Saturday, January 30, 2010

Too much time on my hands

I was hanging out on the man sofa watching boxing tonight low key nothing much to it and chattin it with a buddy I was use to work with. Can you say bill collector ya'll... worst job of my life, well 9 months of my life. Yeah, I was amazed I lasted that long too showing up to work drunk as much as I did.  Not that I was drunk from the night before, no I am too responsible for that shit, I'm the guy on time with a smile and a few jokes. Lets just say that wasnt water I was drinking all day.  It  did make the job allot easier though.  Anyway him and his girl recently broke up.  Deep down I was thinking sweet! I got my drinking buddy back. But, I was sad on the outside, breakups can be a bad thing or a good thing. Depending on how we look it. But in the beginning its always tough for both people involved. So naturally I asked why? He told me she was too selfish.  Being the sensitve guy that I am, I wrote back, "just because she doesnt like giving blow jobs doesn't make her a selfish person maybe she only spends time on cocks bigger than 3 inches." No I didnt put it that way, I actually wrote it like this. Selfish huh? You know in man language that means she wasnt giving you blowjobs right?  So was that the case? Got an "LOL!!!!!" but what I was really looking for was an "LMAO!!!" Yea he was hurting or probably didnt think it was that funny. Anyway, it got me to thinking. Man language? What the hell does that mean? For a second nothing came to mind, I said for a second.

We dont speak in a different language shit just registers in our minds a little different.  When my roomate asks "what do you fell like eating for dinner tonight? Pussy is gonna be my answer almost everytime. "Im going to the store to pick up some mike" my reply" ok I'll have a D cup".  Someone asks, I am going to the store you want me to pick you up anything? My answer "as a matter of fact, bring me back some hot pussy! oh, your not going to HEB? cornerstore? ah okay, huh, any pussy will do? Grocery store talk. Lets take automobiles for example.

A buddy will ask me about a chick at the bar, then go on to explain certain sex positions and my reply. "oh yeah, I bet she rides like a cadillac" Of course I get this look like what the fuck you talking about. And with an arrogant grin and a wink say, "you must have never driven one." Then there is the  girl you want to be on when your going off road.  Rides like an F150 and built ford tough. Meaning big enough to take a beating but not so big to where you can't manuever it in tight corners. You have your luxury sedans mercedez, bmw's etc etc..  Sleek, sexy, and too much fucking money to afford. But you can always rent or lease one!   American made sports cars, cheap and fast for the base model, higher end model still cheap and fast just a sucker for spending the money on it. Then there is the girl thats like a busted up 1979 monte carlo CL, damn good car, but no one took care of her just  needs some fixing up. You got your SUV women, like to take on allot of pasengers. Your mopeds, thats an old joke but too good to pass up. The girl you have fun riding but wouldn't want your friends to see you on one. Your motorcyle chicks, likes big vibrating things between the legs well most women do  but in this case most likely a lesbian a butch lesbian, girls on scooter lipstick lesbians! I can really do this all day but I'll stop for now.

Anyway, past my bed time, I couldn't sleep, I think my body is thinking "its friday night not one drop of booze no porn on the tub, let me keep him up he is fucking up the rotation."  Hope everyone decided to drink allot of booze and made some bad decisons.  Many of time I have done that and woke up wondering what the hell was I thinking?

Friday, January 29, 2010

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I woke this morning with the sun on my face, drool on the side of my check and a nice stiffy, then it set in...back pain, ankle pain, jaw and shoulder pain, as I flung my legs off the bed and brought my body to a sitting position and forced myself to stand up anticipating my knees to lock relaying a message to my brain to lay the hell back down.  To my surprise no pain today in that region, "damn it was the start of a good day already" I thought with a smile. No people I never played football. When I was younger I thought I dont want to wake up when I'm older and not be able to get out of bed.  But, years of running, biking, hiking and weight training did the job anyway.  That and the occasional street disagreements. You know, where the street didnt agree with the bicycles tire pressure and threw you over the handle bars.  Happened more times than I wanted to. I was so good at it, that one year while riding in the MS150 which is a bicycle ride from Houston to Austin Tx, and won "most likey to fall off the tricyle award" complete with certificate and a framed team photo.  I think I face planted about 5 different times in 2 days. Got knock the fuck out on one. In my deffense, none were my fault except one, it was the last mile of the ride and we could see the finish line, we were giving hi fives and cheering, I wasn't looking and bam, off the bike for the last time, needed stiches in my right knee, but I finished. The second one was a piece of cake no spills. I think the only injury I have that I look back and regret is the shoulder. I picked a guy over my head and gave him a proper body slam to get out of a choke hold, and snap...shoulder dislocated.  I get to the bathroom turn on the shower derobe and stare into the mirror, Checking the grey hair in my beard then slowly looking at the head to check out the damage there and receading hair line.  I puff my chest up turn sideway, suck in the gut, flex the arms, take a deep breath and laugh out loud that I was actually doing that.  As I looked at my aging features and scars  I couldnt help but wonder why in the hell my ankle was hurting so bad today. 

My ankle has had some major damage, but, as I gazed in the mirror I thought about  the only time I really fucked that one up, was when I was trying to get a lady in a huckle buck position and as I manuvered into position to plant my foot to drive it in, I rolled it pulling a ligament.   Yea, imagaine explaing that one to the orthopedic. That wasnt the worst part, the worst was when I fell off I tried to catch myself with my left arm and my shoulder dislocated, now trying to explain that to your mother so you can go see the orthopedic.  The look on this poor girls face was freaking priceless. No doubt she shares that story with her friends and family till this day.  Go Horns wherever you are girl!  There I was buck ass naked with a swollen ankle,my arm out of socket, the look of defeat and shame with three bags of ice. One for the ankle, the other for my shoulder and the third for my blue balls.  But I dont feel bad about that one, shit happens, and I had fun doing it.  The mirror begins to steam up so I turn and jump in the shower. When I was done I dry myself take my ass to my bed room and get changed.  I return to the bathroom to add the finishing touches, line the beard up, fix the hair, all while trying not to look in the mirror as much. And I had one of those moments, where at first glance, the hair looks just right, the lines and the length of the beard are perfect and the clothes fit just right. You smile and think damn I look good today. You walk out the house with the John Travotla/Tony Minelli strut, point to neighbors with that playa swag and smile. Hope in the truck, that perfect song is on, you hit all the green lights, stop off to get some gas, the chick at the pump smiles at you. You turn to put the gas nozzle in the gas tank and you see an old buddy from college, he comes over to greet ya, and says "damn bro you gain some weight" Fucking asshole. Fucking Mirror will do some shit to ya I swear. Damn thing lies, but i dont know whats worse, the fact that it lies or that I actually believed it.  So I get home and head to the bathroom to release some body fluid and couldnt help but check myself out in the mirror again. I lean forward and whisper..  Mirror Mirror on the wall who's the hottest of them all. To my surprise I heard  "Oh Jake im not a fake, i have to admit its not you o kind sir, although I must confess I see the biggest bullshiter of them all"

I think I'm gonna take my buddies advice and intsall a circus mirror in the bathroom. Damn fairy tales aint worth a shit anyway...what the hell was I thinking!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

An Irish Wish

Quick update from the last post, the Rockets whooped on that spurs ass! and Yes I was on TV, not only do I have a pick of this occasion but I also have a video clip! Thanks to my boy in htown and DVR! I dont give away names on the blog cause, well, fuck my political carreer, but I keep names on this page a secret to protect others in case they run for office. But you know who you are kid. We spent the first 2 quarters hearing a bunch of shit talk and well in this photo, we had just been trashed talked by a bunch of cowgirl/spur fan.  I wrote it right, they are the same.  So i have on my best dont fuck with me stance.

But this blog is not about that night and all the fine ass women that I wish were rockets fans, cause I dont believe in Interleague relationships! Tonight, took me on a different adventure. A buddy of mine and my roommate, well, more my roomates friend than mine, I've only know him for about 2 years,  his grandfather passed away on Sunday. From what I understand, he was one of the greats. Most men from that generation are(70 plus years of age).  World War II vet who served with honor and valor in the Navy, and retired an officer from the US Airforce.  He was Irish Catholic, drank like a fish, ate nothing but read meat and potatoes and never missed a day of work.  Yup, the symptoms of a great man.  His grandchild is about thirty four or so who decided to drop by our house tonight, I would have liked to believe that he didnt want to be alone, maybe a shoulder to cry on, nah he needed someone to drink with.  What better place than this.

My rooomate jumped on the call, headed to the store and bought some beer, I was on the couch just chillin, drank about four beers watching the State of the Union Address. I hear what happened with irishmans grandfather and prepared myself for an all nighter of booze and tears. Well, lets just say I mistook my full blooded Irish friend.  Irishmen dont cry! I should have known better. This guy wears an authentic kilt on St. Patricks day that is how irish he is.  He stands just over and inch taller than I, about  6"2, with hands the larger than  a goddamn grizzly bear with strawberry read hair, naturally...he is Irish. When I say Irish I mean Irish. At first glance one would think this guy is one of the actors on Brave Heart throwing stones with Mel Gibson, not as ugly though. So, he gets here drinks the crown I didnt finish the night of the rockets game, I down about 4 more beers, my roomate starts to get lazy eye, and I hear hey man you want to head up to a bar. Well, I hate going to a bar at 1230 at night for one, 2...If its that late I hate going sober. But, what the hell I thought, the man needs a drinking buddy. SO the first bar we hit up, he says it was lame wich it was, but what he really meant was no fat chicks.  I think it was fat chicks, cause when your depressed and wanting to get wasted what other type of women would want.  I'm just saying cause thats what I heard once.

We then move to Bakers street pub with 2.50 makers mark. Oh yeah, burbon baby, burbon. But of course they just ran out. So, it was only fitting that we drink scotch. We have a glass, then another, then another, next thing I know, he is hitting on the bartenders while buying them shots and well, I am hitting on them too  I if you think "hey, my friend thinks you hot and whats to know your name" aakkwwaarrd.  She smiled bashed her eyes flipped her hear and reached out to shake my hand. Not that him yelling was a bad thing, but I was a bartender back in the day, and well, they are by far one of the hardest things to pick up...let me rephrase that, they are one of the hardest ones to keep intrested. But, dont tell my buddy that, and I think the fact that he didnt care probably made the situation better. I dont kiss and tell and tell and kiss. I wont leave anything left to your imagination, cause, I am writing this at 230 in the morning! But it was nice, a number, a wink, a free drink. Will she be the next ex girlfriend probably not. Will I call her...probably not.  So we end the night, polishing off the ice that still had scotch and parted ways. But in honor of his grandfather an old irish wish.

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be ever at your back
May the Good Lord keep you in the hollow of His hand.
May your heart be as warm as your hearthstone.
And when you come to die
may the wail of the poor
be the only sorrow
you'll leave behind.
May God bless you always.-anonymous

Friday, January 22, 2010

Bout Time

I think I have become my father after all. Im not working on a dredge boat in the gulf of mexico supporting 5 kids at thirty. But, I do drink, smoke, and always up for a proper fist fight. Which doesnt exist anymore. Anyway, tonight me and a couple of boys are heading up to the Spurs Rockets game. I hate the spurs just as mush as i do the cowboys. So I want to spend as little money as I can in that hell hole of a stadium. So I decided to hit the hard stuff, crown and seven. After pouring my first drink, little on the seven of course, and after the first cig, it was kind of boring. So i turned on some music, country to be exact. Whiskey and Country just seem to go hand and hand, beer and tejano, burbon and Jazz, and scotch with frank. Sinatra of course, wine with percy or with a great steak, an illegal substance and tequilla with metaclia, of course.

Anyway, when I was a kid my dad would be home on a friday or sat and close the door to the room and crank up my sisters stereo to some old country tunes and I would have to go in and check on him to make sure his glass wasn't empty. He would sit infront of the speakers and just listen. I always thought something was wrong until today. I caught myself doing the same thing. And it was mind blowing, I felt the music in a different way today. I was alone, and a little lonely but in a damn good mood. Then I started thinking about all the good times I've had over the years, of course different songs for diffferent memories. I also remeber the last time I figured oput why my father did the things he did. My father would come home sometimes and forget to close the bathroom door, and me being my fathers little shadow, I would peek in on him, and he would place his right hand on the wall infront of him and put his weight on that arm, so naturally I would try to mimick that move, it wasn't till my 21st birthday when I figured out that, that particular move had a purpose, I was too drunk to balance myself so I placed my hand on the wall and leaned into it. And at that moment I thought to myself "Oh shit , dad must have had to much fire water"! My father has never really had issues with depression, he is a very strong man, "get up and put on leg infront of the other" is what he would always tell me if I had a bad day, or if one of those "proper fist fights" didnt go my way(damn those 2 sucked)lol . I think when he was in that room, he was probably doing what I was doing today, well, maybe he was just tired of arguing with the wife about being out at bars all night, but, I would like to think it was what I was doing, who knows I might have a different view point if I get married and catch myself doing the same thing today.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Lelo (le'-lo), a word that was invented by a close friend. Over the years it has come to mean so many different things. It is basically a word that can be used as a noun or verb and in some cases an adjective. It is the equivalent to the Italian phrase "forgeta bout it". Johnny Depp character Donnie Brasco in "Donnie Brasco" does a great job trying to explain its meaning to his cop buddies. Lelo, is along the same lines. Lelo can mean fucked up drunk. But, one can be drunk and not be lelo. Let me explain. I'm drunk, my eyes are blood shot and I probably could just use a glass of water, I walk up to the bar anyway and tell the bar keep what I want, I yell "miller" at that moment she turns around pops the top and serves it up. I'm just a drunk guy trying to get more drunk. If I stagger up to the bar, with a piss stain on my crotch, and manage to annoy people next to me, either by flirting with their fat women, or my bambi legs are starting to give out casuing me to bump those around me as I yell "iller" then have to say it again, "iller", then get frustrated cause the bartender can't speak drunk, I get cut off and want to fight about it, at that point I am "Lelo."

Lelo can also mean idiot or stupid. example. "dude, I went all the way to the grocery store to buy some beer and I forgot my wallet" to which my buddy replies "pinche lelo" Note, that I am not drunk or have not been drinking.

Lelo can also be used to describe a sober radom stranger, in this case a fuckin idiot. You see a guy with his pants to his knees, which looked like four cans of starch was used on them, he stands all of 5 foot 3, complete with big gold chains, a fake white Chincilla coat(its about 76 degrees outside) sunglasses(about 10 at night in a club) all wile pointing and saying whats up to people from across the room using a side ways peace sign. One can say this is gehtto lelo. There is country lelo, tejano lelo, asian lelo, and wetback lelo.

It can also explain a hangover. But not just any I have a head ache hangover, you have to get all "lelo" at a party and be the only "lelo" at the party taking shots and trying to get everybody to get "lelo" with you, you smoke 3 packs of cigarettes even if you don't smoke, try to convincr a buddy to go to a strip club even if you are broke, get mad when he says no, even if you forgot about what you were asking him to do, fall asleep in the yard even though you swear it was on the couch and throw up on yourself even though you didn't have anything to eat all day. Upon wakeing up in the morning, your throat and chest are sore from thowing up and dry heaving all night, piss stains on your pants, grass in your hair, at that point you realize you made an ass out of yourself the night before. Call your buddy up to apologize or to see what happened, you have to start with "dude I woke up all lelo this morning!" to which your buddy responds "I can just imagine, you were fucking lelo last night!"

Since this word is derived from some Mexican slang mumble jumbo. It is also feminine. Hence LELA (le'-lah), it can be used to describe a womans looks or actions. You look up and see a chick dressed in a black spandex tube dress weighing a deuce, if you look close enough you can see the outline if her granny panties! At this point you lean over to your buddy and say in excitment "look at this lela" Again the reason she is lela(state of mind) What the fuck was she thinking she must be fucking nuts to think she looks good.

If she is a hot chick and has a ring on her finger you look at the guy that is attached to her like a humping dog and notice he is gehhto lelo, asian lelo, tejano lelo, country lelo, or boy band lelo, the common response would be " pinche lela, " then we both turn and pay no attention after that.

It can also be use to describe a horny ass chick. You see the girl drunk as hell grinding on every guy around her seeking attention and trying to make out with everyone. You turn to your buddy and point "look at that lela" In most cases for a single guy being lela is music to our ears and a hevanly sight!

lelo is a state of mind, cause if you are lelo you are not thinking at all. it is the next level above stupidity and drunkeness. You can also be lelito (le'-lee-tow). Which is one level before lelo. You go to a bar and have six drinks, and get turned down by a cocked eyed big girl, you drive home in shame. your buddy asks "hey bro you get lelo last night" to which you respond "lelito, no mas".

Notable lelos.

ME- couple times a year
Michael Jackson, that's right I said it.
Mike Tyson
O.J and everyone who thought he was innocent.
Al Bundy
David Koresh
Chris Brown
Kanye West
Kim Il Sung

Notable Lela's
Lady Gaga
Paris Hilton
Tonya Harding
Peggy Bundy
Tia Tequllia
All of Hugh Hefners girl frineds-except those that were before his 45th birthday.
Carrie Prejean(my kind of lela)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

For your Entertainment only

Today has been a long day. Fustrating yet pleasing. I spent the most of the morning trying to go back to sleep, when that didn't work, I got up and showered, dressed, shaveed, and drove to an autoparts store. My truck has been over heating, and after a week of talking mechanic bullshit with every male friend I know, I think we have all come to the conclusion that it must be the thermostat. The reason a week went by, well, when it comes to car trouble every man has an opinion of what it is. The only knowledgeable person ever to diagnosis a car, is a fuckin mechanic. But we men like to think we know the problem cause 1, it happened to one of our old cars back in the day, 2, it happened to a friend and his truck was doing the same thing 3, it happened to their wives or girlfrineds car.

Little do they tell you, that an overheating truck can be caused by many scenarios, radiator, heating coil, hole in the coolant resivor,tires aren't rotated, the tire pressure in your spare tire is get the point. All kinds of shit, so for now I am going with the cheapest fix; the thermostat.

I get home and look up on line "how to remove a thermostat", couldn't find a damn thing, "diagram of heating systems in an F150", I couldnt find a damn thing. But I type in a word like midget and all kinds of free shit to look at is at your disposal. Midget porn, midgets with animals, mom with midget, I type in Tire, I get skinny guys humping fat chick, I type in spare tire, I get skinny couple fucking fat chick. Im sitting here trying to find something usefull for once and I cant find anything. Fustrated I give up and check out one of those spare tire links!

Well I didnt, it was too early in the day, so I read the news and that was a mistake, it always is, cause I always read the damn articles that just get my blood boiling. But I couldn't pass up this title. "Avatar-Induced Depression: Coping With The Intangibility Of Pandora" You've got to be kidding me I thought to myslef. But finishing the article they werent fucking kidding.

The first paragraph in the yahoo article read. "The beautiful alien planet Pandora depicted in James Cameron's 'Avatar' is so captivating that some audience members are becoming depressed and even suicidal when they fail to find meaning in real life after the film is over." So naturally I just had to read on.

It goes on to explain that people are posting comments for a support group. I saw the movie, it was great entertainment, a little to much "Dances with wolves" plot for me, but, it was good. In no way shape or form did I come home feeling depressed. If anything I was more angry with the price of admission and concession treats. I may have felt a little gassy from the tub of popcorn and large coke I ingested during that 3 hour movie. I thought ok maybe I can see what they are saying cause you know I dont want to be too "close minded" Then I read this shit:

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it. I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.'"

Gotdamn on that is holy, what kind of fucking idiots do we live among. At that point I went close minded and felt no compasion for the person who wrote that. I would like to have mailed this person a bootleg version of this movie, complete with pain pills, bootle of booze, and a gun loaded with one bullet. Good bye to the world care package if you will. I figured this idiot would have watched it several times to get in the "I'm gonna kill myself mood", maybe realize its not worth it and try the pain pills and booze to feel better about themselves. I figured if those two substances together made me feel good, why wouldnt it work on someone else. Of course I'm not trying to off myslef over a movie so it would push this idiot towards that line and the hand gun to finish the job. Look, I really get it trust me, you know how many times I have watched porn and and after about 2 mins felt shame and depreesion come over me as I cry and clean myself off! It's like I want to reach out and be in that porn. I'd do anything to be in the main stud in Twatt for two. Sometimes I lie in bed and I've tried so hard to dream about me being the pizza delivery guy in a speedo and rock hard body that would be my "Avatar" but it hasn't worked nor will it.

People just need to get a grip, shit happens, shit dont go right, learn to deal with it. I dont know if this person saw the same movie I did, but, hopefully they noticed how dangerous that fuckin world is. All kinds of strange fucking creatures trying to eat your ass! White man trying to kill your entire race cause of the minerals your land posses. Your fucking 10 feet tall, blue, four fingers and have a godamn tail! You right offing yourself might be the best thing for you. Not for me thank you! If you dont like camping, fast food, ac, internet, social networking sites,all the things that we think make us live comfortable then move your fucking dumbass to the damn amazon. They only thing I would like the movie to inspire are todays scientist, to get a move on in the field of nanotechnology. So that one day I could have my own porn star avatar!ANd I thought movies were for entertainment purposes only, what the hell are other people thinking!?