Thursday, December 31, 2009

One more before the year is over!

2009 has been a good year, wouldn't say that it was the greatest, but, a damn good year! Just like any other year the year was filled with disappointments, struggles, and heart ache. Shit the way I look at it at least I only had one trip to the ER this year. Come to think of it, 07,08, and 09 I had trips to the hospital! Can't wait to see what kind of trouble I get into this new year! This year is gonna be different, I can see it already, New business opening up, say goodbye to school. Pussy level will probably stay the same, but, hell what's new. Friends are married, some are getting married while others are just stuck on stupid pussy. Ah "i remember when I had my first beer" Lets break down ought nine! Love, anger and drunkenness in the time of H1N1.

I fell in love about 340 times this year plus an almost 15, meaning it could have been 355 days total!I'd say I averaged about 20 a weekend. Don't get it conflicted i didn't say I slept with 340 women and averaged 20. I don't know their names, they don't know mine,we never talked, but, got damn they looked good from across the bar as I slowly drank ice cold beer, some on a pole, showing me everything but there anal cavity and the others bringing beer then my check. Maybe a few around the jogging trail, a couple of distant stares at the stoplight and some waiting at the red box in an uncomfortable silence as we stood side by side waiting for the prick in front of us to choose to pick a fucking movie, but, whose counting. This year will be different, I may just decide to tell them how great it would be to cuddle, share awkward moments, and eat fruit while naked in the hall way floor! The other 15 days lets just say, there are some crazy ass women out there! Those 15 days made me think asking for a table for one is not the most embarrassing or lonely thing to do in a crowded restaurant.

This year was filled with "when am you getting married", "when am I going to settle down" and the one I like the most the two part question "your not married? Do you have a girlfriend? . To my critics out there, shut the fuck up! Please. And the ones worried that I might take fruit with my tossed salad, I got something for you too! ahh, which leads me to the next subject; anger. That was a constant thing this year. Lets put that number at 364 days this year! Angry that Obama was elected president, Palin didn't have a sex tape. Angry that McCain probably couldn't jack himself off with his fucked up arms, which left his mind cloudy. That the town I chose to live in is... well, great fucking people...don't want to offend any of my future customers, but you know who you are and just so happens that they drive on the highways too. Sopranos left me thinking "this fucking show sucked". The amount of young kids meeting there maker by the hands of their fucked up parents. In turn the parents that aren't fucked up have fucked up kids doing fucked up things. The war in the beach. Why cant we just conquer and kill all that oppose us in the middle east, one might say, "don't you think we are doing that?. Good point, but, one word comes to mind and can you say INDIANS. It work well when we did it to the native American Indians! And the ones that are left after we play cowboys and Indians, give em some land so that they can become drunkards and addicts, the smart ones, we will let them build casinos and those tribes we feel absolutely horrible about we did to eradicate them off the face of the earth, give the living a couple of bucks and make films about the injustice we brought down upon them for the sake of democracy, and give them a few pages in our history books, which we will print with words that are misspelled to explain everything except the truth to our fucked up kids.

I'm angry that beer commercials aren't what they use to be. I'm angry that the one beer commercial I absolutely loved, was not Mexican! You know what I'm talking about the fucking most interesting man on the world for dos equis! That's right that guy is from England or somewhere where the speak English with an "English" accent, point is, he isn't Mexican. I'm angry that roses don't last all year long in a vase filled with water and aspirin, Martha Stewart is full of shit! I'm angry that I can't shave my face without thinking about how much fucking money I spent on 4 cartridges, then complain, and for that one dumb ass to tell me "why don't you buy an electric razor?" good point asshole. Let me guess you have one right? I can go on to explain that I like a close shave and I can't get one with an electric razor, then, he will go on to explain that the Remington kklfdakjgs 500 wet series or what ever the fuck he has is bad ass and if his response is yes to my original question, then, you must not shave your goddamn balls!! I don't like telling strange men that or that I like mine smooth to the touch and so do women. None of his fucking business, but, I will share it with people on the blog right? you get the point, anyway, what really makes me angry is the fucking clothes designers. They put XXL on t-shirts that are made like a goddamn large. I bought t-shirts from old navy 6 months ago, I go back and the fuckin shirts are twice as small. I get on the scale yup it tells me the same thing it did 6 months ago and I weigh 10 pounds less! Look, I know Americans are getting bigger, I see how get fit America is advocating good health and wight loss. But give me a fucking break. Changing the cloths size is not gonna make me feel bad about myself, it is going to make me fell angry towards fashion designers.

As you can tell 2009 had allot of anger which is the reason why 2009 had allot of booze involved. Cant wait till 2010! In 2010 I'm sure it will be the same as all the other years, but with the knowledge and wisdom learned form the past years will make it easier to deal with each struggle a new year brings! Did I just right that, shit, what the hell was I thinking!

Friday, December 25, 2009

He doesnt Exist?

everyone is doing what they are suppose to be doing today. Some working, others shoping and many wrapping presents. I know that some kid is waiting for The Great Santa Clause to land on a roof top with his great golden slay, dressed in his soft velvet red suit lined with shiney white cotton lapels and gray beard. Hoping that they have been nice enough to recieve that present they asked for, some of the catholic children are gonna say a prayer at mass tonight to ensure its delevery, while the jewish kids are waiting for that last big present in a long drawn out ordeal, the black kid from africa is hoping the tempatures dont fall below 90 degrees since he has no winter clothing. The asian kids are just to discipline to give a shit. And the russian kids really know that there isn't a santa claus.

Every year I sit in joy as my little nieces and nephews attack the presents, all anitcipating it being that one special present. Upon tearing the final piece of gift wrap from the box, and quickly figuring out that its not it, they hold it for a photo with a shit eatin grin and toss it asside for the next one. They will repeat it a few more times and once all the presents are opened I will immediatetly hear there parents reassure those depressed faces that The great Santa claus left presents under their christmas tree last night. At that point the kids start whining to go back to the their house.

Ah, "The Great Santa Claus" if I was 5 years old again and believed in him like I once did, this is what I would have said to his fat ass! Better yet this is what I have to say about him now, knowing what I know now.

What really pisses me off about you oh "Great Santa Claus" deliverer of happiness and joy! You have not written or answered any of my letters for over 25 years!! No letter explaining why I didnt get shit cause I had been naughty or nice. I spent one whole winter thinking about that trip to the prinicpals office for having a boner in class. And regretting and dwelling that it was that specific situation that led me play with play doe and not HE-MAN castle of grace skull that was suppose to be under the tree christmas eve. little did I know, I couldnt have controlled that damn thing even if i wanted to, but, the teacher, and classmates, made such a big deal about it, I suffered mentally and physically. Knowing what I know now, I should have whipped it out and played with the damn thing, I would have had joy in my life at least at that moment.

No "great santa Claus" I suppose that it's not your fault, I should have wrote mother nature about the situation instead of blaming you. But that was just one in many situations... bottom line, I'm grown now and I realize that I had been dooped and conned all those years by you and I see my little nieces going through the same thing!I found out that all the presents that I did get from you, where actually bought and wrapped by my parents! Cmon man, what kind of shit is that. If there was a santa claus which i know there isnt one. But i would love to meet the guy that promotes deceptions lies, and cons. This drunkard has every little kid thinking that he is awesome. Millions of kids across the globe place this red neck which stands for love and joy above their parents!

I feel bad for ever trusting that fat ass, and never thanking my parents for all those gifts I thought that son of a bitch bought me. Imagine the pain my parents went thru seeing my eyes light up when opening presents, knowing they would never get credit for it, which leads me to think what does the "great Santa Claus" have over them? Did he really catch momma kissing a sant claus impostor, You have heard the songs! There has to be a reason for them right, where there is smoke there is fire! He was like "I'm gonna tell your husband if you dont put my name on little johnny's present saying that it was from me. Can you say "BLACK MAIL"

Just think, when we have been at that age where we all found out that "the great santa claus" doesn't exist! We were so damn confused and hurt! How could this be? Mom and dad said they saw him, they told me about the guy in the first place?! The shame of going to school knowing the truth and try telling your buddies that, then you get bombarded and called stupid cause they believe in him and tell us that our parents are lying, there is a santa claus...more confusion. Then we grow up and we began to tell little kids that santa does exists! What the fuck? I'm the first one to say that he does exists and as a matter of fact I saw him once on a christmas eve many years ago! And then see the little kids face light up when they turn to their knuckle head cousins and say "see, i told you there is a santa claus" I just couldnt do it, not because I didnt want them to know the truth or hurt them, shit If i had to go through it then guess what, your little ass has to figure it out the hard way too.

In the end I do have to say christmas will be great and I will go along with this lie, and tell every kid that believes in him that there is one. Cause it just wouldnt be christmas with out good ole saint nick! And the reason we older folks keep santa alive is because if those little knuckle head kids found out the grown ups buy all the gifts we wouldn't be able to say shit like, "Santa must have not gotten your letter" or "it was because you were naughty" when they didnt get that speacial gift. When the real reason is are asses are broke, they are too young for it, or you're just gonna throw it in a closet and never play with it after a month!

Then we turn around and use the idea of santa claus as a disiplinary tatic. "if your not good santa aint goona get you that new four wheeler!"
I have seen kids running, yelling, and causing prue hell in a house, and once santa's name is uttered, those little bastards will freeze in their tracks and think about their next move. The really guilty ones might shed a fucking tear. Sometimes I wonder who is playing the games, us or the kids. I have seen some say "so, I dont like him anyway!" Watch out cause that little bad ass kid is the ring leader, and in the future will spread that dirty little rumor that "the Great Santa Claus" doesnt exist!

Happy Holidays to everyone and may your day be filled with joy and happiness.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Ass

I think of Robert Frost's poem "The road less Traveled" from time to time. I dont have it memorized, cause I just dont. But, I know what it says and the interpetaion that different people have to say about it. I just dont have one. Some times you just choose a fuckin road and dont even think about, that's the way I look at it. "Hey jake why did you choose this road?" "Just felt like it, or dont know bro, I wasnt relly thinking about it at the time!" And of course some asshole can come along and can explain and even interpet what the hell I was thinking. Like there are fucking "cleo,(jamacian accent) call me now fer yer free readin"

interpet this one!

I go to bed thinking of the day that just passed,
My actions, reactions, that have caused those to blush
from the words and thoughts that escape my ignorant mind
and lead them to guilt they thought one could never find.
and when I awake, those thoughts haunt me till another days end,

Yet in my dreams is where I find that peace, that fantasy silence, justifactions of my actions that I know are lucid,
whether waking in sweats or exsaperated breath
I know today might be another day filled with regret.
I may repeat my actions one more time
and say that the wishkey was just to high grain
Tell you I'm sorry and swear my words were not intended for a
selfish gain.

A bowl of menudo, 2 cups of coffee,
the warmth of a blanket made by your mother
will make you believe that guy, that man, could never be me.
Im off to dream land to be set free.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Things change

Im back home, that's right in houston, baby, houston. Unfortunately it's not for good, but, that will change someday. The ride into town was one of the best drives ever. I left san antone about 6:30 in the pm and arrived in houston shortly after ten. I missed every kind of traffic, and some deer on the way in. But, it wasnt those reasons that made the trip pleasnt. There was a silent piece about it all. The radio was on, but, not loud enough to where it drowned out the sound of the tires along the black top roads or the wind finding its way into the cab of the truck. It was if it was the first time I had ever taken a road trip for the first time alone. No one yelling to turn up the radio or to change the track, no one complaining about the drama going on in their personal life or the dreaded "I have to pee". There was no one to interupt the comfortable silence or feel that they had to talk about something to make the trip seem shorter than what it was. It was the forgotten excitment of being on the road alone.

For some reason I thought it was strange. Little did I know how strange it would be. I had a real conversation with my mother for the first time in a long time. It wasn't a conversation that began with questions from her digging into my personal life, leaving me feeling like I was being interogated or have to explain my life. We sat in the living room while she sewed a quilt for a grandchild and she shared stories about the funny things that has happened to her and my father at old age. My dad was recently fitted with a pair of dentures and he bought this denture glue that apparently worked to well, he couldn't take them off and he needed help, so they stayed up laughing all night, with my father making a comment that he use to come home drunk and he needed help talking off his boots now he needed help taking off his goddamn teeth! My mother and I began laughing till we ran out of breath and tears rolled down the sides of our face. As she relived the experince and as I pictured the image in my head.

After a few more stoies, I began to ask her certain things about myself that only a mother could explain. Questions that people ask me in regards to my likes and dislikes. Red meat, for example. I like it, enjoy it, yet its not the first thing I think about when figuring out the menu for my trip to the grocery store. People that I meet for the first time, or those I engage a conversation with will assume I eat allot of red meat, yet, I will prefer chicken everytime.

So I asked my mother was there a reason why I dont eat red meat? Have I always prefered chicken over beef? Growing up there was always red meat for dinner, whether it was a dish with ground beef, pot roast, steak, the list goes on, my father is a big red meat eater, so that was usually on the dinner menu. As she gently pushed the neddle with bright red thread through the material her eyes opened wide, her brow raised and at that moment I knew she could explain why I dont eat read meat as much. She went on to explain to me, that one night I was eating a steak and I choked on a piece, I turned blue and almost passed out, she ran for the phone to call 911 and when she came back, I had somehow stuffed my whole hand in my mouth to free the lodged piece of meat from the back of my throat. I do not remeber any of those seconds of my life. Although it did explain why I get nervous everytime I eat red meat with the fat attached to it.

I then asked her what my favorite subject was in school. I have always been a math type of person, numbers fascinate me, they always have. But, for some reason, I enjoy writing and telling stories. It's a hobby of mine, a blog is part of it, but, I have been keeping journals for over 15 years. I learned today, something I had no idea of. Apparently, I was good at it. She showed me elementry school and jr high news letters, where the english teachers printed allot of things I wrote for creative writing classes. Hell, in one of those pieces, is a picture of my mother, with a story about her father picking cotton and supporting a family in the early 30's and 40's. As soon as I saw that I knew what I must have been thinking when I wrote it, black people weren't the only ones doing that shit!! And yes it was written and published during black history month.

I also asked what kind of women was I into cause she met a few and she just replied, "apparently not the good ones cause you would have been married with kids by now!" Good ole mom, always ready to cut me when she gets a chance. I learned allot about myself tonight, I asked if I was always a hot tempered person, which she explained that no one would no there was something wrong until I exploded. Then it all came out, I could have been having a bad day and she could have served corn and I would have thrown a fit. It was great to hear certain things and stories that would explain allot of my reactions to things in life, because grwoing up we forget those innocent situations that shows our character, as adults we tend to hide those traits in situations where it is not socially exceptable. My mom said that as a kid I always liked big boobs and when I was around women do anything to hug those women and put my head on them, my mother and I looked at each other, I grined and she said "aye Jacob go to bed" That would explain it, and I was thinking it was an aquired fascination!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Who Won!?

Tonight I was watching Monday night football and a good friend called me in the middle of the fourth quarter and wanted to talk. All you know I'm a football fan, but I'm not the guy that stays glued to the tube to see what my fantasy player will do. Then again I'm not married or have a girl. When and If I do catch an unlucky one, then I'll be the guy that says "baby Im watching the game can't this wait till later!!" No, I'm the guy that watches cause it allows me to drink beer on a Monday night and it is socially acceptable. Plus I have to have something to talk about when the women are inside and I'm left outside with married or tied down men. I cant tell them all them all the fun it is to be single, they will look like I'm bragging. Instead I hear "dude don't ever get married" but, I also hear that one guy that says "dude marriage is a beautiful and loving experience" by the look of the other men that have been married for over 6 years and knowing what I know. One, she wears the pants. Two, she doesn't know how much control she has, which by the way she is learning from all the other married wives inside while we talk about football, and three, they are newly weds!!! Or four, which is the rare occasion that the man is smart enough not to say a word for or against marriage and just wants to enjoy other men, cold beer, and the fact his wife is not glued to his side!!!

Plus I'm a Baseball man call me during a baseball game and you will get " babe, I'm watching the game what's wrong" in a concerned voice Cause I also know baseball game last four fucking hours I can talk for two and wont miss a thing! Anyway, we have allot of catching up to do and I have to tell her all my crazy ass stories plus give her tips on dating men. That's right fella's, I give away all the man tips to this woman and to tell you the truth she learns allot! She is my greatest student ever. Got side tracked oh I know.

I was on the phone and everyone that has been to my house knows that damn sliding door that leads to the back yard is fucked up. People cant open it to get out and people cant open it to get back in the house. I have woken up in the morning to bodies lying all over the place like a Roman orgy had just been completed at my house and find that the sliding door is off the hinges, and carefully placed next to the wall. causing the weather and bugs to enter the house. Tonight I tried to slide the door open to smoke a cig and the door fell and shattered!! I am happy to say that I was sober when it happened, meaning I only had ten beers, which all of you know is pretty fucking sober. Many of drunk people, both women and men have knocked that glass sliding door off the hinges and it never broke! Well friends and strange one nighters that have been to my home it finally happened.

But not to fear, I was on that door with cardboard and duck tape like a wetback nigger rigging the family car, tub, toilet, roof, windshield, condom...Ok not condom but I have heard some stories!!! And at the end of the job I was so proud of the master carpentry that I didn't feel bad about the damage I caused! I knew at that point I was a real mexican. I cut cardboard boxes and fit it to that sliding door like a glass cutter at Home depot with out the proper tools!

Since I was on the subject on married couples or tied down folks. I have to share with you the shit that I witnessed today at the CVS. I went in there cause, in case you people don't know, CVS sales beer and they always have beer on sale, and since it was Monday night I had a craving for Modelo's with beer salt and lime. Anyway, I pick up a 12, yes people a twelve, to me a twelve pack is like a normal guys 6 pack, enough to catch a buzz and relax but not enough to get fucked up! I'm not an alcoholic, and if at this point you laugh thinking "shit twelve beers is allot", if you know the chemistry behind a mans weight and alcohol consumption, I weigh more than the average male, thus, increasing my tolerance. If you add in the years of drinking, my tolerance is exceptionally high. I know it's not good, my bar tabs are fucking expense it a curse a really!

Any way Im in the longest CVS line ever, apparently the pharmacy check out counter is closed. There was a very pretty young lady standing in front of me. WIth my first glance she had great tits, nice ass, and she seemed troubled. She didn't seem like she had anything to pay for, no chips, hair products, makeup, which lead me to believe she is paying for medication.

The guy at the check out counter was new and frustrating everybody. Well the guy in front of her decided to flirt with the girl. Before I go on he looked like he read men's health magazine and read every article from how to dress, cut hair, and work out, he also read Cozmo magazines to learn what women are about, yes you got it, dumbass what to be player.

"Damn this guy must be new" he says as he turns toward her. She just has this fuck I want to get out of hear cause I have to take a shit look, the same look I had cause the beer was getting hot and the game is about to start!

She ignores him, he looks at me and in that instant thinks that i think he struck out, and he cant handle that.

"so what are you doing after this guy figuers out what he is doing?" again she says nothing. At this point I'm like dude, she dont want to talk leave it alone. But this guy cant take it the hint.

"i'm gonna make it a movie night at my house I live around the corner, why don't you come by, I just moved here and would like some company" Damn he pulled I just move here. I did it to when I first moved here, I couldn't hate on him for that, but I was at a bar drinking and so where they!
She looks at him and says with an annoyed voice, " my boyfriend is outside waiting for me!" His eyes dart to me and I give him your an idiot grin, he couldn't take it.

So he reply's " well, I don't mind, you can swing by after your done" And I swear in all that is holy she don't say shit to him, but, she unfolds her arms and shows him what she has. A pregnancy test!!!! I fucking laughed out loud, that dumbass turned around and just hung his head, what a fucking dumbass. Now for those that think well at least he ass, she was throwing him signs that said leave me leave me the fuck alone, shit a pitcher gets more signs from his catcher in an extra inning baseball game! I didnt stop the occasional giggle till that dumbass finally checked out and walked out the doors!!!!

A fucking pregnancy test...lmfao. What doesn't say more than leave me the fuck alone than a pregnancy test!! If that guy had balls, he would have said great that means I dont have to go to aisle 9 and pick up some condoms! Today was what the fuck are these dumbasses thinking!!