Killing Lions

Nothing new going on in the personal life. No crazy stories no nothing. Then again I haven't been drinking. I have been in Houston the last couple of weeks on business. So it's not like I can get bent all sides ways at my favorite Houston watering hole, pick up some strange and deranged women and bring them back to the parents house. I would imagine I could, but, I would hate to wake my parents up in the middle of the night to the sounds of whales mating! Could give my poor folks a heart attack or something.

But, I have been male bonding with my father, not that we have a bad relationship, its great, but, living in San Antone these past couple of years has put a strain on our relationship. Feel like we have lost touch a little bit. We are usually able to look at each other from across the room and a simple grin be on the same page. Then I sat back and realized that we haven't lost touch at all. We are just two men at different stages of our lives. One filled with pride and confidence ready to take what the world has to offer and the other filled with pride and confidence that he has taken everything the world gave him and made it work.

When I was younger my father stood eight feet tall, killed lions with his bare hands, and drank whiskey from the largest of bottles.

My dad is 69 now and judging from his weathered hands and sun damaged skin I'd say he proved what I knew all along, just a little shorter now. My dad told me a fucked up story the other day and I'm sure there was a message in there somewhere. He has never been the one to lecture. I can't remember a day that he ever did. But he always knew when I needed some advice. He would just tell me a story. We were sittin on the couch the other day bullshittin and telling jokes, of course my mom was not home, otherwise we wouldnt have been talking like a bunch of drunken sailors.

Anyway he tells me a story about one of his cousins and his cousins girlfriend. Dad was my age at the time, already married with about four kids. He was drinking his whiskey and shooting the shit when his cousin's girl makes a pass at him. My father being the man that he is, thanks her for the gesture and quickly degrades her. Words were exchanged and that was the end of it. Well, she goes back and tells his cousin that my father was making a pass at her and she was deeply offended. Words were then exchanged between dad and his cousin and all hell broke loose. The cousin takes out a gun and cocks the handle, my dad quicky slaps the gun down as the cousin raises it from just below his waist line. Dad picks up the gun, releases the clip and cocks the gun to remove the bullet from the chamber. Takes his knife from his back pocket tooses it to his cousin and says "here you mother fucker, if you want to kill me, your gonna have to get some blood on those hands." My father said that his cousin to a long look at him and then the knife and asked him to leave. The cousin married the woman had several kids, but, my father and him didn't speak for over 20 years. The man dropped by the house several years ago and him and dad drank some beers and thats when the cousin told my dad that he and the wife were divorced, the reason...she had been cheating on him for 10 years.

A quick" I ain't shittin you" was said in response to my laugh. I would like to say that my father went on to explain the conversation between the two of them or if they still keep in touch. But that was it. That short that simple. Knowing how he tells a story, I would have asked questions and he would have replied "shit I don't know what that son of a bitch was thinking", or "I didn't ask no questions I just left". So I kept my questions or comments to myself.

I'm sure there are allot of lessons to take from that one. The balls my dad had. Are you kidding me, I'm thinking to myself "let me disarm you and then give you another weapon to harm me?" I don't think so. The restraint from not wanting beat this shit out of him after a weapon was pulled. Especially coming from a man that got into a fight in front of church after the mass was over. Trust me it sounds bad, but its not, well only if you were the other guy,you would have to hear the whole story about that one later. I didn't understand why dad didn't go on to explain his side of the story. Then again, the cousin wouldn't have listened to him anyway, judging from his reaction to the whole situation.


In the end only time will tell what good his story will do for me one day. But, today I'm thinking I want to be just like my dad when I grow up. 8 feet tall and Killing Lions with my bare hands!

The Longest night we all forgot!

I was at home tonight chillin with my parents and a best friend of mine brought up an old story. It was December 15 2002. A date that I could never forget. I had been dating this chick for about seven months, things between us was serious, but, I was too wild and afraid of commitment at the time. I hadn't brought her around any of my friends much, so, they didn't know too much about her. Besides none of my running buddies had serious girlfriends so why would I fuck up a good thing! Anyway, that weekend was her birthday and it just so happened that one of my oldest and closest friend shared the same birthday; December 15. It was trouble from the start. They both planned big birthday celebrations on the same day. I told the girl I was dating I would show up and would give her a call when I left my sisters house and let her know I was on my way to meet her and her friends. What she didn't know was that I was going to my friends birthday party first. I never showed up to her party and I didn't call her for days after that night. And here is the reason why, the night took me and three of my buddies on the longest night ever.

We started the night off at our friends birthday party. We drank, howled at the moon, and had a blast. Jello shots were passed around. Dancing and more dancing. Before I knew I had forgotten all about the girl I was seeing. Then we got the call... hot chicks and another party was going down in the Northside. Hell, why not!? Four young dirty southside studs looking to invade the northside! My buddy Peanut packed four guys in a 2 door green Honda civic Standard. Peanut was a guy I met freshman year in high school and been friends since. In that small ass car were 2 other big guys like myself. A big country redneck boy from Pearland,Tx named Bama. He lived in Alabama and told us a story of hunting for deer with buck shots and hound dogs, so we busted his chops for that then and till this day. Another white boy that claimed he was Mexican went with us, it took me a couple of years to come around to believe him. Didn't know him too much he was Peanut and Bama's boy

We hauled ass to the north side of town and this party was just going down. The DJ was busting old school jams, the whole back room of this house was gutted out, party lights, streamers, light show, smoke machine. It was a fucking Nightclub in the middle of the North Side Barrio. In the back yard the owner of the house had a craps table. From growing up in the southside and talking so much shit about northsiders these mother fuckers knew how to party! At the time we all got our kicks off when chicks were wearing thongs, yup, that's how long ago and young we were. We stood there staring with drunken eyes and and 22 year old boners. Then forget about it when these dirty girls started dancing on each other. We couldn't control ourselves. I drank so much that I blew chunks next to the craps table, my vision blurred, speech off center and legs were going out on me. About the same time my running buddies were just about to hit the same mode. And then all hell broke loose. Screaming, cussing, and swearing snapped my ass back into shape and I ran into the house.

Some guys at the party started fighting and this big ass brawl took place. Apparently there was a naked chick, someone with a gun, and someone else coming back with a gun that had just gotten out of prison. That was just way to much hard core shit for 4 pussies, so we checked the hell out of that place quick. Being with two white guys didn't help our situation either. We jammed back into the car and I passed the fuck out dreaming of daisies and thongs. When I came too, the car was swerving across five lanes and then back two, I shut my eyes and then I heard a click! Bama somehow managed to squeeze himself into the seat belt of that small ass car. I was afraid to even look at the way Peanut was driving and figured If we crash and die at least I wont see it. Our destination... back to our friends house in the southside...the safe side!

When we got there we pretty much sobered up, so it was back to drinking and bullshittin. Well, I thought I had sobered up until I fell off the back of a parked car. I was sitting on the trunk with a beer in the hand and saying dirty jokes. Bama apparently was in agreement with some off the wall nigger joke I said and leaned toward me to give me a high five. In my drunken state I swung my arm to meet his with a macho slap and missed his fucking hand. I do a 180 mid air twist and landed on my right shoulder, pain jolted up my arm as laughter and words of dumb ass filled the air, there I was laying in damp grass and beer spilled all over my chest. As I was helped up, the sight of a toddler bike caught my attention and the need to go for a bike ride was so overwhelming. I take it for a spin break the pedal and eat my shit again. That poor little girl was so upset that 9 years later she still remembers me as that big ass guy that broke her bike.

Everything started to wind down, well, not really but all the booze was gone. We drive back to peanuts house and I get in my truck to take off. By this time it was about 7 in the morning and I was spent. He offered to let me stay at his place but I was fine, the last drink I had was on me from when I fell off the damn car. I drove safe all the way home. I got about a block away from my house and decided to give the truck a little gas since I was in the clear. Next thing I know cop lights are flashing behind me. I pull over half a block away from my house. I was so close. I roll down the window and get the standard questions. When he asked if i had been drinking I said yea I was, last night. Technically I was correct, by this time it was 730 in the morning and I had my last drink just before midnight. But the thick smell of what the officer described as a mix booze, throwup, and piss filled the cab of the truck was enough to take me down. I was released on Tuesday afternoon. I told the story to my buddies exactly like it happened.

But what I told the girl I was seeing was a different story. She was so mad she never wanted to talk to me again so I did what any man would do when he likes a girl I lied!!!I told her I was picked up for DUI and was in jail about 7 pm the day of her party. Thats why I never called, answered any of her calls and would justly explain my no show. After showing proof that I was in fact locked up she forgave me and I was out of the dog house. But it didn't end there I milked that story for all that it was worth, told her i would never do something to ever hurt hur blah blah blah. I was safe, I had pulled off the biggest lie of my life. We were happy, I finally settled down and committed my self to her. She was part of the group everything was great.

We had just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and decided to meet all the guys up at cellar bar one night. We were sharing stories as usual. My girl was seated to my right Bama was in front of me, peanut, and the other white guy that was with us that night were off to my left. The conversation started about my DUI that one long night years ago. I was telling the story the way I had told my girl the story. I had to keep up the lie up. And every time I told the fake story Bama would interrupt and so "no stupid we had just come back from the north side party" I immediately kicked his damn legs and with facial expression was trying to tell the guy to shut the hell up. But Bama wasn't on the same page as me or anybody else that was there on that long night. I finish up the story, to my surprise my girl doesn't say shit, the night goes on we climb into out truck and then i hear "what the fuck is going on". Apparently when I was kicking Bama under the table to shut up he was kicking back but he wasn't kicking me he was kicking my girl at the time!

The guys and myself gave him so much shit for bustin the man code, the girl managed to overlook that night and stayed with me for a couple more years before she moved on. And today we sit and still talk about all that.

BAMA you know who you are buddy, this blog was just for you!

A girl named Dick

Okay people. I think that I am now ready to share this story with you. After months of drinking beer,bar-b-queing, and watching countless hours of pure heterosexual porn I feel like a man able to tell this story proudly. I often do things out of the ordinary just to say that I have done that or this, I like to meet strange and unusual people and talk with them just to get a sense of others view points about the world. Instead of the viewpoints that everyone else has. You know them, afraid to standout because they don't want people to judge them. They find themselves giving into the media and how the media should show us how to talk, feel, and believe. But I was not prepared for what I was faced with on that one Saturday several months ago. I was caught between being a loyal friend and male pride. A friend of mine decided to go to this house party that night and wanted me to go with him. I'm not a big fan of house parties where I do not know the owner personally, as I tend to get into trouble with those that feel they have to be guard dog to their friends house. If that doesn't happen then you are stuck with trying to mingle with people that are in there own comfortable zone and do not like outsiders having more fun then them.

So my buddy has a thing for the girl throwing the party, and he is trying to get close. The only problem for him is that he is being cocked blocked by a cocked eyed male who is obviously just a friend to the girl, but, will not let other men hit on her. Hate those guys. This guy looked like Uncle Fester with an eye that wandered endlessly through out his right eye socket. It was my duty to get this guy into a conversation that would keep him occupied so that my friend can get close to the chick. Not a problem, piece of cake. It's San Antonio, all I said was "man fuck the cowboys!" And there we go, a heated conversation about the damn cowboys began. After about 30 minutes of this guy ear fucking me about the cowboys I look over and my buddy seems to be cocked blocked again. Except this time it wasn't the fat overprotective girlfriend, it was worse than that, I can handle a fat one. Her gay best friend was doing the blocking! Now this guy was out there, flamboyant, talking extremely loud about sucking dick and laughing like Fran Dresser. As i stood there and watched my buddy stare at this guy is total disgust, I couldn't help but laugh. Him being from a small town people usually don't come across gays. So when they are around one its pretty funny to see the confusion and shock on there faces.

I step outside for a smoke and my buddy joins me and goes on to explain how the fag is now cock blocking. I was like your fucked, might as well go home now and rub one out. He gives me a look like man I really need a piece of pussy! And tells me for me to go and interrupt and talk to him, because I can talk to anyone and he knows that I can care less about someones sexual preference. Against my better judgment I am now a wing man to my heterosexual buddy with a big loud homosexual!!

This took some planning, extreme self confidence in my own sexuality and a couple of shots of tequila. I was about to take on the task that no heterosexual man should ever have to endure. I also had to understand that this buddy will never think about doing this for me if ever a time calls for it in my lifetime. It was like I was behind enemy lines, I was on my own in a strange place. I have trained my whole life to be a wing man for overprotective girlfriends, jealous hot friends, cousins, sisters, moms, dads, overprotective male friends, but, not fruits. This mission I was totally out of my element and comfort zone. At this point and time I feel that it is something that I must do, I have to do, to grow and become more understanding, I have met homos before but they were not queens like this guy was. It was a strange and awkward position to be in. So I walk over to the two and my buddy is next me in a typical anti-cock block formation. I was standing in front of the person i was suppose to distract. After standing there till there was a pause in the conversation, I uttered the words "what was your name again?" "Richard", he replies. Now I had to reply with something that was rude and offensive to see what this guy was about, if he had gotten mad, we would have left the party and I would have dodged this situation big time. "Wow, How ironic is that a gay guy named Dick!" I said with a smile. He laughed his ass off.

And then it began. We began to talk about night clubs, drugs, how men are assholes, how he had been single for too long and how he couldn't find a decent man. How all the men he has met have always played mind games. That there doesn't seem to be anyone out there for him. Shit I thought to myself I feel same about women in my situation. It was cool, we were having a good time, my buddy was inside with the chick and I had gay man outside involved in a conversation that made me vomit in my mouth several times. And then it began,

So you're not gay right?! he said with a twinkle in his eye. aakkkwwaarrrdddddd I had to come back with you kidding me if I was gay I'd have you sucking my dick right now playa!

"Damn your saucy" he uttered with a bigger twinkle in his eye. I knew at this point I fucked up. Where was my buddy?! I hope to God that white girl is doing large amounts of kinky shit to his ass! I better hear how she had him in a hucklebuck for a good 5 minutes! I am now caught in a battle of wits and words to show this homo that I like to joke and laugh but I don't play! I go on to explain that I am in fact a straight male with a taste for strictly pussy. That there is nothing better than to press my head against two soft sweet melons that are located on the chest of a woman, or have my ear drums popped by to tight inner thighs as I munch on a womans delight. yes I do fantasize about going balls deep in a tight ass, but the ass should not have a cock and balls attached to the bottom of it! And the reason for such a fantasy was probably because no good women has ever allowed me to do it. Had they allowed me to do it every time I probably wouldn't want it. Of course I was lieing, if a woman offered an alternative place to jab my pecker in whenever I wanted to, I'd be in it all the time. If I could fit my dick in her ear you better believe she'd really have a headache all the time. But, I couldn't tell my new pal Dick that, he would have turned it on me and made some weird comparison to gay anal sex. I had to stay sharp and focused, one step ahead of this guy. It was like talking to one of my best friends back home, I had to becareful not to slip or I'd hear "yea, that's what you moms likes!" or "I bet you like spicy sausage".

Every chance I had I would use my body language to show I wasn't a fruit, I would slowly bring the bottle of beer to my mouth not to draw attention in any kind of way that invoke a sexual fantasy to my gay pal. I gripped the long neck with a full fist and chugged it back like a redneck homo hater. I snorted and spit constantly, I placed chewing tobacco in my mouth and spit generously on the ground. I would have grabbed or tugged at my nuts but I didn't want to draw attention there either!

After it was understood that I wasn't shopping for dick, and neither was he ,we go on to the questionnaire part of the conversation. Why does a penis turn you on? For the same reasons a piece of pussy turns you on he replies. So when where you diagnosed with homosexuality? Around the same time you were diagnosed with being a heterosexual. I gathered from this type of back and forth shit that he was a girl in the relationship. Only a woman would give confusing question type answers. At the end of all this I find that gays have allot of hot girlfriends and that he was willing to hook me up with about half of them because I was so cool and different. He pulled out his phone and flipped through an inventory of hot friends. The only problem was that I don't think I would have been able to tell this story had I given this guy my number, even though I had already taken a major hit for a brotha in arms by putting myself in a situation where I could be torn apart by my heterosexual friends. I had to bow out gracefully and with little pride I had left.

Oh my friend...nope no action, I think they just talked all night with maybe a make out session with cloths on. What a waste! Of course I busted his balls every time I had the chance, but, then I would ease off in fear that he would say something smart like "well at least I wasn't outside talking to a fag all night!"

In the end it felt like I was talking to a strange woman about her likes and dislikes. But, being a wing man for the same sex? I'm thinking I'll never do that shit again!

Bruised Coccyx

Same thing I said when I was told I have one. It all happened on Thursday afternoon, I just got back into the truck after trekking the famous 2.2 mile trail that opened up a couple of months ago. Sweat was pouring off me and I can smell the salt escaping my dehydrated body, mixed with the fish oil pills I have consumed over the past month seeping out every pore of my skin made the smell unpleasant. The deodorant I wore that morning had begun to wear off and a hint of onion filled the cabin of the truck. As the aroma of a Punjab and Japanese slowly set in, I rolled down the windows and turned off the ac, it was so hot outside, that the beige cloth seat was sticking to the back of my legs and I could feel my socks fill up with the sweat dripping off my balls and taint!

I need a shower; a long hot shower! I peeled off the grey Nike shirt and drenched running shorts, and set the water on high heat. This is gonna be great, I thought as I pryed my nuts loose from my sweat soaked stripped jokey briefs! I extended my right arm to feel the temperature of the water and grinned with a sigh of relief as the water fell through the finger tips of my right hand. I slowly lifted my right foot over the tub, shifted my weight onto the right leg followed by my left leg looking like a flamingo in pre flight and BAM!! My foot slip out from under me and I landed right on my ass!

My left leg didn't make it over the tub wall and it was hanging over the edge in a 90 degree left angle. My right leg was fully extended and my foot was wedged under the faucet. A sharp pain raced up my spine, leaving me light headed and confused, at this point luke warm water was hitting me at the bottom of my neck. They only thing that I can think about was, you have to be fucking kidding me. I was worried that I had broken my back. I could feel my legs and I was able to take my left leg and place it into the tube, but, that action sent another sharp pain running up my spine to the back of my head causing my dizziness. I sat there and collected my breath as the pain was causing me to hyperventilate.

Now I had been knocked out before, I have had broken bones, torn ligaments, dislocated jaw and shoulder and in each occasion I knew exactly what hurt, this time I was confused on where the pain was coming from,my hole body had felt the jolt. So, I managed to push my self forward and turned off the water, and laid there for a good 30 min, for things to settle in and figure out where exactly the pain was. I was now prepared to exit the tub. My first attempt I pussied out with the first hint of pain. The way I moved wasn't exactly the way to get out. I tried as anybody else would get out of the tub. I placed my hands on the edges of the tub brought my feet towards my ass and try to lift myself. After what felt like 5 minutes the pain form the initial attempt subsided. I rolled to my left onto my stomach, threw my right leg over the tube, at this point I looked like an out of shape fat gymnast that racked himself on the balance beam. I slowly transferred the weight of my body towards the the bath room floor and just let my body fall. At this point the pain was..well to bad to put in words. But the determination and the will to beat the odds was overwhelming.

I brought myself to the edge of the toilet and let my upper body pull the weight of my legs under me and stood up. It was a little shaky at first, like a baby taking there first steps, but, I made it. I clothed myself with a towel and proceeded to grab a beer from the fridge went out side and smoked a cig.

I was pretty sore the rest of the day and found it hard to sit in a correct posture, so I sat on the right ass cheek the rest of the day, during the night it was amazingly peaceful as I am use to sleeping on my stomach anyway.

Don't worry people I am okay, no insurance so, I have taken upon myself to self medicate. I was at a bar on Friday doing exactly that, the ride to the bar was painful as hell but as long as I was standing I was okay. I am able o sit a little bit today which is why I posted this today and not Thursday.

Need to install a mat on the floor of the tub this week,not having one in the first place, apparently I wasn't thinking at all.

The Booty Call

I have been thinking about this slang term for almost a week now and I still can't put my finger on it. Of course I have to explain why. Last Monday my phone rang at about 1:48 A.M. Now, being a boring old man these days, my first thought was, oh lord I hope someone is not in trouble. So, I do what any panicked individual might do, since my phone doesn't ring much these days especially at that time of the morning on a Monday. I jump up in search of the phone and hoping I would get to in time. No name on the caller Id, so for sure it was something bad, I thought!

A strange woman came on the line "hey you...whhhaattt are you dooooing?!
What the fuck? I thought to myself, it doesn't sound like someone is in trouble it sounded like a drunk teenage cheerleader on boones farm!

So after a It's me and a who? do I quickly figure out who decided to bless me with a phone call that interrupted my dream of screwing two Swedish models with a 30 inch dildo attached to my forehead! oh yeah it was a good one! They kind that puts a smile on your face in the morning like you really got laid the night before!

Anyway, It was this chick I use to fool around with along time ago. We had chit chated a few times over the years, it was nice knowing her, but, she became too attached to fast, and so you know the rest of the story on that one. I suppose I shouldn't have been showing off in the bedroom like I did!

She goes on to explain that she had been drinking all night and was on her way home and that she needed someone to keep her awake. I should have just hung up the phone. But, I thought I would pay it forward, since there have been so many people over the years that I have called for the same reasons. My friends of course because anyone other then my friends would have been a booty call. And that's when it hit me. Was this a booty call or does this chick think I am one of her friends.

She gets home we chat for about an hour or so and she goes to bed. I wake the next morning to a text message stating she was so hungover and to thank me for keeping her up. Now I was bothered, what the fuck is wrong with me, how did I let a drunk chick drive all the way home when she could have easily stayed at my house! Did I pass up a booty call or was this girl full of shit. Which lets me wonder what exactly is a booty call this days.

Since, I have never really done a booty call before, I think I tried once but I was so fucked up I couldn't talk and it backed fired. I wake the next morning fully clothed beside a naked woman and as my eyes open I hear "so did you really mean what you said last night? WHAT? UH? Yup, it went just like that. So I never did it again., same goes for today. Don't even think about calling a female if she is not a friend!

But what warrants a booty call. The time of day? O.K, I figure that can be anytime of day, since one is just calling for a piece of meat! I've been horned up at ten A.M hoping someone called into work today! How bout after they have been drinking? Ive been known to be drunk at 2 in the afternoon, walk outside the bar as a blast of sun light burns my retinas, thinking its gonna be a long day, I have a date in a few hours. So these questions or rules are not acceptable.

This is the way that booty call should have happened, one should not have to think if its a booty call or not. Or if the receiver is just being nice and don't want a booty call! Here is what the conversation should have been like so that miscomunication does not occur!!

"hey whhhhaattt are you ddooinngg"? Its me? You don't know who this is?! We use to fuck each others brains out! Does this ring a bell?

At this point she needs to put the phone on speaker and begin to make gagging and dripping wet slurping noises like she was actually sucking a dick while she drove.

"oh yeah I remember you! wwhhhaatt are you doooing?"

"I had way to much to drink and so I'm driving home, as a matter of fact I was in you area and was thinking about you so bad, so bad, I thought I must have spilled a drink in my lap that's how wet I am! "oh my god that sounds horrible, why don't you stop by my house and grab a towel, I just finished laundry last night?"
"your so silly, I have towels at home, but, how bout I come over to watch a movie" Nah I cant all my T.V's are broken!"

" Well, can I stop by just to say hi! I haven't seen you in a few years and it would be nice to give you a hug"

"That does sound like a good idea, but I stopped having sex with fat chicks, my buddies told me they saw you a couple of weeks ago and they told me you looked like you gained another person, I do have a fantasy about twins, but I don't think one person weighing the same as two people is NOT the same thing, how bout I talk on the phone with you till you get home safe, I can help you stay awake!!"

That's the way the conversation should have gone, now that girl thinks it's okay for her to call me at all times of the morning and talk, or drop subtle hints of a booty call. Now I have read this a few times thinking this could be offense but fuck it, If you weren't the one calling me Monday at 1:45 in the morning you have nothing to worry about!! What the hell was I thinking I should have just hung up phone!

Small Talk

My eyes open about 6:30 this morining to the sound of two mating cats. Now if anyone has heard this strange encounter one knows that not only is it a not pleasant sound, but definetly not a sound you would like to hear at that time of the morning. So I go through my morning ritual. Make breakfast, brew some coffee watch some news, get depressed turn it to sports center get tired of listening about Michael Vick. Read a few pages out of this book title "Diamond Age". Think about rubbing one out but it wasn't even noon yet so I decide to workout.

I head out to this new hiking trail that opened up a couple of weeks ago. San Antonio has nothing exciting going on unless its a mother who eats her newborn baby, you see its either nothing of something fucking extreme. Just like my life. Anyway the news made a big deal about this new 2.3 mile hiking trail in the medical center, had bands playing, the mayor ran it, high school cheerleaders. I can see why they made a big deal about it, San Antone is full of allot of over weight Mexicans, my self included. So they hype it up to get people out there.

So I'm there stretching out and all I see are white people. LOL go figure. Anyway I start the trail on the starting point, for those that don't know its the mile marker that reads .o miles. As the trail begins I am quickly reminded why I stopped running hiking trails, it is freaking painful! Its called a hiking trail for a reason. The trail begins with an asphalt paved trail, like a reassurance that its gonna be ok. They don't tell you about the jagged uneven terrain that San Antone is known for, hills that look like a mile long and slopes that drop off after you endure a painful trek up hill. And just when you think you should just turn back at half a mile the trail is paved again. They mind fuck you with that cause half a mile later it gets worse! At this point I should have just turned around. But I suck it up and complete it. I'm dying of pure exhaustion, you see, it wouldn't have been so bad but the trail is enclosed in a canopy of mesquite trees and brush so there is not wind at all. So if feels like your in a baking oven.

I dive onto the nice dirt and I'm on all fours dry heaving, which made me look like a dry humping dog making a few gag like gestures that would indicate one is about to throw up breakfast when I hear. "Are you okay?!" I turn to look in the direction trying not to be embarrassed and there she stood 5 foot 8 thin, beautiful, support bra and tight workout shorts but...blonde. "Shit" I was thinking myself this should be interesting.

Not that I have a problem with blondes I just have bad luck with white people in San Antonio. They often and I mean very often offend the hell out of me. They are so use to being around Mexicans and their Mexican friends that they say stupid shit. In Houston white people understand that just because they have a Mexican friend doesn't mean they can joke with every Mexican like that. Granted I should be use to it by now right Jake.... Anyway, I respond "yea I'm fine I just pushed myself today is all, but thank you for your concern."
"how many times did you go around?" she said.
What how many times did I go around!? I was thinking to myself, uh once! but instead what do I say " 3 times."
At this point you can tell by the expression on her face she was caught in between saying bullshit with a laugh or wow. So i quickly respond with a laugh and say i'm just kidding, once but it felt like i went around 3 times.

She busted out laughing, which proved she wanted to call bullshit. She was like "I was gonna say i lapped you twice!" I didn't even notice that's how spaced out I was trying to finish the fucked up trail.

So we get to talking while we have our post workout stretch, I show her a couple of different ways to stretch out different areas of one muscle. We talk about life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. All that bullshit. The hole time not one offensive mexican joke came out her mouth. I was impressed and relieved. Then she asks me what my last name was, so I tell her. And this look took hold of her face like are you serious followed by "and your first name is Jacob." Uh yeah, this dumb bitch busted out with "wow, are you a Mexican Jew or did you mom just marry a Mexican?"

Now as all of you know I was about to unleash the inner asshole, but I couldn't help trying to figure out her way of thinking or what the fuck was she thinking frame of mind. I have been called many things in my life time but this one took the cake. I had no words, just an expression of "are you fucking kidding me?" Instead I tell her no, that My great grandmother left Mexico to visit the holy land and was so taken back by the Jewish faith that she converted to Judaism and decided to make it her home. During WWII she was raped by a Nazi who converted to Judaism after the attack because he felt that it was the only way he could be forgiven by god. That his catholic savior would not forgive him because he raped a Jewish woman and thus must ask for forgiveness from their God. He got her out of Europe and they settled in Texas but because of the hatred towards Jews and Germans at the time he changed his name to Juan Diaz Davila to blend in with the migrant workers! Then I tell her that she was very impressive that she was able to spot that out!

I was waiting for her response boy was I waiting for it. Then she slowly opened her mouth and busted out in uncontrollable laughter. She was like you almost got me on that one, you look nothing like you came from German descent. Turns out she is Jewish and marrying a Mexican next week.

Never no who you're gonna meet these days. I came home, took a shower and wondered what would have happened had I gone offended angry Mexican route....glad I was thinking today!

An End to a bad day!

Anyway I have been in a shitty mood today. Cant understand why? Could have been the day of drinking on sat. SO, I decided to watch some porn. You know it usually cheers me up. The only problem I have is that all the good stuff is back in san antonio, hidden in a labyrinth of password protected folders. If I could I would have voice recognition software just to protect my porn from female judging eyes! What a man would do to hide his porn. I know that married guys get busted all the time but all it takes is that one time to get busted and its usually the type of porn that has a couple of animals, huge contraptions with 50 inch dildos attached to them, ramming every orifice that is available. Maybe some midgets in the mix somewhere, anyway you get the point.

So In the quest to find some porn, I come across the site that offers free downloads, and what would you know it had porn on it too. Now before those eyes start to judge...what would you expect me to do? That's right I clicked and downloaded everything that showed up on the screen. I felt like a fat kid in a free candy store! just grabbing stuff I know I probably wouldn't like!

Now I have to warn you about these downloads just because it is titled "hot babe with huge jugs"
does not mean it is exactly that!! I was anticipating the first down load and watching as the file completion percentage was increasing...98%, 99%....100% YAHHOOO Then, the magic words pop on the screen your download is complete!! Now you go thru a little ritual of watching porn, I know everyone has one, but I will share with you mine!!! well, my parents are in the next room ritual. Carefully take a stroll through the house so that I know if anyone is home and what they are doing so that I know they are heavily distracted doing something else. Then I gently close my door and lock it. As to not make that much of a sound. Then I pull up my media player and check the sound adjustments

So that when the entertainment begins, "fuck that pussy" is not blaring over and under the door to were your parents can hear it. Then I make sure I select play with media player because real player has horrible quality. I move the mouse every so gently to the file and click play, my heart skips a soft beat as I'm thinking my parents are in the next room I cant believe that i am doing this.

The title appears and you carefully place the mouse cursor over the volume control and lean in the direction of the speaker and BAAAMMMMM!!!!! Two huge fat chicks pop up on the screen in what can only be described as a murder suicide live feed!!! At this point and time I'm thinking to myself turn this shit off. But the curiosity just gets overwhelming and then you move your cursor and slide it across the bottom to fast forward. Fuck they got me. I will spare you the details.

But then the inner rage took hold of my mind. Who in the hell plays a fucked up prank like that! If i have anything remotely close on my computer to what i had just witnessed it would be titled "killer whales mate with a blue marlin!!" You could not see this guy he was about 16o and the beasts where well over a deuce and a half. You saw his feet hanging at the edge of the bed as one rode him and the other on his face. Horrible just horrible. The guy that ruined my last hope of cheerfulness eye fucked me so hard I had post traumatic blindness! It's a wonder I am able to type this post!

Going back to this dickhead. I really want to know who this guy is? Does he have friends? If you dig the biguns I can handle that, esp if you can, but, to title this mpeg with the thoughts of opening and viewing something magical is beyond a sick joke. Its a sick individual that is capable of ruining the last part of my day!

So I downloaded more, hey, you cant let one idiot ruin it for you right. It doesn't mean that everyone on the internet is as demented as this guy. So I downloaded and open another one....to my surprise I watched two black midgets dressed in a diapers and baby bonnets humping the shit out of a six foot thin hot blond. Now I had to watch this shit....but that's another story. guess I didn't learn my lesson. But then again I wasn't thinking!!