Friday, January 29, 2010

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I woke this morning with the sun on my face, drool on the side of my check and a nice stiffy, then it set in...back pain, ankle pain, jaw and shoulder pain, as I flung my legs off the bed and brought my body to a sitting position and forced myself to stand up anticipating my knees to lock relaying a message to my brain to lay the hell back down.  To my surprise no pain today in that region, "damn it was the start of a good day already" I thought with a smile. No people I never played football. When I was younger I thought I dont want to wake up when I'm older and not be able to get out of bed.  But, years of running, biking, hiking and weight training did the job anyway.  That and the occasional street disagreements. You know, where the street didnt agree with the bicycles tire pressure and threw you over the handle bars.  Happened more times than I wanted to. I was so good at it, that one year while riding in the MS150 which is a bicycle ride from Houston to Austin Tx, and won "most likey to fall off the tricyle award" complete with certificate and a framed team photo.  I think I face planted about 5 different times in 2 days. Got knock the fuck out on one. In my deffense, none were my fault except one, it was the last mile of the ride and we could see the finish line, we were giving hi fives and cheering, I wasn't looking and bam, off the bike for the last time, needed stiches in my right knee, but I finished. The second one was a piece of cake no spills. I think the only injury I have that I look back and regret is the shoulder. I picked a guy over my head and gave him a proper body slam to get out of a choke hold, and snap...shoulder dislocated.  I get to the bathroom turn on the shower derobe and stare into the mirror, Checking the grey hair in my beard then slowly looking at the head to check out the damage there and receading hair line.  I puff my chest up turn sideway, suck in the gut, flex the arms, take a deep breath and laugh out loud that I was actually doing that.  As I looked at my aging features and scars  I couldnt help but wonder why in the hell my ankle was hurting so bad today. 

My ankle has had some major damage, but, as I gazed in the mirror I thought about  the only time I really fucked that one up, was when I was trying to get a lady in a huckle buck position and as I manuvered into position to plant my foot to drive it in, I rolled it pulling a ligament.   Yea, imagaine explaing that one to the orthopedic. That wasnt the worst part, the worst was when I fell off I tried to catch myself with my left arm and my shoulder dislocated, now trying to explain that to your mother so you can go see the orthopedic.  The look on this poor girls face was freaking priceless. No doubt she shares that story with her friends and family till this day.  Go Horns wherever you are girl!  There I was buck ass naked with a swollen ankle,my arm out of socket, the look of defeat and shame with three bags of ice. One for the ankle, the other for my shoulder and the third for my blue balls.  But I dont feel bad about that one, shit happens, and I had fun doing it.  The mirror begins to steam up so I turn and jump in the shower. When I was done I dry myself take my ass to my bed room and get changed.  I return to the bathroom to add the finishing touches, line the beard up, fix the hair, all while trying not to look in the mirror as much. And I had one of those moments, where at first glance, the hair looks just right, the lines and the length of the beard are perfect and the clothes fit just right. You smile and think damn I look good today. You walk out the house with the John Travotla/Tony Minelli strut, point to neighbors with that playa swag and smile. Hope in the truck, that perfect song is on, you hit all the green lights, stop off to get some gas, the chick at the pump smiles at you. You turn to put the gas nozzle in the gas tank and you see an old buddy from college, he comes over to greet ya, and says "damn bro you gain some weight" Fucking asshole. Fucking Mirror will do some shit to ya I swear. Damn thing lies, but i dont know whats worse, the fact that it lies or that I actually believed it.  So I get home and head to the bathroom to release some body fluid and couldnt help but check myself out in the mirror again. I lean forward and whisper..  Mirror Mirror on the wall who's the hottest of them all. To my surprise I heard  "Oh Jake im not a fake, i have to admit its not you o kind sir, although I must confess I see the biggest bullshiter of them all"

I think I'm gonna take my buddies advice and intsall a circus mirror in the bathroom. Damn fairy tales aint worth a shit anyway...what the hell was I thinking!

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