any young woman out their looking to break into the mutimillion dollar sex industry. As well as any sexual repressed women looking to live bicariously through a "respectable" whore...uh, I mean a "sexualy enlightened" woman using her sexuality as a tool to give herself a sense of empowerment. A how to manual if you will, followed by small stories of sex, drug abuse and teen agnst.  It was one of New york Times best Sellers, after I finished the book  I couldnt help but think "damn, theres allot of fucking strippers and porn stars in the world as well as those formentioned, either way theres a shit load out there!"

But it did give insight to how "strippers" are just like ordinary good church going folks, looking to get ahead in life.(If you didn't get my sarcasim then please stop reading.)  I know what I was reading and who it was written by, I will say, I have never been a fan of her on camera, and have never wanked to her. Thankgod, because that would have made my reading expericene much more uncomfortable. She glorified stripping and porn so much it turned me off to the whole idea, here I was jerking off to women who I thought were just dirty whores when in fact there where just hard working women like my grandmother. I havent watched porn sense, but I see what you did Jenna, you made me see that women are not just lustful objects to drool or fantasize over, rather women exploiting the immature mentality of grown men with an apetite for things that could never obtain. Im not a fan of strip clubs to begin with anyway, but, I will never step foot into one now. I have never purchased a porn DVD but when I do, I will make sure the movie was produced and sold by companies that do not exploit their "actresses" and show utmost respect for them regardless of how many men dump cum on their face or breasts. To all the men that think strippers like them, I advise you head over to the nearst bookstore or an online site and buy a used copy of this how to book. It will change your mind about serval myths and taboo's within the sex industry, granted it is just a ploy to take your hard earn dollars ,but, it will also open your eyes in ways you couldn't pathom. If you like not knowing then I'd advise to not read this book. If your wife or girlfriend want to read this book by all means buy it for them. She might be inspired to do that dirty thing you fantasie about so much.

 Over all this book was good, but, it didnt not staisfy the jucie I was looking for, I moved over to Tommy Lee's book.  The cover was the least attractive of the other two books but to my surprise, He gave me what I was looking for.  The guy really surprised the shit out of me with that one.  It was funny and full of good stories. He didnt glorify his life or make it out to be the best ever, or try to persuade you to be a drummer or rock and roll stud.  He didnt rant and rave about the system he was a slave to or regret that he choose to be a slave to the system like the other books.  I laughed and enjoyed his tales,I didn't put the book down enlightend, but I didn't expect to from this author, but, I walked away knowledgeable about several things.  All men do see their penis as a human being and often talk to it in private( I thought I was the only one), stay away from drugs,  a threesome with two chicks is overrated and should be done as a foursome with three chicks. Football jocks are just large pieces of meat used to benefit coaches, school districrts and cheerleaders, and pornstars and strippers are just there for the enterainment of the rich and famous.

After reading these books, I know someday I would eventually be more knowledgeable and wiser, someday, but today I realized yet again what was I thinking judging a book by its cover.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Knight In dull armor!

It has been an eventful week. Disturbed and crazy? No. But, I felt as though I was a clumsy hopeless romantic character in a film played by Cameron Diaz, or Kevin James' character in Hitch. Lets start with Monday, after the 31st birthday I decided to settle down a little bit. I said a little, not marriage or girlfriend. But, slow up in the booze department and late nights and focus more on health and meaningful sex, by meaningful, I mean remembering the first and asking for the last name and hopefully waking up with a smile instead of wanting to gnaw my arm off at the elbow joint to escape that embarrassing morning after sex. So, this particular Monday I strolled over to my apartment complex gym to do a little stationary biking. In order to get to the gym you have to enter in through the pool which is not a bad route by any means. There is always women  tanning and always in the smallest swim wear known to man. Since I have become a regular at the gym, I have met quite a few friendly faces.  Nothing extreme just a simple friendly smile followed by a shy hello. This day I strolled around the pool with my head held high, shoulders back, and gut sucked in, trying to give myself a slimmer profile and that's when I saw my little friend, crying while talking on the phone. Judging from the tears, expressions, and tone of her voice it was definitely a boyfriend or soon to be ex.

I finished my 2 minute workout which seemed to never end and pretended to stretch the muscles  that I felt were about to rip off the bone. A half bend at the waist and a slight touch of the toe which was accomplished by forcing my longest finger to stretch as far as it could  and with the help raising my toe, the toe touch was accomplished and my cool down was complete! I exit the gym exhausted and my little friend is still there.  During those 2 minutes of hell I was thinking about my last relationship and how hard the break up was. Good thing I had very good friends to support me and get shit faced with then have the patience or the ability to block out my drunken rants of anger. After studying her tight body very carefully, I noticed she was drinking alone, everyone knows if you have friends and your going through a breakup one of your friends will be there.  But none where in sight.  So, as I passed  her trying not to breath like a fat boy running for a snack.  I said hi and asked if she was ok. She nodded yes then with a look of confusion she started to tear up again.  At that point I knew I would be there for awhile, I asked if she wanted to talk about it.

To my surprise she holds nothing back, she moved form another city to San Antone, lives  alone, he lives with his cousin on the northeast side of town and she caught her boyfriend of four years cheating on her during a pregnancy scare, her parents hate him but she loves him. She caught him twice before cheating on her, and now she was fed up with it, she was going to break her lease and move back where she came from the next day. She asked my view point and why he did what he did, and a simple "he's just an asshole that's all" was uttered from my mouth which was dying for some fucking water.

I then start making jokes, trying to make this pretty girl laugh was my only goal at this point, any advice given to her would not only fall on deaf ears,but, I didn't want to come across as a guy she can vent to, I wanted to be the guy that she can have Mandingo sex with to help her move on from this tragic relationship!
So, I stared to ask silly questions about there time together and spinned it into sexual jokes. Granted I had to put myself down and use me as the joke to not come across like a sex crazed man. And to my surprise it was actually working.

The conversation went into me telling her with a laugh to signal that  I was about to be full of shit. "you know what you should do? go out there and have a couple of strange one night hookups, cause you know the first guy that gives you the pipe you' re gonna be thinking about the ex,not that its a bad thing  but sex with a new person can be disappointing and uneventful.  thus, ruining the whole experience. Your gonna feel guilty like you cheated on your boyfriend, its going to be uncomfortable and you might think you did something really slutty and whore like" Which you did, but, but I don't judge and there is no need to feel bad for thinking about the ex. right?" A look of concern washed up across her eyes and at that point i felt that I had gone just a little too far. She then says with a sneaky smile" so what are you volunteering?"

Quick to be witty I chuckled and said " why would I want a woman I'm having sex with be thinking about anyone else besides me? Do I look crazy to you"  I said  as I threw my head back with a big laugh. At that point her phone rang, by the look on her face I could tell that it was him ,so, I excused myself before she answered, and we said our good byes.  As I approached the gate to leave the pool area I felt really good about making her laugh and lending my ear, and I actually listened, about 50 feet after the gate, I could not help but laugh at what the fuck just happened. An open invitation to stranger sex and I freaking tanked it. Maybe not an open invitation cause god doesn't like me that much to place a gorgeous woman at my feet like that. But, at least a feeble attempt to answer yes would have been better than my original reply.  I should have replied "hell yea I'm volunteering, I love charity work and giving of myself to help the needs of others. and if she asked "are you serious" I would have answered with"  what? why would it bother me, What ever it takes for you to bust a nut would  not only make my job easier, but, I would  feel like I did something to help  you  in your grieving process, what kind of man would  I be not helipng a  woman in need, her "Knight in Shining Armor" if you will. Then I would have picked her up in my arms and ran to the closest aprtment! I  may have been exhausted from my 2 minute workout, but I would have had to dig deep to find an extra burst of energy before she changed her mind!

My man card has been suspended quite a few times over the years and always based on taking the wrong woman home or by not living by the man code. Yes ladies it is not a myth we actually have rules we live by, granted some are more stupid than others but what can ya do. But, this is the first time I will have my man card taken away and it was very well deserved.

After telling my experience on Monday, I hope she doesnt think I was a really "nice" guy!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

yes its been that long

I want to apologize to the ones that read this, havent really been doing anything crazy besides drinking beer, but no hookers.... yes i have in my past life, then again i believe in a religion that says we are reborn again, so according to that belief system, i was a pimp.  but, i havent been doing that for years, but i have been paying money for dates and still dont get shit. Ive dated nice college educated women, church going women hell i even been out with a jewish girl (and i was told all three types were sluts or whores)and you know how they love money,after 5oo bucks spent total on 2 dates and i still couldnt even have my penis licked!! hell if i was at the wourld cup in africa, i'd give a bag of rice to a bush girl to just lick the penis, she'd be so grateful i fed her family for a month, she"d probably let me sleep with her sister at the same time maybe even the medicine man...if i was in to that sort of thing!!  Hell I have heard guys complain after spending 30 bucks on drinks and get mad cause all they got was a blowjob.

This week has been bad.  Only because I swore i would never have sex with a drunk "fat"girl, "fat" girl on drugs, and even girls I cant bench (fat girls), I push 350(wieghts) but I was always more than willing to go more....Hey in my defence, you can"t get stronger till you max it out! So im guessing that all the people that read this blog, heard that I swore I WOULD NEVER do those types of girls again. Just on the record... should have never said that. I havent gotten laid in so long, i should just not call myself a man anymore. But this week has been a will of  testement and stregnth, they have been coming at me so hard, I broke 3 ugly sticks, gave away an abscene amount of twinkies and ho ho's just to throw them off my sent.

But something happened. I was away on "business" and one of the forementioned described in the paragraph above...happened to catch me slippin, I had 12 beers and a botlle of makers mark in my system(750 ml botlle to be exact on the rocks of course).  We went to the after party, of course what business trip would not be complete without an after party. So i go inside to pass the hell out...yes thats how much i drank, i was the first to call it quits. All i remember is saying "sorry babe (cause I didnt remember her name... no ladies im not that bad at names I just have a hard time remembering names. ) i have wiskey dick, "so she said I'll help you out, at this point im like fuck it, I swore i would never do this again so I said i have no condoms. She jumped up said i'll be right back i'm gonna go get some." I wake up to the feeling of wanting to fart and shit at the same time. I wouldnt be damn if this chick had her finger in my ass. Of course I didnt ask which was a fucking finger, at least at that point i was praying it was. I jump up thinking im in harris county on a dui charge in the drunk tank passed out with a black guy that wanted my socks.  So i swing with a closed fist.  Next thing I hear is "oh you ike it rough......" and thats the last thing i heard.

I wake up not only feeling hung over but violated.  I took a deep breath and thanked god it was a woman. So my buddy was still passed out, and im thinking to myself i need to get the fuck out of here and you drove..So im awake looking and listening  at this chick and my buddies sister talking thinking she has big hands, i wonder what finger she threw up my ass to wake me up....Then i hear my buddies sister say im off this week lets go back home with them and this chick said hell yea, so ive been fighting off a bad one this week fellas and ladies. Ive been to the bar everyday this week, and have spent only 10 bucks i go have a beer and just sit there till its closing time hoping that when i unlock the house door she"ll be asleep, I worked out for 4 hours each day just to get away from the constant sexual coments and groping.......

Please tell me what the hell should i be thinking as i stay watch allnight hoping she dont come in my room like last night. I feel like i am on watch, im scared to close my eyes, scared to take a shower, and sure as hell scared out of my mind to drink.....

I know what im thinking, "when are they going back home!!!!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

It is what it is

I just realized something. And only tonight did I finally realize, Im the last of the Mochicans.  Tall, young, smart, and cooks, never married, no kids and stands six feet fall  and I work out three to four days a week. Granted I only work out three to four days a week so I can eat and drink what I want.  Then brag about the fact that if I didnt work out I would be much bigger. But, I cant get a piece of ass to save my life. Yes i am single, and if you read my blogs, you can probably see why. Women dont want to think they have men like me, they think their men are different. Shit the same way the women you are with dont want to think I"m your friend. I was reminded today, about my old schools ways.  The days where I said shit and I didnt give a fuck. If I still lived in htown, I would still be that same old guy, since I have moved here people think that I "grew up" nope, I just adapted to my surroundings. This town is so conservative and I am a natural hunter, so, I had to calm down my ways to catch dinner.

Tonight is the first blog that I write drunk.  So forgive my sudden change of subect, I am typin what comes to mind.  I am mad tonight... so i tried it, I wrote it as it came to mind then i proof read it as best Icould and upon reading my first draft it didnt work,so I deleted it.  I would have called out too many people that mean allot to me. So I will just use sayings that my father and other men taught me  what they think a man should live by, dont worry ladies, I will also share what important women in my life has shared. So I will share with you first.

"All men are assholes, just love the asshole that supports you and your family and dont beat it outside of bed."
"Let him think he's man, cause his friends(male) probably dont know how to be one either"
"Let him get drunk and act like an ass, I bet you have a friend(female) that thinks your man is better"
"No matter how long you have been married, he will always try to put it in your ass"
"if he eats it, he loves it, so turn on the lights"
"If he has never sucked a dick, how is he gonna tell you how to do it, if you do it he will like it no moatter what."---thats my favorite!
"you may think you want a big dick, until you have to fuck it every night, then your gonna think about your ex lover"
"If she complains about how small it is, she must be a whore"
"If you think your fat, so does he"
"If you think you ex lover was better when he is on top, guess who he is thinking about"
" I hope he calls me"
"A man that fucks you for longer than 10 minutes the first night you have sex is just showing off, a man that eats for 10 min shows he has a big appetite"

Since I grew up with nothing but women, I can go all night, but those are enough, time for the man quotes.

"Fuck the scientist, I will tell why men become deaf before women, everyone gets tired of the nagging."
"I'm glad you think ur dicks big, she did to until she told her friend!"
"If she thinks you did it, you probably did, just not with the friend she thinks is uglier or fatter then her."
"I've been around the block a time or two, and the only woman that is never jealous, had a baby without having sex"
"If you love her tell her, if you mean it ask her to marry her, to prove it do what she says....always."
"She will be handled like a whore and love it, till she has daughters or sons, then u change diapers"
"if she is mad that you drink with the fellas, better make it worth the rath"
"let her suck it first, she bleeds out of hers"
"dont ever ask if its big enough...ever"
"if she lets you lick her ass, she wants it in her ass"
"A woman that masturabtes thinks about you"
"We will never change, but they think we will, who am I to crush the dreams of others"
"She will never be pretty enough and some how thats our fault"
"only men that are lawyers have women that believe its never the mans fault"
"if she dont cook now, you would have wished you learned"
"When she is drunk your the man, when she wakes up next to you naked theres a chance you do 5 to 10"
"it is never her first time" thats my favorite too
"if she believed she was hot, she would like going to hooters"
"she likes chicks, just likes your dick better"

Friday, February 26, 2010

Just one of those days

I spent abut 20 minutes at CVS today day, trying to talk myself in and out of buying beard and hair dye. I woke up this morning and looked at myself to long in the mirror and notcied not a few grey hairs on my head, but it was like they trippled in numbers in the past few months, my beard, for get about it, it is totally white in some spots.  So, as I stood in that isle going over the different brands and prices, an old woman passed by and said "son, no since in coloring it, if its gonna fall out anyway." She had a solid point, but, now I was worried about my receading hair line! Was it that bad? It must have been for a blind old hag like herself to notice! So I placed the boxes back down and moved over to the rogain section of the isle, and stared at the different brands and prices.  I wouldnt be damned of that old lady swung back around and said "son, I think your better off spending your money on some razors."  There I was in the middle of the fucking isle about to body slam this 75 year old lady, when I calmed down and came to my senses, "respect your elder" popped in my head and said "yea your right mam, but I am growing out my beard on purpose,  if you would like, I can let you have the money to purchase  high fiber pills, or depends." Fucking lady bust out with, " you see son you can't change ugly".  How low did I feel at that point.  Hair is turning white, hair is falling out and I have a 75 year old lady bustin my fucking balls in the middle of CVS. Damn white old ladies are the worst.

As I walked out the store with my head in shame and embarrasment, I tripped and fell.  I was able to catch my self in a way as to not face plant on the damn sidewalk. And the fucking old lady crepped on by and asked if I needed to borrow her walker. I grinned, collected my self and just kept walking.  I got home and was just in total shock, I sat on the chair and after awhile I was like the fuck just happened. Why me? I am the last guy that needs to be fucked with by old white people.  I give them the right of way on the damn road, I dont honk or yell with impaitence when I see there blue head of hair just above the steering wheel, and a big ass blue handicap parking tag hanging from the rear view as they do 20 miles under the speed limit, residential or highway. When I am in the car with others and see them growing impaitent I simply say relax we will be there to one day.  I have stopped on the sides of highways to help them out, and smile with gratitiude when they hand me a quarter for a tip for changing there tire or giveing them a battery charge when they left there damn headlights on in the parking lot.  I think today is the day that I stop being nice to old ladies.  I will lay on my horn and tailgate hoping to incite a major heart attack. I will never again let them jump in front of me on a busy intersection. And if they are on the side of the road let AAA help em out. lmao

I will most likely contiue to be nice to old ladies, since my mother is that age and would like people to be nice to her, she's not anything like the "hell lady" at CVS, so I would imagine she wouldn't get treated with disrespect. But whereever you are Mrs. Queen Bitch of the geriatrics, I'll be watching out for you.  Until we meet again in that CVS you better watch your hunched back! For all I know she's probably a trained cage fighter and was looking for a fight today. She might have seen that snickers comercial with the lady from the golden girls and got pumped up.  But in the end, I learned something from her, no hair dye, no shampoo that gaurantees hair restoration will ever prevent you from growing old. Its life. But, me thinking that old ladies should be sweet and humble.shhiittt, not that one. What the hell was I thinking!?