Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I've gone and done it NOW!

I've been getting back into working out, I've never really stopped over the past three years, but, then again I never really changed my life style to maximize and benefit from the cardio and weight training I was doing. After the my birthday I decided I needed to live healthier, so I can see my Goddaughter and her little sisters grow old and become doctors, lawyers, vets, have kids, or whatever makes them happy.  Really, I want to be in peak physical condition so I can beat the shit out of the young studs they're gonna be dating in the near future, I know their daddy can handle it, but every batman needs a robin! 

Taking the advice from a bestfriend of mine, I started to work out just before the sun comes out.  It took me a month to accomplish that task. Since the only thing I get up for that early in the morning is fishing, golfing, and the occasional Texan tailgate. I have had many a day when thats the time I finally stop partying but waking up to a brutal workout...thought never crossed my mind.  One particular morning I took a detour off my usual route and passed by a jiu jitsu gym. In my teens and early twenties, I took kung fu, boxing and dabled a little in jiu jitsu and judo. Thats right before UFC blew up.  But, I was more intreseted in being twenty one and chasing tail.

If any of you don't know, some, not all of these gyms open up about four in the morning or a little after.  And the doors are always locked. This is were the club fighters come in and train. Some training to become pro and some professional. They get there and come in before classes start for regualar joes that watched a UFC fight a couple of weeks before and wanted to get in on the latest craze.  Although, most of them will go to an academy that says MMA(mixed martial arts) on the front of the Gym, some do wander in places like the one I showed up to take a look, but, this particual one trains in one area only, jiu jitsu.  After a couple of weeks the regular joes get bored because they want to learn how to fight like the guys on tv then quit. Cause they realize, take downs are they key, while body postions are the ultimate goal in jiu jitsu, they quickly learn that  punches or what UFC anouncers call ground and pound hardly ever take place. The instructors really dislike people like that, but money is money and times are tough.

I tried for the door and it was open. My heart skipped a beat, I walked in so that I could watch a little sparring session. If you never seen some of these guys train its almost better that an actual fight. You get to see first hand how the moves are done in slow motion and then repeated in lighting fast speed. If one happens to be a challenger and thinks he can take out the champ of that academy, you talk about an intense battle of control.  Sometimes the challenger will not tap and thats when, arms, legs, and joints will pop and snap. But this is amercia not brazil. I heard stories of Gracie fighting camps, that in order to join you have to fight that same the day you want to sign up, and it always ends in something of yours getting broken, there is no such thing as a tap out down there.  

Anyway, I watched a little and then decided to head back out, the coaches that were yelling at the fighters  were starting to give me an evil look, hell, I know when I'm being sized up, and I also know what an ass whooping feels like, and I wanted nothing of the sort that morning. I reach for the door and I hear "hey big guy!" shit I thought, should I just pretend like I didnt hear that and start running or respond. That little dare devil voice spoke up and said fuck it. I turned around and answered "what's up" in no way was I going to go into explaing what I was doing there, at least not at this point.  I wasn't asked a direct question to begin with anyway.  "Can I help you something?" he said in an arrogant tone.
"Nah, I was just passing by and thought I might get a chance to watch some great sparring sessions." I replied, hating the fact that I put myself in this mess. With these guys I know too well it can go either way. Had they been american dudes, I wouldnt have worried so much, but these guys were brazilian. Not that its a bad thing but they will test you to see what kind of metal you got between your legs.

"You fight?!" he asked with a grin on his face. "Nah, like I said, I just wanted to see a sparring session."
"well, make yourself comfortable  its going to get exciting, then he moitioned to one of the fighters and yelled something in portugeues, what ever it was it wasnt good, the guy took off in a huried trot to the back room then to front door and locked it. At that point a bead of sweat dripped slowly off my nuts as the shrank up into my stomach. Im fucked now I thought, better not show an ounce of fear or your definatley gonna be fucked with, and don't kiss ass, but be respectful. My dads words and advice taking over. To my surpirse I was in for a treat, great fighing was taking place. And I was left alone to be a grateful spectator.  I was careful not to let out any type of satisfaction or excitment when one guy got the best of the other. Cause they do hate that.

At the end the guy comes over and asked what I thought.  I thought it was great, instead, I told him it was exciting to watch the small guy (6 foot 1) take on the big guy (6 foot 3) and thanked him for letting me in his gym to watch. "Watch?!" he said with a cocky smile.  "That was my sales pitch, spectators are not allowed in here. "See that guy" he pointed to the big guy(6"3 and 235lbs) solid muscle and fast. "Yea" I said, "he's pretty good." knowing damn well that guy was a machine. He goes on to tell me that he out weighs everyone here, and is his only heavywieght. Which is a problem cause he has no one to spar and train with, and asked if I wanted to join.  It was easy to see, the smaller guy gave him no real comeption and it wasnt cause he was good, just outwieghed. Without hesitation I tell him that I was not intrested, what I didnt tell him was I was not intrested in messing with that fucking animal, got someone in the 200 range maybe someone thats a pussy or rookie.  We go into specifics, I tell him I dont have money to spend on a member ship and I have no medical insurance. Done deal he said, "i'll waive the fee and you can train for free, but, you have to be here at 5 am 3 days a week to train with that guy( i cant use real names so im just gonna call him "the machine"). 

At this point all my excuses had been exhausted and matched by this guy, and the only thing left was for me to say I'm a big pussy and want nothing to do with this.  I couldn't say that I was a pussy...cause I'm not, but, waking up 5 am to be a punching bag for a trained and skilled fighter 3 days a week. Im not fucking crazy. The dare devil voice spoke to my macho ego then forced my mouth open and said "fuck it, that guy needs to get at least one good ass whooping before a pro fight, and it might as well be me, at least it wont affect his pro record."  The guy laughed and shocked that I had said that infornt of his fighter and asked "how you plan to take him down." I looked at him with a serious look and said " if my elephant gun wasn't so damn heavy to carry around I'd use that, but, a quick shot to the nuts would be just effective."
"and if that doesnt work" said the machine.  "well, depends on how fast you run doesn't it!?" I was careful to not get carried away with the shit talking.

They both laughed and told me that they had a feeling they were going to like me. They liked that I wasnt scarred of shit, but, quickly said it was because I didnt know what I was getting myself into. Little did they know that I had some martial arts training as well as boxing. But, i didnt tell them that just yet. Everyone says they do, then have to turn aroud and take their foot out their mouth or ass, which ever came first, and I was just gonna let my body do the talking.  I signed my life away on waivers and agreed that after a month of training I would become this guys beating toy.

I was weighed and measured, I was nervous to hit the scales, last time I got on one i didnt like what it told me. I looked down at the number and read 275. The machine got on and it read 250. He may have had me by 4 inches in height, but, I got him by 25 lbs. Though my body isn't anywhere cut up like his is. But Im solid, so I felt good. We move on to see how many pushup I could do after they found out I wieghed more than what I looked. They said I looked like I was in the 240 to 250 range. It was a good thing, I got away from the weights and been doing pushups. I hit 50 non stop, the most I had ever done in a row, the adrenaline was kicking in, and the urge to show I was strong and not some lazy fat ass willed me to do more, but I was told to stop and it couldn't come sooner, I felt light headed and was about to pass out. Then we moved on to what they called a dead man something or other, couldn't really tell with the accent these guys have but I was like what the fuck is that.  I knew these guys were gonna fuck me up sooner or later just not this soon.  But to my surprise, its just letting your body limp and the other guy dragging you around then eventually picking you up over his shoulder using no particular technique. I dont want to toot my own horn, but, TOOOT TOOOT. The machine had a hard time throwing my ass around, but when my turn was up, I had no problem. This is where I would like to think all the fat girls in my past, without letting me throw you around naked and drunk, i would not be the man I am today. So, thankyou, again.

They finally let me go after some more casual talk and getting to know each other.  I walked back to my apartment, and couldnt help but think, what the hell did I just get myself into. Peer pressure is a mother fucker.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Reading Rainbow for Adults!

Tropical Storm Hermine landed and passed.  Nothing serious, but, it was enough to close down many roads in San Antonio for a few days due to the rising creeks, and trust me there are a shit load. So stuck in the apartment for two days I deccided to pick up a few books my roomate had around. I managed to read three in two days, they where not books I would normally read, but I recently went to half price books and sold back all the books I had aquired over the years. Had I not done that, I probably would have reread a couple of them and retained the little intelligence I thought I had.

For the first time since grade school I read a book with pictures in them. No, they weren't Cat in the Hat or The Velveteen Rabbit, they were autobiographies about a football team in Texas, Jenna Jameson, and Tommy Lee. Friday Night Lights was one that I really enjoyed, it talked mainly about the racial divide in a rural Texas town in the eighties. Its plot was loosely set on Friday night football and the amazing things it can do for a poor and economically stresssed town, but, it quickly took a detour and wrote in detail about the flawed educational system, the oil idustry; its bloom and bust, and rivalries between two neighboring towns that caused them to maliciously hurt each other rather then unite and become a stronger community.

I have to admit I was hopeing to read more about teen drama, and sexual drunkin stories, but there wasnt any stories recanting the sexual experiences involving a football star named Bobby Ray with the captin of the cheer squard Betty Jean underneath the bleachers. I finished the book and moved into something that would give me what I really wanted.  A story with juice, drama, and sexual deviency. Jenna Jameson's. How to make Love like a Porn Star. A cautionary tale.

Nope, 500 pages later, most of which where pictures, the book should have been written in crayola. This book is a good read for strippers, pornstars, and any young woman out their looking to break into the mutimillion dollar sex industry. As well as any sexual repressed women looking to live bicariously through a "respectable" whore...uh, I mean a "sexualy enlightened" woman using her sexuality as a tool to give herself a sense of empowerment. A how to manual if you will, followed by small stories of sex, drug abuse and teen agnst.  It was one of New york Times best Sellers, after I finished the book  I couldnt help but think "damn, theres allot of fucking strippers and porn stars in the world as well as those formentioned, either way theres a shit load out there!"

But it did give insight to how "strippers" are just like ordinary good church going folks, looking to get ahead in life.(If you didn't get my sarcasim then please stop reading.)  I know what I was reading and who it was written by, I will say, I have never been a fan of her on camera, and have never wanked to her. Thankgod, because that would have made my reading expericene much more uncomfortable. She glorified stripping and porn so much it turned me off to the whole idea, here I was jerking off to women who I thought were just dirty whores when in fact there where just hard working women like my grandmother. I havent watched porn sense, but I see what you did Jenna, you made me see that women are not just lustful objects to drool or fantasize over, rather women exploiting the immature mentality of grown men with an apetite for things that could never obtain. Im not a fan of strip clubs to begin with anyway, but, I will never step foot into one now. I have never purchased a porn DVD but when I do, I will make sure the movie was produced and sold by companies that do not exploit their "actresses" and show utmost respect for them regardless of how many men dump cum on their face or breasts. To all the men that think strippers like them, I advise you head over to the nearst bookstore or an online site and buy a used copy of this how to book. It will change your mind about serval myths and taboo's within the sex industry, granted it is just a ploy to take your hard earn dollars ,but, it will also open your eyes in ways you couldn't pathom. If you like not knowing then I'd advise to not read this book. If your wife or girlfriend want to read this book by all means buy it for them. She might be inspired to do that dirty thing you fantasie about so much.

 Over all this book was good, but, it didnt not staisfy the jucie I was looking for, I moved over to Tommy Lee's book.  The cover was the least attractive of the other two books but to my surprise, He gave me what I was looking for.  The guy really surprised the shit out of me with that one.  It was funny and full of good stories. He didnt glorify his life or make it out to be the best ever, or try to persuade you to be a drummer or rock and roll stud.  He didnt rant and rave about the system he was a slave to or regret that he choose to be a slave to the system like the other books.  I laughed and enjoyed his tales,I didn't put the book down enlightend, but I didn't expect to from this author, but, I walked away knowledgeable about several things.  All men do see their penis as a human being and often talk to it in private( I thought I was the only one), stay away from drugs,  a threesome with two chicks is overrated and should be done as a foursome with three chicks. Football jocks are just large pieces of meat used to benefit coaches, school districrts and cheerleaders, and pornstars and strippers are just there for the enterainment of the rich and famous.

After reading these books, I know someday I would eventually be more knowledgeable and wiser, someday, but today I realized yet again what was I thinking judging a book by its cover.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Knight In dull armor!

It has been an eventful week. Disturbed and crazy? No. But, I felt as though I was a clumsy hopeless romantic character in a film played by Cameron Diaz, or Kevin James' character in Hitch. Lets start with Monday, after the 31st birthday I decided to settle down a little bit. I said a little, not marriage or girlfriend. But, slow up in the booze department and late nights and focus more on health and meaningful sex, by meaningful, I mean remembering the first and asking for the last name and hopefully waking up with a smile instead of wanting to gnaw my arm off at the elbow joint to escape that embarrassing morning after sex. So, this particular Monday I strolled over to my apartment complex gym to do a little stationary biking. In order to get to the gym you have to enter in through the pool which is not a bad route by any means. There is always women  tanning and always in the smallest swim wear known to man. Since I have become a regular at the gym, I have met quite a few friendly faces.  Nothing extreme just a simple friendly smile followed by a shy hello. This day I strolled around the pool with my head held high, shoulders back, and gut sucked in, trying to give myself a slimmer profile and that's when I saw my little friend, crying while talking on the phone. Judging from the tears, expressions, and tone of her voice it was definitely a boyfriend or soon to be ex.

I finished my 2 minute workout which seemed to never end and pretended to stretch the muscles  that I felt were about to rip off the bone. A half bend at the waist and a slight touch of the toe which was accomplished by forcing my longest finger to stretch as far as it could  and with the help raising my toe, the toe touch was accomplished and my cool down was complete! I exit the gym exhausted and my little friend is still there.  During those 2 minutes of hell I was thinking about my last relationship and how hard the break up was. Good thing I had very good friends to support me and get shit faced with then have the patience or the ability to block out my drunken rants of anger. After studying her tight body very carefully, I noticed she was drinking alone, everyone knows if you have friends and your going through a breakup one of your friends will be there.  But none where in sight.  So, as I passed  her trying not to breath like a fat boy running for a snack.  I said hi and asked if she was ok. She nodded yes then with a look of confusion she started to tear up again.  At that point I knew I would be there for awhile, I asked if she wanted to talk about it.

To my surprise she holds nothing back, she moved form another city to San Antone, lives  alone, he lives with his cousin on the northeast side of town and she caught her boyfriend of four years cheating on her during a pregnancy scare, her parents hate him but she loves him. She caught him twice before cheating on her, and now she was fed up with it, she was going to break her lease and move back where she came from the next day. She asked my view point and why he did what he did, and a simple "he's just an asshole that's all" was uttered from my mouth which was dying for some fucking water.

I then start making jokes, trying to make this pretty girl laugh was my only goal at this point, any advice given to her would not only fall on deaf ears,but, I didn't want to come across as a guy she can vent to, I wanted to be the guy that she can have Mandingo sex with to help her move on from this tragic relationship!
So, I stared to ask silly questions about there time together and spinned it into sexual jokes. Granted I had to put myself down and use me as the joke to not come across like a sex crazed man. And to my surprise it was actually working.

The conversation went into me telling her with a laugh to signal that  I was about to be full of shit. "you know what you should do? go out there and have a couple of strange one night hookups, cause you know the first guy that gives you the pipe you' re gonna be thinking about the ex,not that its a bad thing  but sex with a new person can be disappointing and uneventful.  thus, ruining the whole experience. Your gonna feel guilty like you cheated on your boyfriend, its going to be uncomfortable and you might think you did something really slutty and whore like" Which you did, but, but I don't judge and there is no need to feel bad for thinking about the ex. right?" A look of concern washed up across her eyes and at that point i felt that I had gone just a little too far. She then says with a sneaky smile" so what are you volunteering?"

Quick to be witty I chuckled and said " why would I want a woman I'm having sex with be thinking about anyone else besides me? Do I look crazy to you"  I said  as I threw my head back with a big laugh. At that point her phone rang, by the look on her face I could tell that it was him ,so, I excused myself before she answered, and we said our good byes.  As I approached the gate to leave the pool area I felt really good about making her laugh and lending my ear, and I actually listened, about 50 feet after the gate, I could not help but laugh at what the fuck just happened. An open invitation to stranger sex and I freaking tanked it. Maybe not an open invitation cause god doesn't like me that much to place a gorgeous woman at my feet like that. But, at least a feeble attempt to answer yes would have been better than my original reply.  I should have replied "hell yea I'm volunteering, I love charity work and giving of myself to help the needs of others. and if she asked "are you serious" I would have answered with"  what? why would it bother me, What ever it takes for you to bust a nut would  not only make my job easier, but, I would  feel like I did something to help  you  in your grieving process, what kind of man would  I be not helipng a  woman in need, her "Knight in Shining Armor" if you will. Then I would have picked her up in my arms and ran to the closest aprtment! I  may have been exhausted from my 2 minute workout, but I would have had to dig deep to find an extra burst of energy before she changed her mind!

My man card has been suspended quite a few times over the years and always based on taking the wrong woman home or by not living by the man code. Yes ladies it is not a myth we actually have rules we live by, granted some are more stupid than others but what can ya do. But, this is the first time I will have my man card taken away and it was very well deserved.

After telling my experience on Monday, I hope she doesnt think I was a really "nice" guy!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

yes its been that long

I want to apologize to the ones that read this, havent really been doing anything crazy besides drinking beer, but no hookers.... yes i have in my past life, then again i believe in a religion that says we are reborn again, so according to that belief system, i was a pimp.  but, i havent been doing that for years, but i have been paying money for dates and still dont get shit. Ive dated nice college educated women, church going women hell i even been out with a jewish girl (and i was told all three types were sluts or whores)and you know how they love money,after 5oo bucks spent total on 2 dates and i still couldnt even have my penis licked!! hell if i was at the wourld cup in africa, i'd give a bag of rice to a bush girl to just lick the penis, she'd be so grateful i fed her family for a month, she"d probably let me sleep with her sister at the same time maybe even the medicine man...if i was in to that sort of thing!!  Hell I have heard guys complain after spending 30 bucks on drinks and get mad cause all they got was a blowjob.

This week has been bad.  Only because I swore i would never have sex with a drunk "fat"girl, "fat" girl on drugs, and even girls I cant bench (fat girls), I push 350(wieghts) but I was always more than willing to go more....Hey in my defence, you can"t get stronger till you max it out! So im guessing that all the people that read this blog, heard that I swore I WOULD NEVER do those types of girls again. Just on the record... should have never said that. I havent gotten laid in so long, i should just not call myself a man anymore. But this week has been a will of  testement and stregnth, they have been coming at me so hard, I broke 3 ugly sticks, gave away an abscene amount of twinkies and ho ho's just to throw them off my sent.

But something happened. I was away on "business" and one of the forementioned described in the paragraph above...happened to catch me slippin, I had 12 beers and a botlle of makers mark in my system(750 ml botlle to be exact on the rocks of course).  We went to the after party, of course what business trip would not be complete without an after party. So i go inside to pass the hell out...yes thats how much i drank, i was the first to call it quits. All i remember is saying "sorry babe (cause I didnt remember her name... no ladies im not that bad at names I just have a hard time remembering names. ) i have wiskey dick, "so she said I'll help you out, at this point im like fuck it, I swore i would never do this again so I said i have no condoms. She jumped up said i'll be right back i'm gonna go get some." I wake up to the feeling of wanting to fart and shit at the same time. I wouldnt be damn if this chick had her finger in my ass. Of course I didnt ask which was a fucking finger, at least at that point i was praying it was. I jump up thinking im in harris county on a dui charge in the drunk tank passed out with a black guy that wanted my socks.  So i swing with a closed fist.  Next thing I hear is "oh you ike it rough......" and thats the last thing i heard.

I wake up not only feeling hung over but violated.  I took a deep breath and thanked god it was a woman. So my buddy was still passed out, and im thinking to myself i need to get the fuck out of here and you drove..So im awake looking and listening  at this chick and my buddies sister talking thinking she has big hands, i wonder what finger she threw up my ass to wake me up....Then i hear my buddies sister say im off this week lets go back home with them and this chick said hell yea, so ive been fighting off a bad one this week fellas and ladies. Ive been to the bar everyday this week, and have spent only 10 bucks i go have a beer and just sit there till its closing time hoping that when i unlock the house door she"ll be asleep, I worked out for 4 hours each day just to get away from the constant sexual coments and groping.......

Please tell me what the hell should i be thinking as i stay watch allnight hoping she dont come in my room like last night. I feel like i am on watch, im scared to close my eyes, scared to take a shower, and sure as hell scared out of my mind to drink.....

I know what im thinking, "when are they going back home!!!!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

It is what it is

I just realized something. And only tonight did I finally realize, Im the last of the Mochicans.  Tall, young, smart, and cooks, never married, no kids and stands six feet fall  and I work out three to four days a week. Granted I only work out three to four days a week so I can eat and drink what I want.  Then brag about the fact that if I didnt work out I would be much bigger. But, I cant get a piece of ass to save my life. Yes i am single, and if you read my blogs, you can probably see why. Women dont want to think they have men like me, they think their men are different. Shit the same way the women you are with dont want to think I"m your friend. I was reminded today, about my old schools ways.  The days where I said shit and I didnt give a fuck. If I still lived in htown, I would still be that same old guy, since I have moved here people think that I "grew up" nope, I just adapted to my surroundings. This town is so conservative and I am a natural hunter, so, I had to calm down my ways to catch dinner.

Tonight is the first blog that I write drunk.  So forgive my sudden change of subect, I am typin what comes to mind.  I am mad tonight... so i tried it, I wrote it as it came to mind then i proof read it as best Icould and upon reading my first draft it didnt work,so I deleted it.  I would have called out too many people that mean allot to me. So I will just use sayings that my father and other men taught me  what they think a man should live by, dont worry ladies, I will also share what important women in my life has shared. So I will share with you first.

"All men are assholes, just love the asshole that supports you and your family and dont beat it outside of bed."
"Let him think he's man, cause his friends(male) probably dont know how to be one either"
"Let him get drunk and act like an ass, I bet you have a friend(female) that thinks your man is better"
"No matter how long you have been married, he will always try to put it in your ass"
"if he eats it, he loves it, so turn on the lights"
"If he has never sucked a dick, how is he gonna tell you how to do it, if you do it he will like it no moatter what."---thats my favorite!
"you may think you want a big dick, until you have to fuck it every night, then your gonna think about your ex lover"
"If she complains about how small it is, she must be a whore"
"If you think your fat, so does he"
"If you think you ex lover was better when he is on top, guess who he is thinking about"
" I hope he calls me"
"A man that fucks you for longer than 10 minutes the first night you have sex is just showing off, a man that eats for 10 min shows he has a big appetite"

Since I grew up with nothing but women, I can go all night, but those are enough, time for the man quotes.

"Fuck the scientist, I will tell why men become deaf before women, everyone gets tired of the nagging."
"I'm glad you think ur dicks big, she did to until she told her friend!"
"If she thinks you did it, you probably did, just not with the friend she thinks is uglier or fatter then her."
"I've been around the block a time or two, and the only woman that is never jealous, had a baby without having sex"
"If you love her tell her, if you mean it ask her to marry her, to prove it do what she says....always."
"She will be handled like a whore and love it, till she has daughters or sons, then u change diapers"
"if she is mad that you drink with the fellas, better make it worth the rath"
"let her suck it first, she bleeds out of hers"
"dont ever ask if its big enough...ever"
"if she lets you lick her ass, she wants it in her ass"
"A woman that masturabtes thinks about you"
"We will never change, but they think we will, who am I to crush the dreams of others"
"She will never be pretty enough and some how thats our fault"
"only men that are lawyers have women that believe its never the mans fault"
"if she dont cook now, you would have wished you learned"
"When she is drunk your the man, when she wakes up next to you naked theres a chance you do 5 to 10"
"it is never her first time" thats my favorite too
"if she believed she was hot, she would like going to hooters"
"she likes chicks, just likes your dick better"

Friday, February 26, 2010

Just one of those days

I spent abut 20 minutes at CVS today day, trying to talk myself in and out of buying beard and hair dye. I woke up this morning and looked at myself to long in the mirror and notcied not a few grey hairs on my head, but it was like they trippled in numbers in the past few months, my beard, for get about it, it is totally white in some spots.  So, as I stood in that isle going over the different brands and prices, an old woman passed by and said "son, no since in coloring it, if its gonna fall out anyway." She had a solid point, but, now I was worried about my receading hair line! Was it that bad? It must have been for a blind old hag like herself to notice! So I placed the boxes back down and moved over to the rogain section of the isle, and stared at the different brands and prices.  I wouldnt be damned of that old lady swung back around and said "son, I think your better off spending your money on some razors."  There I was in the middle of the fucking isle about to body slam this 75 year old lady, when I calmed down and came to my senses, "respect your elder" popped in my head and said "yea your right mam, but I am growing out my beard on purpose,  if you would like, I can let you have the money to purchase  high fiber pills, or depends." Fucking lady bust out with, " you see son you can't change ugly".  How low did I feel at that point.  Hair is turning white, hair is falling out and I have a 75 year old lady bustin my fucking balls in the middle of CVS. Damn white old ladies are the worst.

As I walked out the store with my head in shame and embarrasment, I tripped and fell.  I was able to catch my self in a way as to not face plant on the damn sidewalk. And the fucking old lady crepped on by and asked if I needed to borrow her walker. I grinned, collected my self and just kept walking.  I got home and was just in total shock, I sat on the chair and after awhile I was like the fuck just happened. Why me? I am the last guy that needs to be fucked with by old white people.  I give them the right of way on the damn road, I dont honk or yell with impaitence when I see there blue head of hair just above the steering wheel, and a big ass blue handicap parking tag hanging from the rear view as they do 20 miles under the speed limit, residential or highway. When I am in the car with others and see them growing impaitent I simply say relax we will be there to one day.  I have stopped on the sides of highways to help them out, and smile with gratitiude when they hand me a quarter for a tip for changing there tire or giveing them a battery charge when they left there damn headlights on in the parking lot.  I think today is the day that I stop being nice to old ladies.  I will lay on my horn and tailgate hoping to incite a major heart attack. I will never again let them jump in front of me on a busy intersection. And if they are on the side of the road let AAA help em out. lmao

I will most likely contiue to be nice to old ladies, since my mother is that age and would like people to be nice to her, she's not anything like the "hell lady" at CVS, so I would imagine she wouldn't get treated with disrespect. But whereever you are Mrs. Queen Bitch of the geriatrics, I'll be watching out for you.  Until we meet again in that CVS you better watch your hunched back! For all I know she's probably a trained cage fighter and was looking for a fight today. She might have seen that snickers comercial with the lady from the golden girls and got pumped up.  But in the end, I learned something from her, no hair dye, no shampoo that gaurantees hair restoration will ever prevent you from growing old. Its life. But, me thinking that old ladies should be sweet and humble.shhiittt, not that one. What the hell was I thinking!?

Friday, February 12, 2010

VDAY my ass

I would like to wish all the happy couples a happy vday. Vday is a day I hate the most, no, not because I dont have anyone to share it with but because I  believe that society and media puts pressure on men to make it special.  I feel if you love your women tell her or show her 355 days out of the year.  Buy her flowers for no reason, well maybe not all the time,men have to be careful with that shit, cause according to womens magazines and friends, if a woman gets flowers out of the blue and its not a vday or bday, we are cheating! But thats not the point I am trying to make. This is my point.

Since I am a man, and speaking from a male point of view, I want to see women scurrying to find that man a special gift.  I want to see a man open a fucking box and say "she went to jared". I want to see women hustling at the flower shop to send their men a box of flowers. Why is it that on Vday, I only see men shopping and stressing!  Men dont ask each other "what did she get you for vday? We ask "what did you get your woman /girl?", when they do tell us and it was over 500 bucks our only reply is "man I bet she sucked the skin off your dick."  If he dont get that response, well, it was a shitty gift or she dont suck dick, which means she wont be around next year.

This day and age women are becoming more and more independent, they always think they dont need a man for shit, but when vday comes around they wish they had one. I hear from my single women friends "I'm alone for vday, its so depressing" what I want to say is no, its not. You just wish someone spent money on worthless shit to express that they love you so that everyone around you can see that someone loves you.  Get over it ladies, men only buy things for you on vday cause we fill we have to by society, we know that if we dont you will be pissed.  We also know that if we dont make it special your friends will talk shit about us and smart men know that if your best friends are not pleased, then you will not be pleased too.  And there is nothing worse than your best friend against us regardless of how big you say our dick is, hell she might say some shit just to break us up so she can really find out how big our dick is.

In the end spoil us for once, no, sex and blowjobs dont count on vday. We get those for bdays and enjoy them cause that is our one day to be spoiled.  Blowjobs and sex on vday is just showing us how good we did in making you feel loved and we lie there comparing the quality of it based on how much money we spent. we ar thinking "Damn she sucked a better dick on my bday, but ,tonight she aint doing what I know she is capapable of doing, she must have not like what I did for vday!" At that point we know you are just going thru the motions and we start thinking about your best friend and what she thought about the gifts you reiceved! Best friend is usually naked and doing a better job.  Damn did I just get men in women, Im just not thinking right is all~

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

"Cant teach an old dog new tricks"

I started out the evening at MedClinic, my roomate was really sick and so I took him. I wanted to say "suck it up bitch, I have been plenty sick and I drive my ass to and from and guess what I have no insurance so I also have to wait in pain at cvs cause they dont fax the fuckin perscribtion!!" Then again I rather have no insurance than have insurance under Obama's plan. Doh!  But, I couldnt, and I would have never said no.  He was at the hospital for me several times...he just didnt buy me fucking flowers! So in turns out he is fine, just has the flu, that means I will have it in about 2 days. So idecided to go out tonight while I was feeling good. I may be sick during the most important days of the week.(weekend) but I figure I would make it up tonight.  And I did.

Friends that read this, know I am the guy that really can care less, I can make best friends with just about anybody, mother, grandmother, father, primo, daughter you get it. Im charming, funny, and likeable based off those that love me...of course. Well just dont ask the ex's or women I scare away ,naturally.  Its like a resume, you dont put referrences on paper that might say some bad shit.

So I'm hanging at this bar, and this woman starts hitting on me. She was old. I can see it, everyone can see, but, you know me maybe she is just being friendly, needs someone to talk with it. I can do that, shit if things go right as old as she is she might have a daughter, niece, or grandchild, she could hook me up with. Yes alsways the business man, "maybe you cant do shit for me, but, you might know someone who can". Well, thats a polaticans stance, but I had to let that go based off the pictures that are circulating.

As it turns out she was 56, but got damn... judging from her plastic surgey she was a rich 56 year old with a 55 year old body.    Some might say damn thats old, shit, in my famliy thats the same age as my oldest brother. So she comes on strong," hey big boy can I buy you a drink" as she clutches my right arm. "hell yes you can, but, I only drink the finest" i say with a smile and a flex of that right arm muslce." when she tells me "you dont look like a scotch man" I tell her "your right, we both can see the bottle of miller light infront of me, then again you dont look like a pedophile" She busted out laughing. Nice to meet a women with a since of humor. "Johhny walker blue" she yells to the bartender. At that pont I knew he was pouring a one once shot that was 15 bucks.  I didnt know if I was excited about the fine liquid that was about to touch my lips or the shame I was about to put myself through for that price. Hell I want chicks to flat out show me there ass if i buy them one domestic beer, imagain what I would have to do for this shit, thats like  6 beers from that point of view.

We talk about the usual shit, the place, the weather, the music, favorite food, and then the question, how old are you.  I say 30, she says, I was hoping you were 25. I'm like why, and on all that is holly, she says, 25 they fuck with hard dicks, at 30 they fuck to bust a nut before they go soft. I laughed but not to be out witted, I quickly  say how old are you she says 55, I told her, I wish you were younger than thirty she says why, young enough not to care how I was fucking just glad I dont have kids. , any older, i have to worry about denture glue on my sheets you've seen the commercial, guy with hard had hanging 100 feet in ther air...cmon.

At this point she tells me, I think I like you, You aint scared of shit, since im on a roll, I say maybe you didnt hear me...denture glue. Turns out she was a dallas cowboy cheerleader, kids my age that are gradutating from medical and law school. She almost had me, then again I almost had her, normaly I go with the flow but tonight I just had to talk myself out it. I was too scared, I knew that woman would have done some things to me, that would have spolied my ass. It might have been the greatest night of my life, but you cant teach an old dogs new tricks, but you can always teach a young dog, and tonight I was to young and scared to be taught anything that I could never teach. What the hell was I thinking!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Too much time on my hands

I was hanging out on the man sofa watching boxing tonight low key nothing much to it and chattin it with a buddy I was use to work with. Can you say bill collector ya'll... worst job of my life, well 9 months of my life. Yeah, I was amazed I lasted that long too showing up to work drunk as much as I did.  Not that I was drunk from the night before, no I am too responsible for that shit, I'm the guy on time with a smile and a few jokes. Lets just say that wasnt water I was drinking all day.  It  did make the job allot easier though.  Anyway him and his girl recently broke up.  Deep down I was thinking sweet! I got my drinking buddy back. But, I was sad on the outside, breakups can be a bad thing or a good thing. Depending on how we look it. But in the beginning its always tough for both people involved. So naturally I asked why? He told me she was too selfish.  Being the sensitve guy that I am, I wrote back, "just because she doesnt like giving blow jobs doesn't make her a selfish person maybe she only spends time on cocks bigger than 3 inches." No I didnt put it that way, I actually wrote it like this. Selfish huh? You know in man language that means she wasnt giving you blowjobs right?  So was that the case? Got an "LOL!!!!!" but what I was really looking for was an "LMAO!!!" Yea he was hurting or probably didnt think it was that funny. Anyway, it got me to thinking. Man language? What the hell does that mean? For a second nothing came to mind, I said for a second.

We dont speak in a different language shit just registers in our minds a little different.  When my roomate asks "what do you fell like eating for dinner tonight? Pussy is gonna be my answer almost everytime. "Im going to the store to pick up some mike" my reply" ok I'll have a D cup".  Someone asks, I am going to the store you want me to pick you up anything? My answer "as a matter of fact, bring me back some hot pussy! oh, your not going to HEB? cornerstore? ah okay, huh, any pussy will do? Grocery store talk. Lets take automobiles for example.

A buddy will ask me about a chick at the bar, then go on to explain certain sex positions and my reply. "oh yeah, I bet she rides like a cadillac" Of course I get this look like what the fuck you talking about. And with an arrogant grin and a wink say, "you must have never driven one." Then there is the  girl you want to be on when your going off road.  Rides like an F150 and built ford tough. Meaning big enough to take a beating but not so big to where you can't manuever it in tight corners. You have your luxury sedans mercedez, bmw's etc etc..  Sleek, sexy, and too much fucking money to afford. But you can always rent or lease one!   American made sports cars, cheap and fast for the base model, higher end model still cheap and fast just a sucker for spending the money on it. Then there is the girl thats like a busted up 1979 monte carlo CL, damn good car, but no one took care of her just  needs some fixing up. You got your SUV women, like to take on allot of pasengers. Your mopeds, thats an old joke but too good to pass up. The girl you have fun riding but wouldn't want your friends to see you on one. Your motorcyle chicks, likes big vibrating things between the legs well most women do  but in this case most likely a lesbian a butch lesbian, girls on scooter lipstick lesbians! I can really do this all day but I'll stop for now.

Anyway, past my bed time, I couldn't sleep, I think my body is thinking "its friday night not one drop of booze no porn on the tub, let me keep him up he is fucking up the rotation."  Hope everyone decided to drink allot of booze and made some bad decisons.  Many of time I have done that and woke up wondering what the hell was I thinking?

Friday, January 29, 2010

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I woke this morning with the sun on my face, drool on the side of my check and a nice stiffy, then it set in...back pain, ankle pain, jaw and shoulder pain, as I flung my legs off the bed and brought my body to a sitting position and forced myself to stand up anticipating my knees to lock relaying a message to my brain to lay the hell back down.  To my surprise no pain today in that region, "damn it was the start of a good day already" I thought with a smile. No people I never played football. When I was younger I thought I dont want to wake up when I'm older and not be able to get out of bed.  But, years of running, biking, hiking and weight training did the job anyway.  That and the occasional street disagreements. You know, where the street didnt agree with the bicycles tire pressure and threw you over the handle bars.  Happened more times than I wanted to. I was so good at it, that one year while riding in the MS150 which is a bicycle ride from Houston to Austin Tx, and won "most likey to fall off the tricyle award" complete with certificate and a framed team photo.  I think I face planted about 5 different times in 2 days. Got knock the fuck out on one. In my deffense, none were my fault except one, it was the last mile of the ride and we could see the finish line, we were giving hi fives and cheering, I wasn't looking and bam, off the bike for the last time, needed stiches in my right knee, but I finished. The second one was a piece of cake no spills. I think the only injury I have that I look back and regret is the shoulder. I picked a guy over my head and gave him a proper body slam to get out of a choke hold, and snap...shoulder dislocated.  I get to the bathroom turn on the shower derobe and stare into the mirror, Checking the grey hair in my beard then slowly looking at the head to check out the damage there and receading hair line.  I puff my chest up turn sideway, suck in the gut, flex the arms, take a deep breath and laugh out loud that I was actually doing that.  As I looked at my aging features and scars  I couldnt help but wonder why in the hell my ankle was hurting so bad today. 

My ankle has had some major damage, but, as I gazed in the mirror I thought about  the only time I really fucked that one up, was when I was trying to get a lady in a huckle buck position and as I manuvered into position to plant my foot to drive it in, I rolled it pulling a ligament.   Yea, imagaine explaing that one to the orthopedic. That wasnt the worst part, the worst was when I fell off I tried to catch myself with my left arm and my shoulder dislocated, now trying to explain that to your mother so you can go see the orthopedic.  The look on this poor girls face was freaking priceless. No doubt she shares that story with her friends and family till this day.  Go Horns wherever you are girl!  There I was buck ass naked with a swollen ankle,my arm out of socket, the look of defeat and shame with three bags of ice. One for the ankle, the other for my shoulder and the third for my blue balls.  But I dont feel bad about that one, shit happens, and I had fun doing it.  The mirror begins to steam up so I turn and jump in the shower. When I was done I dry myself take my ass to my bed room and get changed.  I return to the bathroom to add the finishing touches, line the beard up, fix the hair, all while trying not to look in the mirror as much. And I had one of those moments, where at first glance, the hair looks just right, the lines and the length of the beard are perfect and the clothes fit just right. You smile and think damn I look good today. You walk out the house with the John Travotla/Tony Minelli strut, point to neighbors with that playa swag and smile. Hope in the truck, that perfect song is on, you hit all the green lights, stop off to get some gas, the chick at the pump smiles at you. You turn to put the gas nozzle in the gas tank and you see an old buddy from college, he comes over to greet ya, and says "damn bro you gain some weight" Fucking asshole. Fucking Mirror will do some shit to ya I swear. Damn thing lies, but i dont know whats worse, the fact that it lies or that I actually believed it.  So I get home and head to the bathroom to release some body fluid and couldnt help but check myself out in the mirror again. I lean forward and whisper..  Mirror Mirror on the wall who's the hottest of them all. To my surprise I heard  "Oh Jake im not a fake, i have to admit its not you o kind sir, although I must confess I see the biggest bullshiter of them all"

I think I'm gonna take my buddies advice and intsall a circus mirror in the bathroom. Damn fairy tales aint worth a shit anyway...what the hell was I thinking!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

An Irish Wish

Quick update from the last post, the Rockets whooped on that spurs ass! and Yes I was on TV, not only do I have a pick of this occasion but I also have a video clip! Thanks to my boy in htown and DVR! I dont give away names on the blog cause, well, fuck my political carreer, but I keep names on this page a secret to protect others in case they run for office. But you know who you are kid. We spent the first 2 quarters hearing a bunch of shit talk and well in this photo, we had just been trashed talked by a bunch of cowgirl/spur fan.  I wrote it right, they are the same.  So i have on my best dont fuck with me stance.

But this blog is not about that night and all the fine ass women that I wish were rockets fans, cause I dont believe in Interleague relationships! Tonight, took me on a different adventure. A buddy of mine and my roommate, well, more my roomates friend than mine, I've only know him for about 2 years,  his grandfather passed away on Sunday. From what I understand, he was one of the greats. Most men from that generation are(70 plus years of age).  World War II vet who served with honor and valor in the Navy, and retired an officer from the US Airforce.  He was Irish Catholic, drank like a fish, ate nothing but read meat and potatoes and never missed a day of work.  Yup, the symptoms of a great man.  His grandchild is about thirty four or so who decided to drop by our house tonight, I would have liked to believe that he didnt want to be alone, maybe a shoulder to cry on, nah he needed someone to drink with.  What better place than this.

My rooomate jumped on the call, headed to the store and bought some beer, I was on the couch just chillin, drank about four beers watching the State of the Union Address. I hear what happened with irishmans grandfather and prepared myself for an all nighter of booze and tears. Well, lets just say I mistook my full blooded Irish friend.  Irishmen dont cry! I should have known better. This guy wears an authentic kilt on St. Patricks day that is how irish he is.  He stands just over and inch taller than I, about  6"2, with hands the larger than  a goddamn grizzly bear with strawberry read hair, naturally...he is Irish. When I say Irish I mean Irish. At first glance one would think this guy is one of the actors on Brave Heart throwing stones with Mel Gibson, not as ugly though. So, he gets here drinks the crown I didnt finish the night of the rockets game, I down about 4 more beers, my roomate starts to get lazy eye, and I hear hey man you want to head up to a bar. Well, I hate going to a bar at 1230 at night for one, 2...If its that late I hate going sober. But, what the hell I thought, the man needs a drinking buddy. SO the first bar we hit up, he says it was lame wich it was, but what he really meant was no fat chicks.  I think it was fat chicks, cause when your depressed and wanting to get wasted what other type of women would want.  I'm just saying cause thats what I heard once.

We then move to Bakers street pub with 2.50 makers mark. Oh yeah, burbon baby, burbon. But of course they just ran out. So, it was only fitting that we drink scotch. We have a glass, then another, then another, next thing I know, he is hitting on the bartenders while buying them shots and well, I am hitting on them too  I if you think "hey, my friend thinks you hot and whats to know your name" aakkwwaarrd.  She smiled bashed her eyes flipped her hear and reached out to shake my hand. Not that him yelling was a bad thing, but I was a bartender back in the day, and well, they are by far one of the hardest things to pick up...let me rephrase that, they are one of the hardest ones to keep intrested. But, dont tell my buddy that, and I think the fact that he didnt care probably made the situation better. I dont kiss and tell and tell and kiss. I wont leave anything left to your imagination, cause, I am writing this at 230 in the morning! But it was nice, a number, a wink, a free drink. Will she be the next ex girlfriend probably not. Will I call her...probably not.  So we end the night, polishing off the ice that still had scotch and parted ways. But in honor of his grandfather an old irish wish.

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be ever at your back
May the Good Lord keep you in the hollow of His hand.
May your heart be as warm as your hearthstone.
And when you come to die
may the wail of the poor
be the only sorrow
you'll leave behind.
May God bless you always.-anonymous

Friday, January 22, 2010

Bout Time

I think I have become my father after all. Im not working on a dredge boat in the gulf of mexico supporting 5 kids at thirty. But, I do drink, smoke, and always up for a proper fist fight. Which doesnt exist anymore. Anyway, tonight me and a couple of boys are heading up to the Spurs Rockets game. I hate the spurs just as mush as i do the cowboys. So I want to spend as little money as I can in that hell hole of a stadium. So I decided to hit the hard stuff, crown and seven. After pouring my first drink, little on the seven of course, and after the first cig, it was kind of boring. So i turned on some music, country to be exact. Whiskey and Country just seem to go hand and hand, beer and tejano, burbon and Jazz, and scotch with frank. Sinatra of course, wine with percy or with a great steak, an illegal substance and tequilla with metaclia, of course.

Anyway, when I was a kid my dad would be home on a friday or sat and close the door to the room and crank up my sisters stereo to some old country tunes and I would have to go in and check on him to make sure his glass wasn't empty. He would sit infront of the speakers and just listen. I always thought something was wrong until today. I caught myself doing the same thing. And it was mind blowing, I felt the music in a different way today. I was alone, and a little lonely but in a damn good mood. Then I started thinking about all the good times I've had over the years, of course different songs for diffferent memories. I also remeber the last time I figured oput why my father did the things he did. My father would come home sometimes and forget to close the bathroom door, and me being my fathers little shadow, I would peek in on him, and he would place his right hand on the wall infront of him and put his weight on that arm, so naturally I would try to mimick that move, it wasn't till my 21st birthday when I figured out that, that particular move had a purpose, I was too drunk to balance myself so I placed my hand on the wall and leaned into it. And at that moment I thought to myself "Oh shit , dad must have had to much fire water"! My father has never really had issues with depression, he is a very strong man, "get up and put on leg infront of the other" is what he would always tell me if I had a bad day, or if one of those "proper fist fights" didnt go my way(damn those 2 sucked)lol . I think when he was in that room, he was probably doing what I was doing today, well, maybe he was just tired of arguing with the wife about being out at bars all night, but, I would like to think it was what I was doing, who knows I might have a different view point if I get married and catch myself doing the same thing today.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Lelo (le'-lo), a word that was invented by a close friend. Over the years it has come to mean so many different things. It is basically a word that can be used as a noun or verb and in some cases an adjective. It is the equivalent to the Italian phrase "forgeta bout it". Johnny Depp character Donnie Brasco in "Donnie Brasco" does a great job trying to explain its meaning to his cop buddies. Lelo, is along the same lines. Lelo can mean fucked up drunk. But, one can be drunk and not be lelo. Let me explain. I'm drunk, my eyes are blood shot and I probably could just use a glass of water, I walk up to the bar anyway and tell the bar keep what I want, I yell "miller" at that moment she turns around pops the top and serves it up. I'm just a drunk guy trying to get more drunk. If I stagger up to the bar, with a piss stain on my crotch, and manage to annoy people next to me, either by flirting with their fat women, or my bambi legs are starting to give out casuing me to bump those around me as I yell "iller" then have to say it again, "iller", then get frustrated cause the bartender can't speak drunk, I get cut off and want to fight about it, at that point I am "Lelo."

Lelo can also mean idiot or stupid. example. "dude, I went all the way to the grocery store to buy some beer and I forgot my wallet" to which my buddy replies "pinche lelo" Note, that I am not drunk or have not been drinking.

Lelo can also be used to describe a sober radom stranger, in this case a fuckin idiot. You see a guy with his pants to his knees, which looked like four cans of starch was used on them, he stands all of 5 foot 3, complete with big gold chains, a fake white Chincilla coat(its about 76 degrees outside) sunglasses(about 10 at night in a club) all wile pointing and saying whats up to people from across the room using a side ways peace sign. One can say this is gehtto lelo. There is country lelo, tejano lelo, asian lelo, and wetback lelo.

It can also explain a hangover. But not just any I have a head ache hangover, you have to get all "lelo" at a party and be the only "lelo" at the party taking shots and trying to get everybody to get "lelo" with you, you smoke 3 packs of cigarettes even if you don't smoke, try to convincr a buddy to go to a strip club even if you are broke, get mad when he says no, even if you forgot about what you were asking him to do, fall asleep in the yard even though you swear it was on the couch and throw up on yourself even though you didn't have anything to eat all day. Upon wakeing up in the morning, your throat and chest are sore from thowing up and dry heaving all night, piss stains on your pants, grass in your hair, at that point you realize you made an ass out of yourself the night before. Call your buddy up to apologize or to see what happened, you have to start with "dude I woke up all lelo this morning!" to which your buddy responds "I can just imagine, you were fucking lelo last night!"

Since this word is derived from some Mexican slang mumble jumbo. It is also feminine. Hence LELA (le'-lah), it can be used to describe a womans looks or actions. You look up and see a chick dressed in a black spandex tube dress weighing a deuce, if you look close enough you can see the outline if her granny panties! At this point you lean over to your buddy and say in excitment "look at this lela" Again the reason she is lela(state of mind) What the fuck was she thinking she must be fucking nuts to think she looks good.

If she is a hot chick and has a ring on her finger you look at the guy that is attached to her like a humping dog and notice he is gehhto lelo, asian lelo, tejano lelo, country lelo, or boy band lelo, the common response would be " pinche lela, " then we both turn and pay no attention after that.

It can also be use to describe a horny ass chick. You see the girl drunk as hell grinding on every guy around her seeking attention and trying to make out with everyone. You turn to your buddy and point "look at that lela" In most cases for a single guy being lela is music to our ears and a hevanly sight!

lelo is a state of mind, cause if you are lelo you are not thinking at all. it is the next level above stupidity and drunkeness. You can also be lelito (le'-lee-tow). Which is one level before lelo. You go to a bar and have six drinks, and get turned down by a cocked eyed big girl, you drive home in shame. your buddy asks "hey bro you get lelo last night" to which you respond "lelito, no mas".

Notable lelos.

ME- couple times a year
Michael Jackson, that's right I said it.
Mike Tyson
O.J and everyone who thought he was innocent.
Al Bundy
David Koresh
Chris Brown
Kanye West
Kim Il Sung

Notable Lela's
Lady Gaga
Paris Hilton
Tonya Harding
Peggy Bundy
Tia Tequllia
All of Hugh Hefners girl frineds-except those that were before his 45th birthday.
Carrie Prejean(my kind of lela)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

For your Entertainment only

Today has been a long day. Fustrating yet pleasing. I spent the most of the morning trying to go back to sleep, when that didn't work, I got up and showered, dressed, shaveed, and drove to an autoparts store. My truck has been over heating, and after a week of talking mechanic bullshit with every male friend I know, I think we have all come to the conclusion that it must be the thermostat. The reason a week went by, well, when it comes to car trouble every man has an opinion of what it is. The only knowledgeable person ever to diagnosis a car, is a fuckin mechanic. But we men like to think we know the problem cause 1, it happened to one of our old cars back in the day, 2, it happened to a friend and his truck was doing the same thing 3, it happened to their wives or girlfrineds car.

Little do they tell you, that an overheating truck can be caused by many scenarios, radiator, heating coil, hole in the coolant resivor,tires aren't rotated, the tire pressure in your spare tire is get the point. All kinds of shit, so for now I am going with the cheapest fix; the thermostat.

I get home and look up on line "how to remove a thermostat", couldn't find a damn thing, "diagram of heating systems in an F150", I couldnt find a damn thing. But I type in a word like midget and all kinds of free shit to look at is at your disposal. Midget porn, midgets with animals, mom with midget, I type in Tire, I get skinny guys humping fat chick, I type in spare tire, I get skinny couple fucking fat chick. Im sitting here trying to find something usefull for once and I cant find anything. Fustrated I give up and check out one of those spare tire links!

Well I didnt, it was too early in the day, so I read the news and that was a mistake, it always is, cause I always read the damn articles that just get my blood boiling. But I couldn't pass up this title. "Avatar-Induced Depression: Coping With The Intangibility Of Pandora" You've got to be kidding me I thought to myslef. But finishing the article they werent fucking kidding.

The first paragraph in the yahoo article read. "The beautiful alien planet Pandora depicted in James Cameron's 'Avatar' is so captivating that some audience members are becoming depressed and even suicidal when they fail to find meaning in real life after the film is over." So naturally I just had to read on.

It goes on to explain that people are posting comments for a support group. I saw the movie, it was great entertainment, a little to much "Dances with wolves" plot for me, but, it was good. In no way shape or form did I come home feeling depressed. If anything I was more angry with the price of admission and concession treats. I may have felt a little gassy from the tub of popcorn and large coke I ingested during that 3 hour movie. I thought ok maybe I can see what they are saying cause you know I dont want to be too "close minded" Then I read this shit:

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it. I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.'"

Gotdamn on that is holy, what kind of fucking idiots do we live among. At that point I went close minded and felt no compasion for the person who wrote that. I would like to have mailed this person a bootleg version of this movie, complete with pain pills, bootle of booze, and a gun loaded with one bullet. Good bye to the world care package if you will. I figured this idiot would have watched it several times to get in the "I'm gonna kill myself mood", maybe realize its not worth it and try the pain pills and booze to feel better about themselves. I figured if those two substances together made me feel good, why wouldnt it work on someone else. Of course I'm not trying to off myslef over a movie so it would push this idiot towards that line and the hand gun to finish the job. Look, I really get it trust me, you know how many times I have watched porn and and after about 2 mins felt shame and depreesion come over me as I cry and clean myself off! It's like I want to reach out and be in that porn. I'd do anything to be in the main stud in Twatt for two. Sometimes I lie in bed and I've tried so hard to dream about me being the pizza delivery guy in a speedo and rock hard body that would be my "Avatar" but it hasn't worked nor will it.

People just need to get a grip, shit happens, shit dont go right, learn to deal with it. I dont know if this person saw the same movie I did, but, hopefully they noticed how dangerous that fuckin world is. All kinds of strange fucking creatures trying to eat your ass! White man trying to kill your entire race cause of the minerals your land posses. Your fucking 10 feet tall, blue, four fingers and have a godamn tail! You right offing yourself might be the best thing for you. Not for me thank you! If you dont like camping, fast food, ac, internet, social networking sites,all the things that we think make us live comfortable then move your fucking dumbass to the damn amazon. They only thing I would like the movie to inspire are todays scientist, to get a move on in the field of nanotechnology. So that one day I could have my own porn star avatar!ANd I thought movies were for entertainment purposes only, what the hell are other people thinking!?