Thursday, October 29, 2009

Killing Lions

Nothing new going on in the personal life. No crazy stories no nothing. Then again I haven't been drinking. I have been in Houston the last couple of weeks on business. So it's not like I can get bent all sides ways at my favorite Houston watering hole, pick up some strange and deranged women and bring them back to the parents house. I would imagine I could, but, I would hate to wake my parents up in the middle of the night to the sounds of whales mating! Could give my poor folks a heart attack or something.

But, I have been male bonding with my father, not that we have a bad relationship, its great, but, living in San Antone these past couple of years has put a strain on our relationship. Feel like we have lost touch a little bit. We are usually able to look at each other from across the room and a simple grin be on the same page. Then I sat back and realized that we haven't lost touch at all. We are just two men at different stages of our lives. One filled with pride and confidence ready to take what the world has to offer and the other filled with pride and confidence that he has taken everything the world gave him and made it work.

When I was younger my father stood eight feet tall, killed lions with his bare hands, and drank whiskey from the largest of bottles.

My dad is 69 now and judging from his weathered hands and sun damaged skin I'd say he proved what I knew all along, just a little shorter now. My dad told me a fucked up story the other day and I'm sure there was a message in there somewhere. He has never been the one to lecture. I can't remember a day that he ever did. But he always knew when I needed some advice. He would just tell me a story. We were sittin on the couch the other day bullshittin and telling jokes, of course my mom was not home, otherwise we wouldnt have been talking like a bunch of drunken sailors.

Anyway he tells me a story about one of his cousins and his cousins girlfriend. Dad was my age at the time, already married with about four kids. He was drinking his whiskey and shooting the shit when his cousin's girl makes a pass at him. My father being the man that he is, thanks her for the gesture and quickly degrades her. Words were exchanged and that was the end of it. Well, she goes back and tells his cousin that my father was making a pass at her and she was deeply offended. Words were then exchanged between dad and his cousin and all hell broke loose. The cousin takes out a gun and cocks the handle, my dad quicky slaps the gun down as the cousin raises it from just below his waist line. Dad picks up the gun, releases the clip and cocks the gun to remove the bullet from the chamber. Takes his knife from his back pocket tooses it to his cousin and says "here you mother fucker, if you want to kill me, your gonna have to get some blood on those hands." My father said that his cousin to a long look at him and then the knife and asked him to leave. The cousin married the woman had several kids, but, my father and him didn't speak for over 20 years. The man dropped by the house several years ago and him and dad drank some beers and thats when the cousin told my dad that he and the wife were divorced, the reason...she had been cheating on him for 10 years.

A quick" I ain't shittin you" was said in response to my laugh. I would like to say that my father went on to explain the conversation between the two of them or if they still keep in touch. But that was it. That short that simple. Knowing how he tells a story, I would have asked questions and he would have replied "shit I don't know what that son of a bitch was thinking", or "I didn't ask no questions I just left". So I kept my questions or comments to myself.

I'm sure there are allot of lessons to take from that one. The balls my dad had. Are you kidding me, I'm thinking to myself "let me disarm you and then give you another weapon to harm me?" I don't think so. The restraint from not wanting beat this shit out of him after a weapon was pulled. Especially coming from a man that got into a fight in front of church after the mass was over. Trust me it sounds bad, but its not, well only if you were the other guy,you would have to hear the whole story about that one later. I didn't understand why dad didn't go on to explain his side of the story. Then again, the cousin wouldn't have listened to him anyway, judging from his reaction to the whole situation.

In the end only time will tell what good his story will do for me one day. But, today I'm thinking I want to be just like my dad when I grow up. 8 feet tall and Killing Lions with my bare hands!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Longest night we all forgot!

I was at home tonight chillin with my parents and a best friend of mine brought up an old story. It was December 15 2002. A date that I could never forget. I had been dating this chick for about seven months, things between us was serious, but, I was too wild and afraid of commitment at the time. I hadn't brought her around any of my friends much, so, they didn't know too much about her. Besides none of my running buddies had serious girlfriends so why would I fuck up a good thing! Anyway, that weekend was her birthday and it just so happened that one of my oldest and closest friend shared the same birthday; December 15. It was trouble from the start. They both planned big birthday celebrations on the same day. I told the girl I was dating I would show up and would give her a call when I left my sisters house and let her know I was on my way to meet her and her friends. What she didn't know was that I was going to my friends birthday party first. I never showed up to her party and I didn't call her for days after that night. And here is the reason why, the night took me and three of my buddies on the longest night ever.

We started the night off at our friends birthday party. We drank, howled at the moon, and had a blast. Jello shots were passed around. Dancing and more dancing. Before I knew I had forgotten all about the girl I was seeing. Then we got the call... hot chicks and another party was going down in the Northside. Hell, why not!? Four young dirty southside studs looking to invade the northside! My buddy Peanut packed four guys in a 2 door green Honda civic Standard. Peanut was a guy I met freshman year in high school and been friends since. In that small ass car were 2 other big guys like myself. A big country redneck boy from Pearland,Tx named Bama. He lived in Alabama and told us a story of hunting for deer with buck shots and hound dogs, so we busted his chops for that then and till this day. Another white boy that claimed he was Mexican went with us, it took me a couple of years to come around to believe him. Didn't know him too much he was Peanut and Bama's boy

We hauled ass to the north side of town and this party was just going down. The DJ was busting old school jams, the whole back room of this house was gutted out, party lights, streamers, light show, smoke machine. It was a fucking Nightclub in the middle of the North Side Barrio. In the back yard the owner of the house had a craps table. From growing up in the southside and talking so much shit about northsiders these mother fuckers knew how to party! At the time we all got our kicks off when chicks were wearing thongs, yup, that's how long ago and young we were. We stood there staring with drunken eyes and and 22 year old boners. Then forget about it when these dirty girls started dancing on each other. We couldn't control ourselves. I drank so much that I blew chunks next to the craps table, my vision blurred, speech off center and legs were going out on me. About the same time my running buddies were just about to hit the same mode. And then all hell broke loose. Screaming, cussing, and swearing snapped my ass back into shape and I ran into the house.

Some guys at the party started fighting and this big ass brawl took place. Apparently there was a naked chick, someone with a gun, and someone else coming back with a gun that had just gotten out of prison. That was just way to much hard core shit for 4 pussies, so we checked the hell out of that place quick. Being with two white guys didn't help our situation either. We jammed back into the car and I passed the fuck out dreaming of daisies and thongs. When I came too, the car was swerving across five lanes and then back two, I shut my eyes and then I heard a click! Bama somehow managed to squeeze himself into the seat belt of that small ass car. I was afraid to even look at the way Peanut was driving and figured If we crash and die at least I wont see it. Our destination... back to our friends house in the southside...the safe side!

When we got there we pretty much sobered up, so it was back to drinking and bullshittin. Well, I thought I had sobered up until I fell off the back of a parked car. I was sitting on the trunk with a beer in the hand and saying dirty jokes. Bama apparently was in agreement with some off the wall nigger joke I said and leaned toward me to give me a high five. In my drunken state I swung my arm to meet his with a macho slap and missed his fucking hand. I do a 180 mid air twist and landed on my right shoulder, pain jolted up my arm as laughter and words of dumb ass filled the air, there I was laying in damp grass and beer spilled all over my chest. As I was helped up, the sight of a toddler bike caught my attention and the need to go for a bike ride was so overwhelming. I take it for a spin break the pedal and eat my shit again. That poor little girl was so upset that 9 years later she still remembers me as that big ass guy that broke her bike.

Everything started to wind down, well, not really but all the booze was gone. We drive back to peanuts house and I get in my truck to take off. By this time it was about 7 in the morning and I was spent. He offered to let me stay at his place but I was fine, the last drink I had was on me from when I fell off the damn car. I drove safe all the way home. I got about a block away from my house and decided to give the truck a little gas since I was in the clear. Next thing I know cop lights are flashing behind me. I pull over half a block away from my house. I was so close. I roll down the window and get the standard questions. When he asked if i had been drinking I said yea I was, last night. Technically I was correct, by this time it was 730 in the morning and I had my last drink just before midnight. But the thick smell of what the officer described as a mix booze, throwup, and piss filled the cab of the truck was enough to take me down. I was released on Tuesday afternoon. I told the story to my buddies exactly like it happened.

But what I told the girl I was seeing was a different story. She was so mad she never wanted to talk to me again so I did what any man would do when he likes a girl I lied!!!I told her I was picked up for DUI and was in jail about 7 pm the day of her party. Thats why I never called, answered any of her calls and would justly explain my no show. After showing proof that I was in fact locked up she forgave me and I was out of the dog house. But it didn't end there I milked that story for all that it was worth, told her i would never do something to ever hurt hur blah blah blah. I was safe, I had pulled off the biggest lie of my life. We were happy, I finally settled down and committed my self to her. She was part of the group everything was great.

We had just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and decided to meet all the guys up at cellar bar one night. We were sharing stories as usual. My girl was seated to my right Bama was in front of me, peanut, and the other white guy that was with us that night were off to my left. The conversation started about my DUI that one long night years ago. I was telling the story the way I had told my girl the story. I had to keep up the lie up. And every time I told the fake story Bama would interrupt and so "no stupid we had just come back from the north side party" I immediately kicked his damn legs and with facial expression was trying to tell the guy to shut the hell up. But Bama wasn't on the same page as me or anybody else that was there on that long night. I finish up the story, to my surprise my girl doesn't say shit, the night goes on we climb into out truck and then i hear "what the fuck is going on". Apparently when I was kicking Bama under the table to shut up he was kicking back but he wasn't kicking me he was kicking my girl at the time!

The guys and myself gave him so much shit for bustin the man code, the girl managed to overlook that night and stayed with me for a couple more years before she moved on. And today we sit and still talk about all that.

BAMA you know who you are buddy, this blog was just for you!

A girl named Dick

Okay people. I think that I am now ready to share this story with you. After months of drinking beer,bar-b-queing, and watching countless hours of pure heterosexual porn I feel like a man able to tell this story proudly. I often do things out of the ordinary just to say that I have done that or this, I like to meet strange and unusual people and talk with them just to get a sense of others view points about the world. Instead of the viewpoints that everyone else has. You know them, afraid to standout because they don't want people to judge them. They find themselves giving into the media and how the media should show us how to talk, feel, and believe. But I was not prepared for what I was faced with on that one Saturday several months ago. I was caught between being a loyal friend and male pride. A friend of mine decided to go to this house party that night and wanted me to go with him. I'm not a big fan of house parties where I do not know the owner personally, as I tend to get into trouble with those that feel they have to be guard dog to their friends house. If that doesn't happen then you are stuck with trying to mingle with people that are in there own comfortable zone and do not like outsiders having more fun then them.

So my buddy has a thing for the girl throwing the party, and he is trying to get close. The only problem for him is that he is being cocked blocked by a cocked eyed male who is obviously just a friend to the girl, but, will not let other men hit on her. Hate those guys. This guy looked like Uncle Fester with an eye that wandered endlessly through out his right eye socket. It was my duty to get this guy into a conversation that would keep him occupied so that my friend can get close to the chick. Not a problem, piece of cake. It's San Antonio, all I said was "man fuck the cowboys!" And there we go, a heated conversation about the damn cowboys began. After about 30 minutes of this guy ear fucking me about the cowboys I look over and my buddy seems to be cocked blocked again. Except this time it wasn't the fat overprotective girlfriend, it was worse than that, I can handle a fat one. Her gay best friend was doing the blocking! Now this guy was out there, flamboyant, talking extremely loud about sucking dick and laughing like Fran Dresser. As i stood there and watched my buddy stare at this guy is total disgust, I couldn't help but laugh. Him being from a small town people usually don't come across gays. So when they are around one its pretty funny to see the confusion and shock on there faces.

I step outside for a smoke and my buddy joins me and goes on to explain how the fag is now cock blocking. I was like your fucked, might as well go home now and rub one out. He gives me a look like man I really need a piece of pussy! And tells me for me to go and interrupt and talk to him, because I can talk to anyone and he knows that I can care less about someones sexual preference. Against my better judgment I am now a wing man to my heterosexual buddy with a big loud homosexual!!

This took some planning, extreme self confidence in my own sexuality and a couple of shots of tequila. I was about to take on the task that no heterosexual man should ever have to endure. I also had to understand that this buddy will never think about doing this for me if ever a time calls for it in my lifetime. It was like I was behind enemy lines, I was on my own in a strange place. I have trained my whole life to be a wing man for overprotective girlfriends, jealous hot friends, cousins, sisters, moms, dads, overprotective male friends, but, not fruits. This mission I was totally out of my element and comfort zone. At this point and time I feel that it is something that I must do, I have to do, to grow and become more understanding, I have met homos before but they were not queens like this guy was. It was a strange and awkward position to be in. So I walk over to the two and my buddy is next me in a typical anti-cock block formation. I was standing in front of the person i was suppose to distract. After standing there till there was a pause in the conversation, I uttered the words "what was your name again?" "Richard", he replies. Now I had to reply with something that was rude and offensive to see what this guy was about, if he had gotten mad, we would have left the party and I would have dodged this situation big time. "Wow, How ironic is that a gay guy named Dick!" I said with a smile. He laughed his ass off.

And then it began. We began to talk about night clubs, drugs, how men are assholes, how he had been single for too long and how he couldn't find a decent man. How all the men he has met have always played mind games. That there doesn't seem to be anyone out there for him. Shit I thought to myself I feel same about women in my situation. It was cool, we were having a good time, my buddy was inside with the chick and I had gay man outside involved in a conversation that made me vomit in my mouth several times. And then it began,

So you're not gay right?! he said with a twinkle in his eye. aakkkwwaarrrdddddd I had to come back with you kidding me if I was gay I'd have you sucking my dick right now playa!

"Damn your saucy" he uttered with a bigger twinkle in his eye. I knew at this point I fucked up. Where was my buddy?! I hope to God that white girl is doing large amounts of kinky shit to his ass! I better hear how she had him in a hucklebuck for a good 5 minutes! I am now caught in a battle of wits and words to show this homo that I like to joke and laugh but I don't play! I go on to explain that I am in fact a straight male with a taste for strictly pussy. That there is nothing better than to press my head against two soft sweet melons that are located on the chest of a woman, or have my ear drums popped by to tight inner thighs as I munch on a womans delight. yes I do fantasize about going balls deep in a tight ass, but the ass should not have a cock and balls attached to the bottom of it! And the reason for such a fantasy was probably because no good women has ever allowed me to do it. Had they allowed me to do it every time I probably wouldn't want it. Of course I was lieing, if a woman offered an alternative place to jab my pecker in whenever I wanted to, I'd be in it all the time. If I could fit my dick in her ear you better believe she'd really have a headache all the time. But, I couldn't tell my new pal Dick that, he would have turned it on me and made some weird comparison to gay anal sex. I had to stay sharp and focused, one step ahead of this guy. It was like talking to one of my best friends back home, I had to becareful not to slip or I'd hear "yea, that's what you moms likes!" or "I bet you like spicy sausage".

Every chance I had I would use my body language to show I wasn't a fruit, I would slowly bring the bottle of beer to my mouth not to draw attention in any kind of way that invoke a sexual fantasy to my gay pal. I gripped the long neck with a full fist and chugged it back like a redneck homo hater. I snorted and spit constantly, I placed chewing tobacco in my mouth and spit generously on the ground. I would have grabbed or tugged at my nuts but I didn't want to draw attention there either!

After it was understood that I wasn't shopping for dick, and neither was he ,we go on to the questionnaire part of the conversation. Why does a penis turn you on? For the same reasons a piece of pussy turns you on he replies. So when where you diagnosed with homosexuality? Around the same time you were diagnosed with being a heterosexual. I gathered from this type of back and forth shit that he was a girl in the relationship. Only a woman would give confusing question type answers. At the end of all this I find that gays have allot of hot girlfriends and that he was willing to hook me up with about half of them because I was so cool and different. He pulled out his phone and flipped through an inventory of hot friends. The only problem was that I don't think I would have been able to tell this story had I given this guy my number, even though I had already taken a major hit for a brotha in arms by putting myself in a situation where I could be torn apart by my heterosexual friends. I had to bow out gracefully and with little pride I had left.

Oh my friend...nope no action, I think they just talked all night with maybe a make out session with cloths on. What a waste! Of course I busted his balls every time I had the chance, but, then I would ease off in fear that he would say something smart like "well at least I wasn't outside talking to a fag all night!"

In the end it felt like I was talking to a strange woman about her likes and dislikes. But, being a wing man for the same sex? I'm thinking I'll never do that shit again!