Thursday, September 2, 2010

Knight In dull armor!

It has been an eventful week. Disturbed and crazy? No. But, I felt as though I was a clumsy hopeless romantic character in a film played by Cameron Diaz, or Kevin James' character in Hitch. Lets start with Monday, after the 31st birthday I decided to settle down a little bit. I said a little, not marriage or girlfriend. But, slow up in the booze department and late nights and focus more on health and meaningful sex, by meaningful, I mean remembering the first and asking for the last name and hopefully waking up with a smile instead of wanting to gnaw my arm off at the elbow joint to escape that embarrassing morning after sex. So, this particular Monday I strolled over to my apartment complex gym to do a little stationary biking. In order to get to the gym you have to enter in through the pool which is not a bad route by any means. There is always women  tanning and always in the smallest swim wear known to man. Since I have become a regular at the gym, I have met quite a few friendly faces.  Nothing extreme just a simple friendly smile followed by a shy hello. This day I strolled around the pool with my head held high, shoulders back, and gut sucked in, trying to give myself a slimmer profile and that's when I saw my little friend, crying while talking on the phone. Judging from the tears, expressions, and tone of her voice it was definitely a boyfriend or soon to be ex.

I finished my 2 minute workout which seemed to never end and pretended to stretch the muscles  that I felt were about to rip off the bone. A half bend at the waist and a slight touch of the toe which was accomplished by forcing my longest finger to stretch as far as it could  and with the help raising my toe, the toe touch was accomplished and my cool down was complete! I exit the gym exhausted and my little friend is still there.  During those 2 minutes of hell I was thinking about my last relationship and how hard the break up was. Good thing I had very good friends to support me and get shit faced with then have the patience or the ability to block out my drunken rants of anger. After studying her tight body very carefully, I noticed she was drinking alone, everyone knows if you have friends and your going through a breakup one of your friends will be there.  But none where in sight.  So, as I passed  her trying not to breath like a fat boy running for a snack.  I said hi and asked if she was ok. She nodded yes then with a look of confusion she started to tear up again.  At that point I knew I would be there for awhile, I asked if she wanted to talk about it.

To my surprise she holds nothing back, she moved form another city to San Antone, lives  alone, he lives with his cousin on the northeast side of town and she caught her boyfriend of four years cheating on her during a pregnancy scare, her parents hate him but she loves him. She caught him twice before cheating on her, and now she was fed up with it, she was going to break her lease and move back where she came from the next day. She asked my view point and why he did what he did, and a simple "he's just an asshole that's all" was uttered from my mouth which was dying for some fucking water.

I then start making jokes, trying to make this pretty girl laugh was my only goal at this point, any advice given to her would not only fall on deaf ears,but, I didn't want to come across as a guy she can vent to, I wanted to be the guy that she can have Mandingo sex with to help her move on from this tragic relationship!
So, I stared to ask silly questions about there time together and spinned it into sexual jokes. Granted I had to put myself down and use me as the joke to not come across like a sex crazed man. And to my surprise it was actually working.

The conversation went into me telling her with a laugh to signal that  I was about to be full of shit. "you know what you should do? go out there and have a couple of strange one night hookups, cause you know the first guy that gives you the pipe you' re gonna be thinking about the ex,not that its a bad thing  but sex with a new person can be disappointing and uneventful.  thus, ruining the whole experience. Your gonna feel guilty like you cheated on your boyfriend, its going to be uncomfortable and you might think you did something really slutty and whore like" Which you did, but, but I don't judge and there is no need to feel bad for thinking about the ex. right?" A look of concern washed up across her eyes and at that point i felt that I had gone just a little too far. She then says with a sneaky smile" so what are you volunteering?"

Quick to be witty I chuckled and said " why would I want a woman I'm having sex with be thinking about anyone else besides me? Do I look crazy to you"  I said  as I threw my head back with a big laugh. At that point her phone rang, by the look on her face I could tell that it was him ,so, I excused myself before she answered, and we said our good byes.  As I approached the gate to leave the pool area I felt really good about making her laugh and lending my ear, and I actually listened, about 50 feet after the gate, I could not help but laugh at what the fuck just happened. An open invitation to stranger sex and I freaking tanked it. Maybe not an open invitation cause god doesn't like me that much to place a gorgeous woman at my feet like that. But, at least a feeble attempt to answer yes would have been better than my original reply.  I should have replied "hell yea I'm volunteering, I love charity work and giving of myself to help the needs of others. and if she asked "are you serious" I would have answered with"  what? why would it bother me, What ever it takes for you to bust a nut would  not only make my job easier, but, I would  feel like I did something to help  you  in your grieving process, what kind of man would  I be not helipng a  woman in need, her "Knight in Shining Armor" if you will. Then I would have picked her up in my arms and ran to the closest aprtment! I  may have been exhausted from my 2 minute workout, but I would have had to dig deep to find an extra burst of energy before she changed her mind!

My man card has been suspended quite a few times over the years and always based on taking the wrong woman home or by not living by the man code. Yes ladies it is not a myth we actually have rules we live by, granted some are more stupid than others but what can ya do. But, this is the first time I will have my man card taken away and it was very well deserved.

After telling my experience on Monday, I hope she doesnt think I was a really "nice" guy!

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