Thursday, November 12, 2009


This past weekend was filled with allot of laughs. Saturday I went to a going away party for a buddy, he is moving to the valley for a job promotion. So they reserved an area at a swanky bar, not my cup of tea but I felt obligated to go. Typical high end bar, the drinks were over priced, the men looked like carbon copies of each other. All wearing tucked out shirts with sports coats and same style of hair hoping to catch a hot chick with there clothes and goals to reach corporate wealth. The women were on a desperate prowl to find an educated guy with money and all they brought to the table was a high school education, 15 hours of community college and a job at HEB to offer in return but they were hot! Its a funny sight.

I like the bars that you can go to do what it was intended for, to drink and bullshit. When you can have a conversation with a stranger all night, and never knew what they did for a living. If you find out it's just by chance. Then find out the they own one of the largest dealerships in San Antonio and has a single daughter to hook you up with.

Anyway, other than my negatives about the place, I had a great time! Saw some very beautiful women with great sweater meat! Talked to a guy that knew a guy, that knows a guy which will lead to me knowing a guy that knew a guy. Probably wont lead to much just me not knowing shit, but, social networking happens that way sometimes.

Sunday was special, hung out watched football, got annoyed with Dallas fan, while checking out hot Dallas fan women. Got cut off at a bar, went to another bar, cut ourselves off and ended the night at Jim's. Jim's is equivalent to an IHOP or Denny's. Denny's and IHOP really struggle in this town since people here are opposed to change. I have heard this and that about Jim's, how Denny's and IHOP don't have shit compared to this place. My buddy is telling me that he cant believe i have never been. One would think that this place is unique and special. But, Jim's is all over the place here. They have one at every corner like McDonald's in this town. Anyway we walk in half slanted and crossed eyed. I know we smell of cheap draft beer and cigarettes. We sit at the dinning bar were we can see the short order cook do his impersonation of a bennihanna chef with breakfast meats and eggs. I was too drunk to read the menu, so I just order what I wanted, two eggs over easy, 8 strips of bacon, and french toast. My buddy takes my lead and orders off the menu. I am pretty sure Jim's menu had a crafty name for what I ordered but I was too drunk to make sense of the names.

We bullshit with the manager and waiter talk about this and that, and then BAM. Our plates arrive. They placed a platter of bacon before me, at a quick glance it looked like it was 3 inches high. The french toast looked like half a loaf of bread. I look over at my buddy's plates, and the pancakes were stacked in a layer of three, but each pancake was as thick as my dick! he had about 8 pieces of Texas sized toast, that looked like they placed the whole loaf on a plate.

In my drunken stupor I inhaled the eggs and french toast and a couple of slices of bacon. Then I realized, these bastards fried up about a lb of bacon and severed it to me. It was a moment of man vs food. By buddy says "damn foo, you gonna have bacon all week" and then I reply "shit, I'm gonna eat all this shit right now" A look of your fucking crazy could be seen on his face and it was at that moment that I had to put my money were my mouth was.

I grabbed a slice of half lb Texas toast and crammed as much bacon as I could so that it would fold into a taco. I repeated this technique twice and after that second taco, the bacon level on the platter hadn't gone down an inch. What the hell did I get my self into! At this point the manager, the waiter and the fucking cook where looking at me like there is no way this dude can do it. My jaws were getting sore, my stomach felt like it was about to tear, I was dipping the bacon into syrup so that I wouldn't be able to taste all the bacon that had begun to fill my mouth.

I did it! The sense of drunk idiot pride took over and I felt like I had just done something great. I stood up from the table and walked out with a John Travolta Saturday night strut. I hop in the truck and it hit me. The smell of bacon and syrup aroma was coming off my upper lip, the bacon and bread could be felt just below my Adams apple and the urge to puke was calling. I pulled over got some fuel, dropped my buddy off and headed home without incident. About half a mile from my house I stuff my cheek with chewing tobacco, to settle my stomach, I then somehow swallowed a bit of the juice. The tobacco juice mixed with the half digested bacon and bread didn't mix at all. What then occurred could only be described as a bulimic
model on a purge while driving a pickup. I choked and gagged and my insides where now hanging on the outside of the closed drivers side door. I would have pulled over but there was no place to do so. I got home just as the smell of bacon and booze engulfed the cab of the truck and rushed to the shower. One would think the worst was over, but I laid in bed the rest of the night with indigestion and heart burn. I was so miserable I couldn't sleep. I was in a dark room with just my thoughts, "what a fucking idiot all this pain and embarrassment with no t-shirt, no photo on the wall at Jim's, no nothing. at least man vs food, is praised and admired for stunts like this, me?just another drunken idiot". The greatest piece of pork fat to ever be discovered for consumption is now on the do not eat list! I got up the next day and washed my face, stared in the mirror and with a grin thought to myself what the hell was I thinking last night!

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