Thursday, July 30, 2009

Beginning of a long day!

Dream land is were I am suppose to be right now. Women prancing across an open field, nude, flowing hair; searching for the lions den. Instead I woke to the sweet sounds of a growling stomach. I looked at the clock and to my surprise it read 5:30. I rolled over and tried to slip back into REM to continue that dream, that one dream that makes the world seem right, nah. I'm too fucking hungry.

Telwink, Franks grill, mamas hash browns, bacon, sausage, ham, Texas toast, coffee and orange juice.
I took all the breakfast meats diced them up and stuffed them into a perfectly rolled three egg omelet. Today my friends is the day we feast like kings! I shredded the potatoes, cooked the breakfast meats, poured the eggs out of the box. (egg beaters, tried to make this breakfast healthy!) Placed a slice a cheese ever so gently on the meat filled masterpiece! I ate only half, damn I should have just slept. So I did what any other adult over the age of fifty would do at that time of the morning after breakfast and coffee.

Watched the news, got depressed and changed the chanel to animal planet. Leave it to the Real Beavers was the title. As I sat there thinking of my next move on the business, Beavers became an all to familar joke and the young boy came out. I heard when the beaver gets angry, the hairy beaver, the beavers hair serves a disticnt purpose, and the one that left me in tears, a mature beaver can wreak havoc on the innocent farmer! I couldnt help myself i rolled laughing, so hard that the coffe and greasy food crept upon me like vietcong in the jungle, swift, dangerous and without warning!!! It was though the oil had lubed up the large instestine causing the coffee to act like a flowing river pushing debris to the mouth of the ocean.

Tomorrow morning, bowl of ceral minus the coffee! I wasnt thinking much this morning but I learned my lesson.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

This Should surprise YOU!

I was chatting it up with a very good friend of mine. She bought her special beau a little present and asked if it was appropriate. The price tag was not very large although the time and effort that was put into finding this little keepsake was a considerable amount.

So I had to give a bit of advice that was sweet and nice, characters that are hidden deep within, surrounded by walls of mistrust and bitterness of past relationships. A gift which the dictionary defines the word; as
something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation. Nice and easy not much to it. Yet we have found a way to complicate the hell out it.

When we were kids and I know that everyone has had that "little Johnny or Susie crush". They were the ones we had innocent crushes on, sometimes we made them love you cards, bought them teddy bears, or anything that we could get a hold of that would signify the feelings we had towards them. In that quest to find them that perfect little gift. There was never a thought of negativity in terms of what was appropriate, did we know them long enough, what will he or she think, would they think its too much or not enough, will they think we spent all this time looking for it and have them think it's psycho because of the amount of time we put into something simple or too extravagant. It was here johnny or here Susie back then! We would blush and the gift exchanged from our hands to theirs making them happy or not, but we didn't really stress over it much one way or the other, it was innocent and from the heart.

When did it change? Of course as adults we have all the answers. But when did we arrive at those answers and consider them just? Where they told to us from our friends that a gift should be bought in terms of the time and length of knowing someone? Did we read in a magazine that lists the amount of months each of has been together then quickly suggest and explain the gifts we should buy?! Or over the course or the years the price of the gift should increase? When we take away all the what if's the answer is still so simple.

If you feel the desire to buy that special someone a present, do it. Hell, buy the first thing you think of. If a car is what you want to buy, a boat, a hood ornament, sex toy, key chain with their name, salt shakers. Just buy it because you want to share with them and want to express that little gesture of I thought about you, I love you, and I want nothing in return. Maybe we complicate it because of what we expect in return. A hug, a shy grin, words of acceptance, give a gift tomorrow and dont explain the reason it was givien. See what happens!

As kids it was innocent and I think that the gifts and the love behind them should still be as adults. we have just found a way to complicate it....I believe that now but when I hear or read advice or thoughts about gift giving it always make me think shit... What have I been thinking?!


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Yes I did and No I'm not proud!

I woke early today, and did some random things like make breakfast tacos for like eight people and coffee for six. It's kind of hard to cook for one. So I took some over to my business partners house so that his visiting mother and grandmother could enjoy.

I was conversing with a friend of mine and an old story came up. And for that brief second I couldn't not figure out how i forgot that story, mush less forget to tell it. So I have decided to share it with all of you.

Back in ought 7, I was dealing with a bad break up. My final exams had just finished and I felt like unwinding a little. So I picked up a case of natural light put them on ice and decided to drink. At the time I had just moved to ole san antone, I must have been here six months, so not having many friends i could trust, I was left to down the case on my own. A task that wasn't much of a challenge but, drinking by myself had not been a hobby of mine, at that time anyway.

My roommate had taken his girl to dinner and the other was out of town. Somewhere between twenty beers, a couple shots of tequila, sad country music and tejano songs that where leading me towards tears as well as blissful thoughts of hookers. I changed the music to a more party theme. Not that I would have gone to pick one up, just the thought of having angry hate my ex ass pounding was tempting me. The kind that only a hooker could satisfy. I'm guessing for an extra fee I could have changed her name to the ex's too, but then that would have just been down right creepy.

So I decide to change it up to some ass shaking dance music. There I was in the middle of my living room dancing and signing to "aahhh FREAK OUT!" having a great time. Now I'm not to sure how it all happened but my shirt was all of a sudden off and draped over my right shoulder and I was sweating like a hooker in church. Then Eminem "Shake that ass feat. Nate Dogg" came out and I felt the sudden urge of getting crazy with it. I was in the zone, music was blaring on the surround sound and I had it on repeat. This song was just one of those songs that described me during that breakup. And you know when that special song plays you can relate to comes on....its all over with, forget about it. You're a crazed fool trying to sing it louder than the speakers are playing it.

About the 5th or 6th time on the CD player, I was yelling along with the lyrics like there was no tomorrow, dropping it, shaking it, just acting like a dumb ass that lost his mind. As I'm in the middle of a new made up dance move, I heard a woman's voice yelling "OH MY GOOOODDD!!!!

As I take a swig of beer I turn my attention to the voice just over my left shoulder, and turn around, my roommates girl shot straight back to the front door, I thought that was weird, I shrugged my shoulders rewound the song to my favorite part and noticed as I bent down, I was butt ass naked with only my flip flops on and a cold natural light in my right hand. At that point I was so wasted Instead of running for something to put on, I finished the rest of the song and beer and not only did my roommates chick get to see me for a second time when she came back inside but my roommate did too!

Now the only thing that I can do at this point in my life, is to laugh about it and try to figure out, dancing alone to eminem naked and getting wasted.....What was I thinking!?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Smells and Tastes like "Roses"

Well, most of the time I'm alone here in good ole San Antone. So I have allot of alone time on my hands, no people, its not what you think. I didn't say my hands are always full. Anyway, I often venture off about town just to get out of the house and make new friends. I came home from the park tonight, yes I was working out. And I just couldn't get over the conversation I heard two women talking about. Don't get me wrong, I was not eavesdropping, I'm not that kind of man. The only reason I was behind these two young ladies was because they decided on wearing workout shorts so tight and small that the "scoot to the poot" was extremely noticeable. Now I wasn't looking very hard but when the left leg extended to take a forward step, I heard angels sing, which in turn casued me to look and focus in the direction of this strange yet lovely noise. You know I have to admit it's in my nature to be curious.

So, I continued to walk behind them so that the other gentlemen wouldn't make fun of them about what they were wearing. So as I was locked into man mode my eyes gazed at there backside as they pranced around the track like gazelle in heat. Then I heard "I'm going down on a girl and she doesn't taste or smell like roses, is there a polite way to back out?" The singing stopped and then the question set in. "she doesn't taste or smell like roses?" "Is there a polite way to back out?" Had I looked into the mirror at that point, my face would have shown deep concern rather than the overwhelming excitement that men experience when they figure out they are in the presence of lesbians. I should have been thinking "yes she's a lesbian let me continue to listen!" then her girlfriend responded "Hold your breath and very slowly redirect your attention: Kiss your way up past her navel to her breasts. Give each of her nipples a swirl with your tongue, then kiss her shoulders, collarbone, and neck. She'll think you were going for the all-over body smooch from the get-go."

Okay, before we move on, the workout was great the scenery was nice, but my legs were cramping, my stomach was upset, I was about to pass out. Which I must admit is a big improvement, I felt like that half way around the track a month ago.(the track is a quarter mile one time around, i don't think its right.) and tonight I made it one time around!

Anyway, back to my point. "she doesn't smell or taste like roses?" she had to have been one of these co-eds that are trying this out for this first time. Then it hit me, does she think her mound of heaven smelled like roses let alone taste like it? What gave her that impression? What man lied to her? who was her man? what part of the world did this woman come from? Can she lick her own snatch?(now that would be impressive). I have been around the vaginal area a few times in my day. Hell, I have even tasted it once! okay, twice, okay I cant lie, four times. I've read books, magazines, I have even surfed the net to find out more about it. That's how mysterious gods greatest gift is, there is not enough information on the female reproductive system and the ways to which we should excite it! But c'mon! look... I'm not Emeril, but i know if a piece of fish is fresh or not and I'm no Martha Stewart but I know that the only thing that can possibly smell like a rose... is a fucking ROSE! I've never tasted a rose so I'm stuck there. But, you get the point. I may go out and eat a pedal after this but that's a other post!

Now I didn't stick around to hear what in the hell she did after she noticed it didn't smell or taste like a goddamn rose. I can only describe to all of you the expression of pure "what the fuck?" that took over my face in response to what her lovely workout partner said. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT? look, I'm understanding and sensitive i get it. You don't want to hurt the feelings of the person getting munched on, I've had to fight off the wrath of two angry inner thighs locked onto the side of my head during a moment of "cooter" pleasure because of the lack of oxygen. In the moment of pure desperation I had to reach around with a clubbed fist and punched her in the stomach to unleash me. It was a little radical but, one will do things to SURVIVE, don't judge.

Anyway. "Hold your breath and very slowly redirect your attention: Kiss your way up past her navel to her breasts. Give each of her nipples a swirl with your tongue, then kiss her shoulders, collarbone, and neck. She'll think you were going for the all-over body smooch from the get-go". Direct your attention to what? how? why? Your upper lip smells like god knows what! I'm guessing at this point it was a bad piece, if "I" go down expecting to smell and taste roses and don't get roses, I'm gonna be pretty freaking upset! I might roll her ass over to find the panties I squeezed her out of, to see if I can find a warning label stating "objects found inside may not be life like". I'm not going to give her a full body smooch. Now, anyone that has had a bad pie raise your hand?....................(putting my hand down)OK I guess I'm the only one man enough to admit it at this point. Once you have moved away from the danger zone, the smell may not be as intense but it lingers, and I have a beard. It lingers a little stronger. I can just imagine the look of this poor girl. Had this been her first experince she should just stop now. I didnt get close enough to her face to take a wiff but I had to shave my beard after my first experience and the smell still lingered.

Every time someone asked what that smell was, beads of sweat began to form over my brow as I drifted to the nearest sink to wash my face. OK, redirect to other parts of the body to make her think your going for the all-over the body experience. Shit, this friend giving the advice sucks, now any person knows when it smells it smells and don't take long for one to figure it out. But if you are down there a second maybe 2 seconds, maybe your sinuses are acting up and then decide to go for the "all body smooch" move around. Your partner knows something's up. 1.)you're either a tease 2.)you don't like munching so you are not going to get the same treatment or 3.)their pussy stinks. You cant play it off. What her "Friend" should have said was get the hell out then go on to explain the levels of pussy smell. Vagina smells, there is three levels of vagina smell, good meaning continue, bad but we have been dancing all night bad, but continue yours smells the same, and get the fuck out. If its get the fuck out smell, then erase her number from your phone, change email address, block her from the dating site your on, myspace, face book, don't even think about twittering. Then check into the nearest clinic for tests just to be sure!

If she was a real good friend she would have laughed so hard she pissed herself, make fun of her for thinking it smells and tastes like roses, dog her out the rest of the workout. Call her to make sure she got home safe, dogged her out some more, then when they go out, dog her ass some more around the rest of her friends, make sure she gets the memo passed around with picture and date of birth of the suspected smelly snatch and this dogging behavior should continue at least a life time or so, cause she is a real good friend and would be around forever right?!!!

The younger generation was suppose to be smarter than mine. After this incident.....What was I THINKING?

A friend made me!

At this moment in time, this hour of the day, this day of the week, at this point of time in a world parallel to ours. I have decided to enter into the world of blogging. Countless jokes and many debates about how i feel towards those individuals that type there very intimate thoughts to share with the world or friends and family have turned into praises, respect and high regards. because i am now one of them and would hate to be the bad end of a joke for some random ass at a bar talking smack. I will now be that random ass at a bar signing praises about the amateur blogger. I would like to thank that special friend of mind that turned me on to this. I can now share with all of you what was i thinking during my occasional acts of stupidity, carelessness, ignorance and drunkenness as well as the opposite to each of those fore mentioned words! she cant be the only one that gets a good laugh from time to time!!