Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A girl named Dick

Okay people. I think that I am now ready to share this story with you. After months of drinking beer,bar-b-queing, and watching countless hours of pure heterosexual porn I feel like a man able to tell this story proudly. I often do things out of the ordinary just to say that I have done that or this, I like to meet strange and unusual people and talk with them just to get a sense of others view points about the world. Instead of the viewpoints that everyone else has. You know them, afraid to standout because they don't want people to judge them. They find themselves giving into the media and how the media should show us how to talk, feel, and believe. But I was not prepared for what I was faced with on that one Saturday several months ago. I was caught between being a loyal friend and male pride. A friend of mine decided to go to this house party that night and wanted me to go with him. I'm not a big fan of house parties where I do not know the owner personally, as I tend to get into trouble with those that feel they have to be guard dog to their friends house. If that doesn't happen then you are stuck with trying to mingle with people that are in there own comfortable zone and do not like outsiders having more fun then them.

So my buddy has a thing for the girl throwing the party, and he is trying to get close. The only problem for him is that he is being cocked blocked by a cocked eyed male who is obviously just a friend to the girl, but, will not let other men hit on her. Hate those guys. This guy looked like Uncle Fester with an eye that wandered endlessly through out his right eye socket. It was my duty to get this guy into a conversation that would keep him occupied so that my friend can get close to the chick. Not a problem, piece of cake. It's San Antonio, all I said was "man fuck the cowboys!" And there we go, a heated conversation about the damn cowboys began. After about 30 minutes of this guy ear fucking me about the cowboys I look over and my buddy seems to be cocked blocked again. Except this time it wasn't the fat overprotective girlfriend, it was worse than that, I can handle a fat one. Her gay best friend was doing the blocking! Now this guy was out there, flamboyant, talking extremely loud about sucking dick and laughing like Fran Dresser. As i stood there and watched my buddy stare at this guy is total disgust, I couldn't help but laugh. Him being from a small town people usually don't come across gays. So when they are around one its pretty funny to see the confusion and shock on there faces.

I step outside for a smoke and my buddy joins me and goes on to explain how the fag is now cock blocking. I was like your fucked, might as well go home now and rub one out. He gives me a look like man I really need a piece of pussy! And tells me for me to go and interrupt and talk to him, because I can talk to anyone and he knows that I can care less about someones sexual preference. Against my better judgment I am now a wing man to my heterosexual buddy with a big loud homosexual!!

This took some planning, extreme self confidence in my own sexuality and a couple of shots of tequila. I was about to take on the task that no heterosexual man should ever have to endure. I also had to understand that this buddy will never think about doing this for me if ever a time calls for it in my lifetime. It was like I was behind enemy lines, I was on my own in a strange place. I have trained my whole life to be a wing man for overprotective girlfriends, jealous hot friends, cousins, sisters, moms, dads, overprotective male friends, but, not fruits. This mission I was totally out of my element and comfort zone. At this point and time I feel that it is something that I must do, I have to do, to grow and become more understanding, I have met homos before but they were not queens like this guy was. It was a strange and awkward position to be in. So I walk over to the two and my buddy is next me in a typical anti-cock block formation. I was standing in front of the person i was suppose to distract. After standing there till there was a pause in the conversation, I uttered the words "what was your name again?" "Richard", he replies. Now I had to reply with something that was rude and offensive to see what this guy was about, if he had gotten mad, we would have left the party and I would have dodged this situation big time. "Wow, How ironic is that a gay guy named Dick!" I said with a smile. He laughed his ass off.

And then it began. We began to talk about night clubs, drugs, how men are assholes, how he had been single for too long and how he couldn't find a decent man. How all the men he has met have always played mind games. That there doesn't seem to be anyone out there for him. Shit I thought to myself I feel same about women in my situation. It was cool, we were having a good time, my buddy was inside with the chick and I had gay man outside involved in a conversation that made me vomit in my mouth several times. And then it began,

So you're not gay right?! he said with a twinkle in his eye. aakkkwwaarrrdddddd I had to come back with you kidding me if I was gay I'd have you sucking my dick right now playa!

"Damn your saucy" he uttered with a bigger twinkle in his eye. I knew at this point I fucked up. Where was my buddy?! I hope to God that white girl is doing large amounts of kinky shit to his ass! I better hear how she had him in a hucklebuck for a good 5 minutes! I am now caught in a battle of wits and words to show this homo that I like to joke and laugh but I don't play! I go on to explain that I am in fact a straight male with a taste for strictly pussy. That there is nothing better than to press my head against two soft sweet melons that are located on the chest of a woman, or have my ear drums popped by to tight inner thighs as I munch on a womans delight. yes I do fantasize about going balls deep in a tight ass, but the ass should not have a cock and balls attached to the bottom of it! And the reason for such a fantasy was probably because no good women has ever allowed me to do it. Had they allowed me to do it every time I probably wouldn't want it. Of course I was lieing, if a woman offered an alternative place to jab my pecker in whenever I wanted to, I'd be in it all the time. If I could fit my dick in her ear you better believe she'd really have a headache all the time. But, I couldn't tell my new pal Dick that, he would have turned it on me and made some weird comparison to gay anal sex. I had to stay sharp and focused, one step ahead of this guy. It was like talking to one of my best friends back home, I had to becareful not to slip or I'd hear "yea, that's what you moms likes!" or "I bet you like spicy sausage".

Every chance I had I would use my body language to show I wasn't a fruit, I would slowly bring the bottle of beer to my mouth not to draw attention in any kind of way that invoke a sexual fantasy to my gay pal. I gripped the long neck with a full fist and chugged it back like a redneck homo hater. I snorted and spit constantly, I placed chewing tobacco in my mouth and spit generously on the ground. I would have grabbed or tugged at my nuts but I didn't want to draw attention there either!

After it was understood that I wasn't shopping for dick, and neither was he ,we go on to the questionnaire part of the conversation. Why does a penis turn you on? For the same reasons a piece of pussy turns you on he replies. So when where you diagnosed with homosexuality? Around the same time you were diagnosed with being a heterosexual. I gathered from this type of back and forth shit that he was a girl in the relationship. Only a woman would give confusing question type answers. At the end of all this I find that gays have allot of hot girlfriends and that he was willing to hook me up with about half of them because I was so cool and different. He pulled out his phone and flipped through an inventory of hot friends. The only problem was that I don't think I would have been able to tell this story had I given this guy my number, even though I had already taken a major hit for a brotha in arms by putting myself in a situation where I could be torn apart by my heterosexual friends. I had to bow out gracefully and with little pride I had left.

Oh my friend...nope no action, I think they just talked all night with maybe a make out session with cloths on. What a waste! Of course I busted his balls every time I had the chance, but, then I would ease off in fear that he would say something smart like "well at least I wasn't outside talking to a fag all night!"

In the end it felt like I was talking to a strange woman about her likes and dislikes. But, being a wing man for the same sex? I'm thinking I'll never do that shit again!

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