Tonight I was watching Monday night football and a good friend called me in the middle of the fourth quarter and wanted to talk. All you know I'm a football fan, but I'm not the guy that stays glued to the tube to see what my fantasy player will do. Then again I'm not married or have a girl. When and If I do catch an unlucky one, then I'll be the guy that says "baby Im watching the game can't this wait till later!!" No, I'm the guy that watches cause it allows me to drink beer on a Monday night and it is socially acceptable. Plus I have to have something to talk about when the women are inside and I'm left outside with married or tied down men. I cant tell them all them all the fun it is to be single, they will look like I'm bragging. Instead I hear "dude don't ever get married" but, I also hear that one guy that says "dude marriage is a beautiful and loving experience" by the look of the other men that have been married for over 6 years and knowing what I know. One, she wears the pants. Two, she doesn't know how much control she has, which by the way she is learning from all the other married wives inside while we talk about football, and three, they are newly weds!!! Or four, which is the rare occasion that the man is smart enough not to say a word for or against marriage and just wants to enjoy other men, cold beer, and the fact his wife is not glued to his side!!!
Plus I'm a Baseball man call me during a baseball game and you will get " babe, I'm watching the game what's wrong" in a concerned voice Cause I also know baseball game last four fucking hours I can talk for two and wont miss a thing! Anyway, we have allot of catching up to do and I have to tell her all my crazy ass stories plus give her tips on dating men. That's right fella's, I give away all the man tips to this woman and to tell you the truth she learns allot! She is my greatest student ever. Got side tracked oh I know.
I was on the phone and everyone that has been to my house knows that damn sliding door that leads to the back yard is fucked up. People cant open it to get out and people cant open it to get back in the house. I have woken up in the morning to bodies lying all over the place like a Roman orgy had just been completed at my house and find that the sliding door is off the hinges, and carefully placed next to the wall. causing the weather and bugs to enter the house. Tonight I tried to slide the door open to smoke a cig and the door fell and shattered!! I am happy to say that I was sober when it happened, meaning I only had ten beers, which all of you know is pretty fucking sober. Many of drunk people, both women and men have knocked that glass sliding door off the hinges and it never broke! Well friends and strange one nighters that have been to my home it finally happened.
But not to fear, I was on that door with cardboard and duck tape like a wetback nigger rigging the family car, tub, toilet, roof, windshield, condom...Ok not condom but I have heard some stories!!! And at the end of the job I was so proud of the master carpentry that I didn't feel bad about the damage I caused! I knew at that point I was a real mexican. I cut cardboard boxes and fit it to that sliding door like a glass cutter at Home depot with out the proper tools!
Since I was on the subject on married couples or tied down folks. I have to share with you the shit that I witnessed today at the CVS. I went in there cause, in case you people don't know, CVS sales beer and they always have beer on sale, and since it was Monday night I had a craving for Modelo's with beer salt and lime. Anyway, I pick up a 12, yes people a twelve, to me a twelve pack is like a normal guys 6 pack, enough to catch a buzz and relax but not enough to get fucked up! I'm not an alcoholic, and if at this point you laugh thinking "shit twelve beers is allot", if you know the chemistry behind a mans weight and alcohol consumption, I weigh more than the average male, thus, increasing my tolerance. If you add in the years of drinking, my tolerance is exceptionally high. I know it's not good, my bar tabs are fucking expense it a curse a really!
Any way Im in the longest CVS line ever, apparently the pharmacy check out counter is closed. There was a very pretty young lady standing in front of me. WIth my first glance she had great tits, nice ass, and she seemed troubled. She didn't seem like she had anything to pay for, no chips, hair products, makeup, which lead me to believe she is paying for medication.
The guy at the check out counter was new and frustrating everybody. Well the guy in front of her decided to flirt with the girl. Before I go on he looked like he read men's health magazine and read every article from how to dress, cut hair, and work out, he also read Cozmo magazines to learn what women are about, yes you got it, dumbass what to be player.
"Damn this guy must be new" he says as he turns toward her. She just has this fuck I want to get out of hear cause I have to take a shit look, the same look I had cause the beer was getting hot and the game is about to start!
She ignores him, he looks at me and in that instant thinks that i think he struck out, and he cant handle that.
"so what are you doing after this guy figuers out what he is doing?" again she says nothing. At this point I'm like dude, she dont want to talk leave it alone. But this guy cant take it the hint.
"i'm gonna make it a movie night at my house I live around the corner, why don't you come by, I just moved here and would like some company" Damn he pulled I just move here. I did it to when I first moved here, I couldn't hate on him for that, but I was at a bar drinking and so where they!
She looks at him and says with an annoyed voice, " my boyfriend is outside waiting for me!" His eyes dart to me and I give him your an idiot grin, he couldn't take it.
So he reply's " well, I don't mind, you can swing by after your done" And I swear in all that is holy she don't say shit to him, but, she unfolds her arms and shows him what she has. A pregnancy test!!!! I fucking laughed out loud, that dumbass turned around and just hung his head, what a fucking dumbass. Now for those that think well at least he tried...my ass, she was throwing him signs that said leave me leave me the fuck alone, shit a pitcher gets more signs from his catcher in an extra inning baseball game! I didnt stop the occasional giggle till that dumbass finally checked out and walked out the doors!!!!
A fucking pregnancy test...lmfao. What doesn't say more than leave me the fuck alone than a pregnancy test!! If that guy had balls, he would have said great that means I dont have to go to aisle 9 and pick up some condoms! Today was what the fuck are these dumbasses thinking!!