Well, most of the time I'm alone here in good ole San Antone. So I have allot of alone time on my hands, no people, its not what you think. I didn't say my hands are always full. Anyway, I often venture off about town just to get out of the house and make new friends. I came home from the park tonight, yes I was working out. And I just couldn't get over the conversation I heard two women talking about. Don't get me wrong, I was not eavesdropping, I'm not that kind of man. The only reason I was behind these two young ladies was because they decided on wearing workout shorts so tight and small that the "scoot to the poot" was extremely noticeable. Now I wasn't looking very hard but when the left leg extended to take a forward step, I heard angels sing, which in turn casued me to look and focus in the direction of this strange yet lovely noise. You know I have to admit it's in my nature to be curious.
So, I continued to walk behind them so that the other gentlemen wouldn't make fun of them about what they were wearing. So as I was locked into man mode my eyes gazed at there backside as they pranced around the track like gazelle in heat. Then I heard "I'm going down on a girl and she doesn't taste or smell like roses, is there a polite way to back out?" The singing stopped and then the question set in. "she doesn't taste or smell like roses?" "Is there a polite way to back out?" Had I looked into the mirror at that point, my face would have shown deep concern rather than the overwhelming excitement that men experience when they figure out they are in the presence of lesbians. I should have been thinking "yes she's a lesbian let me continue to listen!" then her girlfriend responded "Hold your breath and very slowly redirect your attention: Kiss your way up past her navel to her breasts. Give each of her nipples a swirl with your tongue, then kiss her shoulders, collarbone, and neck. She'll think you were going for the all-over body smooch from the get-go."
Okay, before we move on, the workout was great the scenery was nice, but my legs were cramping, my stomach was upset, I was about to pass out. Which I must admit is a big improvement, I felt like that half way around the track a month ago.(the track is a quarter mile one time around, i don't think its right.) and tonight I made it one time around!
Anyway, back to my point. "she doesn't smell or taste like roses?" she had to have been one of these co-eds that are trying this out for this first time. Then it hit me, does she think her mound of heaven smelled like roses let alone taste like it? What gave her that impression? What man lied to her? who was her man? what part of the world did this woman come from? Can she lick her own snatch?(now that would be impressive). I have been around the vaginal area a few times in my day. Hell, I have even tasted it once! okay, twice, okay I cant lie, four times. I've read books, magazines, I have even surfed the net to find out more about it. That's how mysterious gods greatest gift is, there is not enough information on the female reproductive system and the ways to which we should excite it! But c'mon! look... I'm not Emeril, but i know if a piece of fish is fresh or not and I'm no Martha Stewart but I know that the only thing that can possibly smell like a rose... is a fucking ROSE! I've never tasted a rose so I'm stuck there. But, you get the point. I may go out and eat a pedal after this but that's a other post!
Now I didn't stick around to hear what in the hell she did after she noticed it didn't smell or taste like a goddamn rose. I can only describe to all of you the expression of pure "what the fuck?" that took over my face in response to what her lovely workout partner said. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT? look, I'm understanding and sensitive i get it. You don't want to hurt the feelings of the person getting munched on, I've had to fight off the wrath of two angry inner thighs locked onto the side of my head during a moment of "cooter" pleasure because of the lack of oxygen. In the moment of pure desperation I had to reach around with a clubbed fist and punched her in the stomach to unleash me. It was a little radical but, one will do things to SURVIVE, don't judge.
Anyway. "Hold your breath and very slowly redirect your attention: Kiss your way up past her navel to her breasts. Give each of her nipples a swirl with your tongue, then kiss her shoulders, collarbone, and neck. She'll think you were going for the all-over body smooch from the get-go". Direct your attention to what? how? why? Your upper lip smells like god knows what! I'm guessing at this point it was a bad piece, if "I" go down expecting to smell and taste roses and don't get roses, I'm gonna be pretty freaking upset! I might roll her ass over to find the panties I squeezed her out of, to see if I can find a warning label stating "objects found inside may not be life like". I'm not going to give her a full body smooch. Now, anyone that has had a bad pie raise your hand?....................(putting my hand down)OK I guess I'm the only one man enough to admit it at this point. Once you have moved away from the danger zone, the smell may not be as intense but it lingers, and I have a beard. It lingers a little stronger. I can just imagine the look of this poor girl. Had this been her first experince she should just stop now. I didnt get close enough to her face to take a wiff but I had to shave my beard after my first experience and the smell still lingered.
Every time someone asked what that smell was, beads of sweat began to form over my brow as I drifted to the nearest sink to wash my face. OK, redirect to other parts of the body to make her think your going for the all-over the body experience. Shit, this friend giving the advice sucks, now any person knows when it smells it smells and don't take long for one to figure it out. But if you are down there a second maybe 2 seconds, maybe your sinuses are acting up and then decide to go for the "all body smooch" move around. Your partner knows something's up. 1.)you're either a tease 2.)you don't like munching so you are not going to get the same treatment or 3.)their pussy stinks. You cant play it off. What her "Friend" should have said was get the hell out then go on to explain the levels of pussy smell. Vagina smells, there is three levels of vagina smell, good meaning continue, bad but we have been dancing all night bad, but continue yours smells the same, and get the fuck out. If its get the fuck out smell, then erase her number from your phone, change email address, block her from the dating site your on, myspace, face book, don't even think about twittering. Then check into the nearest clinic for tests just to be sure!
If she was a real good friend she would have laughed so hard she pissed herself, make fun of her for thinking it smells and tastes like roses, dog her out the rest of the workout. Call her to make sure she got home safe, dogged her out some more, then when they go out, dog her ass some more around the rest of her friends, make sure she gets the memo passed around with picture and date of birth of the suspected smelly snatch and this dogging behavior should continue at least a life time or so, cause she is a real good friend and would be around forever right?!!!
The younger generation was suppose to be smarter than mine. After this incident.....What was I THINKING?